The extent of family rifts was investigated by the charity Parentline Plus which has had 10,000 calls within a year of launching its confidential helpline number. Three quarters of calls came from parents who believed their children were 'manipulative, spoilt and anti-social'.
Experts believe a simple lack of communication between parents and teenagers is causing an escalating problem in an increasingly high-pressure world.
'The prevalence of abuse of parents is still taboo,' said forensic and family psychologist Professor Kevin Brown of Birmingham University, who recently questioned first-year students about conflict in the family home. 'These were intelligent people yet 14 per cent admitted having hit their parents with 4 per cent having been severely violent toward a parent,' he said.
'Four out of five said they had been victims of their parents' violence. Other figures show 25 per cent of single mothers will be hit by their teenagers, many re-enacting violence they witnessed by the long-absent father. Overall up to 12 per cent of families are involved in situations where teenagers hit their parents.'
The importance of the Parentline study lies in the fact that parents were able to speak anonymously and therefore 'say the unsayable' by admitting to feelings about their own children which are still taboo.
A typical case is Sarah, who spoke to The Observer only on condition of anonymity. While outsiders might expect Sarah, a mother and stepmother, to be delighted to have her family around her to celebrate her birthday, it was with dread that she heard her 17-year-old stepson would be there.
Brendan was a delightful toddler and a bright child, but in his teens turned almost overnight into a raging, foul-mouthed, violent and 'extremely stroppy adolescent'. From constant verbal abuse, such as calling Sarah a 'slag', to punching her in the face, the situation eased only when he packed his bags and stormed out of the family home to live elsewhere.
Sarah said: 'I don't know if I'd actually hate him but I don't like him one bit. After so much my maternal instincts have shut down on him. I'm not afraid of him, I'm just contemptuous - he's just a spoilt brat.'
Most parents experiencing problems have nobody to ask for help. It is not easy to admit that your child is a nightmare. But Sarah has learnt she has to communicate about the problem to cope.
Modern families have to cope with more stress than ever before. Parentline found issues facing step-parents were exacerbated by the numbers of people involved. Stepfathers had particular difficulties with their role.
Not surprisingly, sex is one of the biggest sources of conflict, particularly for fathers who discover their teenage daughters are sexually active.
Fathers having to deal with teenage daughters who are learning to be sexually provocative is a common area of friction. 'When issues are not discussed it is easy for a situation to develop when teenagers will just lash out,' said Brown.
'Parents cannot just blame the child: they have to reduce the level of criticism, reduce the derogatory remarks, increase positive remarks and praising the child. It's about family therapy really.'
Therapy was called for in the Conway household last week when Richard and Elaine left their 13-year-old alone for just over two hours.
They returned to find him standing, like the Kevin character created by comic Harry Enfield, amid trashed furniture and lager-soaked carpets in their home at St Ives, Cambridgeshire.
Adam told a few mates he had the house to himself, but claims he was suddenly overwhelmed by teenage gatecrashers. Adam told his horrified parents he had been powerless to stop them as they rampaged through the house.
Parentline Plus launch their new campaign, Saying The Unsayable, tomorrow. The Samaritan-style call service is anonymous and strictly confidential.
Parentline helpline: 0808 800 2222.
tracy.mcveigh@observer.co.uk
