Dear Coleen, I’m a woman in my early 30s and a couple of years ago, I invited a friend and neighbour to stay with me when his relationship ended. He’d been renting with his ex, but they gave the flat up and he was struggling to find somewhere else he could afford.
Things worked out well – we agreed to split all the household costs and he also pays rent. We were already mates, although not that close, but we became great friends and then, inevitably, we slept together.
Right from the start we agreed we wouldn’t put a label on the relationship and that we weren’t looking for any commitment – it was convenient for us both.
However, I’ve started to fall in love with him and the reason I know this is that recently he admitted he’s dating someone from work and he’s now starting to pull away from me. I feel so rejected and hurt.
Although I knew this might happen, I wasn’t prepared.
We’re still living together and I don’t see how I can ask him to leave because a) he’ll want to know why and I’ll have to admit I’m in love with him, b) it’ll look really petty and pathetic and c) he has nowhere to go. How do I deal with this?
Coleen says
Honestly, I don’t think you have a choice but to ask him to move out. You don’t have to turf him out on the streets, but you can suggest that now he’s met someone, it might be a good time for him to look for another place to live.
As much as you don’t want him to go, it’s going to hurt more when he brings his new girlfriend over to stay.
Also, even if he doesn’t know you’re in love with him (and you don’t have to tell him), I hope he’ll understand where you’re coming from and be sensitive to how you might feel. You’ve been sleeping together for a while and developed a relationship, so of course this new woman changes things.
Many “no-strings” arrangements like this start out great and are fine for a while, but if one person falls in love or one person meets someone else, it’s going to lead to heartache.
Have a time-frame for him moving out, so he starts looking for a new place now.
Your friends-with-benefits set-up is over, so you deserve the chance to move on too.
