Here we are again, but this time it's all wild, and crazy and different. That's right, it's the climax of Big Brother's 'Fake Week', and after a week of fake Australians, fake tasks, fake revelations, and fake body parts (though admittedly only as many as the week before) we've been leading up to this. Whatever 'this' is.
That's right, it the most convoluted theme-week in history, and if there's been any watercooler conversation about it, it's mainly been along the lines of 'No, I don't know either...'. We'll be here from 8.30-9.30, and then for the 'fake eviction' at 10. Or WILL we? Perhaps we WON'T! Maybe it's all a big FAKE!
No, of course it isn't.
Though I did consider blogging the First Night of the Proms instead, just to get in the spirit of things.
Still, as far as I can work out, either Charley or Nikki (Charley) will be chucked out at ten, thinking it's all normal. She'll go through the interview, which will actually been beamed straight into the house. Immediately after the interview, she'll go back in.
Does that sound right by everyone else? I certainly hope so, because I actually wrote this whole 'Live' blog three days ago! Yes! It's fake week!
8.30: So, the show's started, and Davina's looking lovely in a black, deceptively simple, black, you know, piece of clothing. And has hair. Oooh, shiny hair.
Um....
Oh all right, I didn't write it three days ago. She will have shiny hair, though.
ACTUALLY 8.24: In the comments for the trail post, earlier, nelly1981 posited the theory that Brian's trying to 'pull a Jade Goody', pretending to be less intelligent than he really is, for the prupose of entertaining the masses and winning the hearts of the voting public. I've heard this idea kicked around elsewhere, and, to be fair, entertained it myself a good few times. Because if appearances and editing are to be believed, the man's a mental midget with the IQ of a fencepost and quite a lot of me wants to think he's not really that stupid.
But let's face it, he probably is. I just don't want to believe that anyone that stupid makes it past the Key Stage Two Guillotine (you pass, or get your head cut off. It's a way of raising standards in failing schools).
8.35: Yeah, sounds like I had the right idea, which is good, because that's what I've been erroneously telling people all day.
So one of them (Charley) will be evicted, interviewed 'under special conditions' - I'm hoping this means that Davina isn't going to dribble over her as much as the usual evictee, and might ask a couple of questions, but she says she will explain the 'conditions' later - the interview will be watched in the house, and at the end of the interview, the non-evictee (Charley) will then sent immediately back in to the house.
Now, I'm writing this, but I'm really thinking about Charley's bottom.
See those black pants with gold writing on - has she not been wearing those every DAY? The same pants? I mean, I know their suitcases were confiscated earlier in the week, but I mean, you know, every day for the last five weeks.
8.39: Brian is pretending to be thick while plotting political upheaval in the bedroom. I'm becoming increasingly unconvinced.
8.40: It is obvious to us all by now that the producers are entirely dependent on Charley. They feel like the show is only raising its head above the ratings duvet with the help of Charley, and without Charley they would wilt, and die, unloved.
After weeks in a row where various people's nominations were discounted for 'cheating', they obviously thought they couldn't get away with it one more time, and knowing the public were dying to get Charley out (perhaps receiving that hint from the fact that they merrily scream the words at any given opportunity - evictions, new contestants, parties, during childbirth, any time really...) they have concocted a fake eviction.
So yes, she'll be chucked out. But then she'll go straight back in again. Everybody wins. Kind of.
Davina is doing her damndest to make sure this is the case. Just before the break we were informed that because of the suitcase thing, if Nikki comes out, she'll be wearing a boring 'dress', and 'shoes' ... But if Charley gets evicted, she'll have to leave wearing her PANTS! And here are the phone lines...
And now we've got footage of Charley chatting up Ziggy. What, so it might be intersting if she stays in? But we really want to see her thrown out of the house in her underwear, too?
Oooh, subtle.
8.54: I simply cannot watch another minute of Ziggy and Chanelle making each other miserable. It's horrible. They clearly cannot stand to be near each other, yet in the tiny house, they keep bumping into each other, over and over again, like a pair of blonde dodgems skating on a slippery thin coating of bitter bile.
Can't watch it any more. No more Ziggy and Chanelle for me.
So. Um...
Well, currently on the rooftop outside my window, there are some baby seagulls taking their first tentative steps along the tiles. Slightly wobbly, they're padding softly along, making small squawks, hungry little QUARP! noises, staring into the sky, waiting for their mummy and daddy seagulls to return, with...
Oh thank god, the adverts.
9.04: The housemates have been dressed up in campaign t-shirts and are singing a campaign song to try and save to world.
It's eerily reminiscent of Live Earth. Are any of them wearing KT Tunstall's Gold Tights? That would have been a genius move on the behalf of the producers: provide them all with campaign t shirts, and horrendous gold t shirts. Oh come on, you MUST have seen it! What do you mean you weren't watching Live Earth?! Well, it's this. Oh god, my eyes. I'd only just recovered.
Great hilarity is going on, with the housemates being asked to read things out in lots of different languages. Chanelle gets Finnish, having been previously aware the language or nation existed. Which is weird, as in the five weeks she's been in there, she's claimed she was Finnish with Ziggeh more times than I've had hot dinners. Oh no, sorry, finished. It was an accent thing.
She is unsure of Finland. As of many nations, it seems. Earlier she was enquiring 'what people speak in Swedish'.
Sweden, love. But, yes, you were sort of right.
Now Chiggy are kissing again. I am confuse. I give up. What are the seagull babies doing?
9.15: On the roof top opposite, a mummy (or daddy) seagull (it's so difficult to tell unless they're wearing clothes) is feeding the end of someone's chips to babygull.
On the television, Davina is explaining what is going to happen, again. Oh, perhaps we will hear the special conditions. Apparently someone will be chucked out, and ... know that ... dum de dum... yesssss, fake interview, .... and .... Oh, no, nothing we don't know.
Back to highlights. The house mates are still being made to read fake campaign messages in various languages in the diary room. Carole's is actually very funny. She reads, in Greek: 'In my application form, I said I could speak Greek. But I clearly haven't got a clue what I'm saying right now'
That's quite good. You can say what you like about this series - you can say it's been dull, you can say it's been slow, you can say it's been like gargling cold gravy while wearing bacon underwear if you like, it's a free world, but to be fair, the diary room folk have been, I believe, on top form. Brilliant comic timing, excellence in put downs and ... oh, they've just been good.
There. I said something positive. Now, back to the snarking.
9.25: Is Tracey still in there?
*Sigh*.
I do say that every single time I see her. Every Single Time. The whole series could come and go, they could leave the cameras behind, move on with the rest of her lives, and she could still be in there, and I would never know. In fact, she could move into MY house and I would never know. Oooh, it's the announcement where Davina tells us who's being 'evicted' this week. (Charley)
9.27: The lines are closed...
The votes have been counted and verified...
Iiiiiiiiit's....
SOME CLASSICAL MUSIC!!!
Oh, no, hang on, that was the first night of the proms.
It's Charley. Obv.
Back at ten...
9.57: Just a few minutes, and Charley will be out. And then she'll be interviewed, and then she'll go back in again.
But what will her interview reveal?
Not much, unless Davina's been training all week to ask hard, pointed questions. Or hard questions. Or, let's face it, questions.
Stealing directly from the comment box, Hermioneingold predicts:
charley v davina justification.
1. i was just being myself 2. i am not bovvvvvered about being voted out 3. at the end of the day it's been an incredible experience 4. i have been on an emotional 'journey' 5. i didn't do it to become a celebrity (lol)
While HFactor seems to have been employed to write the script.
I'm not bein funny but at the end of the day I was just bein myself in there and I'm just bein honest cos they're all a bunch of losers and haters and they're just jealous cos I'm like a celebrity innit and I hang out with with footballers an that and I'm not being funny but at the end of the day I'm just bein myself and saying what I fink cos they're all so fuckin two-faced and back-stabbers an at the end of the day I was the only one what got any attention from the blokes cos the girls were all rough an I'm not bein funny but Liam really fancied me cos he like pretty much told me that cos he said I was well hot and I'm just bein honest cos I'm like ghetto innit.
Oh god, this is going to be horrible...
10.04: How did Charley take the news? Really badly. She just wandered around saying 'I'm not bovvered', and making pointed remarks at Nikki about how she heard more boos when Nikki's name was called than her own... 'she's not being funny like'.
The crowd are having to stay silent. Charley will leave to complete silence. Then Davina will ask a few questions (what, just on the podium? That's stupid) and then Charley will go back in, at which point the crowd are at liberty to go nuts.
They will, and predictably, they will shout 'Get Charley Out', as they always shout, when allowed to shout. They will shout it as she's led back in. Which is just confusing, frankly.
And... she's coming out.
10.06: She came out. To complete silence, and was clearly utterly freaked out, as you would be if you came out of the Big Brother house and there were a bunch of people just staring at you. Blah blah blah, disconcerting almost unwatchably cruel television. Whatever...
It's now the adverts, and Weetabix are trying to convince me AGAIN that I might want to do something with their cereal other than put it in a bowl with some milk. Listen here, Weetabix. I don't want to spread my wheat biscuit things with marmalade, I don't want to crumble them over bacon, and I certainly don't want them with a scoop of ice cream and some chocolate sauce. They're fucking weetabix, Weetabix. I'm going to put them in a bowl with some milk, deal with it.
Oooh, we're back in the room.
(Or rather outside the room. We're in the interview place. And the interview place is being beamed into the room. 'The Room' in this case, being the house.)
Whatever. The show's started again.
10.13pm: The whole set up is so weird - Davina and the stilted questions, read straight from cards, straight from Big Brother - Charley knows this isn't right, this isn't real. Surely if you wanted the whole thing to be a proper surprise for everyone involved, you would make it as normal as possible.
And yet, Charley seems to have stopped thinking about that and just let her mouth fly free. Having watched the nominations, she's just let herself go, and is talking and talking and talking, saying the first thing in her head about everyone. And all the first things are mean. And bitchy. And horrible. And being watched by the house...
10.20: Charley's having to watch a clip reel of herself being shouty. Apparently, the sight of herself like this surprises her.
Then she's shown a reel of herself being nice, and how much more pleasant it is.
She's asked if she'd do anything differently.
She says yes, she'd be nicer.
10.23: At this point, she is told that whis has been Fake Week, and that this is a Fake eviction. She's asked if she wants to go back in
"To that house? With them? With THOSE people? And you expect me to be a nice person?"
She seems to have forgotten anything she might have said about 20 seconds ago.
"Do you want to go back in?" Davina asks
"HELL, yeah" says Charley.
10.26: Charley goes back in. The crowd, unleashed, are booing and baying and yelling 'Get Charley OUT'.
I see one banner saying something nice about Charley. Apparently, so does she, because when she gets back through the doors, she's almost in tears. "Oh my GOD!" she says. "They LOVE me!"
Now that, my friends, is a skill. With self-delusion like that, you can take over the world. Ask anyone. Well, Geri Halliwell. (And maybe don't mention the 'taking over the world' bit, because it's a bit of a sore point).
That was really quite horrible. The woman is able to create a fantasy world almost instantaneously turning a crowd of people booing into a cooing cabal of fans, calling her celebrity. She'd rather go back into a house full of people she hates, people she knows hate her - she'd rather do that and cling on to her dream of semilebrity than leave and retain some semblance of dignity. *Sigh*
It would be sad, if it weren't so ... icky.
And there we have it. The producers get another week's supply of Charley, and the audience, what of it there is, are guaranteed conflict in the Den of Dull.
Last week was fake week: this week, murder week. I'm looking forward to Saturday, when they're cutting the nicotine supply, and then Monday, when they send in twenty-eight bottles of tequila and a bag of knives.
Join us next week, same bat time, same bat channel, when we'll be greeting the evicted Charley, again, and oh, no, something in me says she'll be mysteriously given a free pass from being nominated - because of all the heartache of this week, perhaps? - and HAVE to stay for yet another week. What's the betting?...
Whatever. You've been lovely, thank you for coming, reading commenting: Thank you all, and good night.
