GOT YOUR NUMBER
Always up for a spot of schoolboy snickering, The Fiver doesn’t need to be told to get a calculator twice. So when José Mourinho ordered journalists to pick one up and compare the amount of money Chelsea and Arsenal have spent, we were happy to revisit that hilarious schoolboy jape where you turn on your Casio, type in “5318008” and turn it upside down and start giggling at the resulting rude word ... which in this day and age isn’t really rude and anyway, we can just type straight on to our computer screen without having to turn anything upside down. Is it any wonder hardly anyone bothers with calculators these days?
Never having been the best of buddies with Arsène Wenger, José’s latest remarks are being billed as renewal of hostilities in the pair’s tedious “war of words” and boy did he come out swinging haymakers. “[Arsenal’s] is a fantastic squad with good players, fantastic goalkeeper, they are more than ready to be title contenders,” he observed, doing his utmost not to look completely bored as he was wheeled out in front of the press in wherever it is Chelsea were at the time. Having earlier conceded that Chelsea bought the title when Roman Abramovich first rolled into Stamford Bridge, José pointed out that in recent years, Arsenal have hosed quite a few quid in the general direction of assorted clubs to secure the services of players like Petr Cech, Mesut Özil, Alexis Sánchez, Calum Chambers and Mathieu Debuchy and should therefore be treated as genuine title contenders.
Having complimented Wenger on the squad he’s assembled, Mourinho continued to “goad” his rival. “Get a calculator,” he said. “That is the easiest thing, it leaves no space for speculation. If you want to be honest, objective and pragmatic it is the easiest job for a manager to do.” Of course, by the time The Fiver had got its calculator, typed in That Number a few times, turned it upside down, chuckled a bit, showed it to some colleagues and sat through the subsequent HR tribunal and diversity awareness workshop, we didn’t have time to figure out who between Arsenal and Chelsea has spent more money in the past three or four years. But depending on which team is favoured by whatever hack happens to have bothered to followed José’s instructions, Arsenal has or Chelsea has.
Speaking before Sunday’s Community Shield curtain-raiser between the two clubs, Wenger was hardly frothing at the mouth by way of response to his opposite number. “One day you will look at the players we have developed here compared to the spending and other clubs and you will be surprised,” he said. “I get different reproaches – that I don’t spend enough then I spend too much. I let other people talk,” he continued, talking. So there you have it: two good managers giving fairly banal but sensible answers to fairly banal but sensible questions ahead of a match that doesn’t really matter, and some people are attempting to dress it up as some sort of trash-talking masterclass. Pre-season can’t end soon enough, so the actual hostilities – and perhaps some football – can begin.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“We played Barcelona in a friendly match [in July 2007] and there were almost 60,000 fans there. Ronaldinho was at his peak and Barcelona were terrific. Before the game [former owner] Vladimir Romanov approached me and told me he wants to play in the game. He wanted me to pick him. He wasn’t joking. I refused and told him he had done no training and therefore he couldn’t play. He said to me ‘fine, but you will not be the coach for long’. He sacked me soon after” – as reasons for getting the axe in your job go, former Hearts manager Anatoly Korobochka’s is quite the doozy.
PREMIER LEAGUE PREVIEWS
Our season guides rumble on. Today it’s Barry Glendenning on Bournemouth and Paul Doyle on Chelsea, plus red-hot video footage of Jacob Steinberg standing beneath a goalpost to give his two cents on the Cherries, and Dom Fifield offering his thoughts on the champions.
FIVER LETTERS
“I loved the entirely straight-faced quote from the New York Red Bulls that Subbuteo’s Shaun Wright-Phillips would be ‘an excellent fit in our locker room’ (yesterday’s Bits and Bobs). That must be a tight little space. Those players can’t be much taller than 1.5cm” – Grant McPhee (and others).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet the Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is: Rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Vladimir Putin has been waxing lyrical about Sepp Blatter and no, it’s not satire. “We all know the situation developing around Mr Blatter right now. I don’t want to go into details but I don’t believe a word about him being involved in corruption personally,” roared the Russian PM, presumably shirtless from atop a unicorn. “I think people like Mr Blatter or the heads of big international sporting federations, or the Olympic Games, deserve special recognition. If there is anyone who deserves the Nobel prize, it’s those people.”
Manchester United and PSG are in talks over the transfer of Ángel di María. Here’s a rough transcript … PSG suit: “Prendrez-vous £28.5m?” Manchester United suit: “No.”
Blackpool owner Owen Oyston has called on fans who want to buy the club in a £16m takeover to prove they are qualified to do so. “In the interests of the future of our club and our fans I have to ensure whoever takes responsibility for this institution is qualified to do so and able to finance and run it for another 27 years through both good and bad times,” he said.
West Brom. Hull’s James Chester. £8m.
Brazil’s Fred (the new one, not the old one who drifted round like a bad smell at the World Cup – Fiver Lawyers) reportedly failed a drugs test during the recent Copa América in Chile.
Spain’s anti-violence commission has fined Barcelona €66,000, Athletic Bilbao €18,000 and the Spanish FA €123,000 for fans booing the Spain national anthem.
And expect Liverpool’s Andre Wisdom to be phoning the AA from a rural Norfolk bog in the coming week after the player moved closer to a season-long loan at Norwich.
STILL WANT MORE?
Forget the Great Pyramid of Giza, Carrow Road is where it’s at! How Norwich built the ‘eighth wonder of the world’ in 81 days, by Scott Murray.
A more thorough look at the crowd-funding efforts of Grimsby Town fans.
Thunk! Dink! Kerblam! Chip! Crash! Flick! It’s the best goals of the week.
The FA, government and Premier League clubs should join forces to breathe some life back in to football’s knacked grassroots, writes Owen Gibson.
Talent is still rolling off Southampton’s academy production line like Smarties at the, er, Smarties factory, reports David Hytner.
This week’s Gallery stars Fabian Delph. Next: what you think will happen in the Premier League this season.
We’ve still got tickets for the upcoming Football Weekly Live show in London available; get them while they’re moderately toasty. And there are now also tickets on sale for an evening with Lord Ferg, at the Bridgewater Hall in Manchester.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.
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RICE ON THE IPHONE WORKS!
