The fair-weather fan
This sporting glory-seeker shows zero interest during the domestic season but every second summer when a World Cup or Euros comes around, miraculously transforms into a full-on fanatic. Probe a little and you’ll realise they only know the name of one player from each team. What does VAR stand for again?
The stat nerd
No factoid is too niche for this walking Wikipedia. He (it’s always a he) ‘regales’ innocent bystanders with Opta stats and possession percentages. He has an elaborate spread-betting system that he’ll explain at tedious length but leave you none the wiser. Painfully smug when his predictions come true. Nowhere to be seen if they don’t.
The football hipster
The more obscure and ‘authentic’ the better for this cooler-than-thou contrarian. They support non-league clubs, insist upon elaborate pronunciations of foreign names and preferred the beautiful game before it went mainstream. Have you got this match on vinyl?
The hollering hedonist
They’re only here for the beer. This whole Euros thingy is mainly a convenient excuse to stay drunk for an entire month. It’s all about shouting in the pub, singing in the street and throwing their sweaty arms around strangers.
The 90s-fixated bore
Britpop! Cool Britannia! TFI Friday! Loaded mag! Adidas Gazelles! Casual sexism! This lad-turned-dad’s heyday was Euro 96. Will try to start lager-spattered singalongs of ‘Three Lions’ whenever possible. Phones in sick the morning after a match.
The phone-focused drone
Half human, half smartphone, they spend the entire match tapping, swiping and scrolling through social media. Stop making us look at endless unfunny memes and try watching the game, you overgrown teenager.
The eye-rolling refusenik
A month-long communal event is a massive inconvenience to this fun-allergic cultural snob. Why is there nothing else on TV? Why must every pub be full of big screens and baying fans? I’m going to tut, go home, read a serious book and listen to Joyless FM. On my own. Again.
