“I faff, therefore I am.” I imagine that’s what Descartes meant to say. Or his rival whom we’ve never heard of, presumably because he didn’t get his manuscript in on time while he was faffing around in ye olde market comparing prices on bags of wheat when he only popped in for an apple.
Some people are just faffers, and I am one of them. I dread to think what could have been achieved instead of the wasted minutes I spend at my sock drawer each morning, wondering if the two very similar black socks I’m holding are the original pair (“this one looks a little longer, I’m sure I can find the other one in here somewhere…”). Or at a bar when the hurried server asks me what I want to drink and I look at them blankly (“umm…”) despite having already been there for five minutes. The look of disdain on their face!
But faff does not a successful adult make. I’m sure Barack Obama, during his daily briefings, did not say, “I’ll just check that on the internet” and then 15 minutes later find himself on the Wikipedia page of Saved By The Bell, Googling actors to find out where they are now.
Truly the internet faff is the most sinister of them all. This pervasive productivity-stealer integrates seamlessly into your life and has wrought havoc on mine. My partner and I are already Lord and Lady of the Faff; throw Google into the mix and our life is brought to a standstill. Take choosing what to have for dinner:
“What do you want for dinner?”
“I don’t mind, what do you want?”
“I don’t mind either. What do we have in?”
“Eggs, carrots, chicken…”
“I’ll have a look online for a recipe.”
“I will too.”
[Two hours later.] “I think we’ve left it too late to cook now.”
Yum, another sandwich for dinner. It happens time and time again.
“What shall we do this evening?”
“Is there a good film on at the cinema?”
“I’ll check the listings.”
“I’ll check the reviews.”
[Two hours later.] “We’ve missed everything in the cinema.”
If I start to add up all the time wasted dithering and dilly-dallying, I am sure I’ll be in for a heartstopping surprise. So I’m going to organise my life. I’m going to plan everything well in advance, even simple things, and give myself time limits on how long I have to make the decision. And I’m going to wean myself off my mobile phone, though I need to figure out how exactly. I’ll just check that on the internet...
