Fabio Capello

"Father Capello explains his vision," cackles Slimpickins Photograph: /x

"Capello's reputation as a strict no nonsense disciplinarian meant he wouldn't take no shit from his prima donnas," says John Barry Photograph: /x

Hassan El Hassan reckons Fabio can play police, judge, jury and executioner, all while wearing a pair of natty glasses Photograph: /x

"I told Lampard to improve his fitness and run 10 miles a day for a week. He called me up yesterday and told me he was 70 miles from his house." Andy Higham knows classic comedy when he sees it. Photograph: /x

"When he come over, Cappo had no English or mates or nothing," parps social commentator Sean Kearney. "But since he met the boys round his area, everything's sweet innit lol." Photograph: /x

"He only picks players who can make a contribution to the team, it has nothing to do with the FA telling him who to pick for sentimental reasons to make the game commercially more attractive," says Howard Jones. "If he doesn’t play Beckham on Wednesday night, I’m going to look rather cynical, aren’t I?" Photograph: /x

"Can Capello put some magic into the England comedy act?" asks Paul Bradley Photograph: /x

Dave Thomas reckons Ashley Cole needs 'disciplining' Street Fighter II style. Though why Fabio is on fire, we don't know. Photograph: /x

"On the illustrious quest for his 100th cap, Beckham enlists the help of the nation's brightest minds to take on Dungeonmaster Capello's helmet of justice," titters Owen Taylor. Anyone left entirely non-plussed by this effort may wish to click here Photograph: /x

"Amazing how the old strongman dictator routine plays so well to the masses. For a while." Simon Coker, you cynic. Photograph: x

"Fabio found Dave to be rather touchy these days," chuckles Andrew Ives, who gets extra brownie points for making Peter Crouch taller than the van giving him a Zoom. It's the little touches that make all the difference Photograph: /x

Much as we like John Barry's effort, we've always pictured Capello more as a Count Almaviva-type character, and Beckham as Marcellina the spinster. Throw in Trevor Brooking as the vengeful doctor Bartolo and you can see it's quite clear: we haven't got a clue what we're on about Photograph: /x