BLUE MONDAY
The Fiver, being more used to moving in the circles of Tin enthusiasts than the smart and businesslike elites of the football world, has never met Antonio Conte. We don’t know him, we don’t know what he’s really like, what pushes his buttons, tickles his fancy or grinds his gears. But we do suspect we know this much: you probably wouldn’t like Antonio when he’s angry. And one assumes he’s reasonably angry right now. Very angry. Extremely angry. Begbie-at-the-end-of-Trainspotting-when-he-realises-Renton-has-scarpered-with-the-money-so-trashes-that-hotel-room angry. We certainly wouldn’t want to be the person who told him that Manchester United had signed Stormz ... sorry, Romelu Lukaku, and certainly not in a room full of fragile and smash-upable items like lamps, chairs and Cesc Fàbregas.
For Conte had plans. He had plans to clear out what dreck remained in his Chelsea squad, plans to give the heave-ho to players whose jib he didn’t enjoy the cut of. Players like, let’s say, Diego Costa, who he encouraged to do one by the pithy and reasonably brutal method of text message a few weeks back. The plan was to let Costa go back to Madrid, replace him with Lukaku, and everyone would be happy. Except José Mourinho. So, everyone, then. But with Lukaku’s move to United those plans have gone the way of that leg in Fargo – straight into the wood chipper. Costa has been excused early pre-season training duty so that he might sort out that emotional return to Atlético, leaving Conte in a bind, without a striker and perhaps eyeing up a nearby shelving unit to take his frustration out on.
All of which does make you wonder if Chelsea’s title defence is in any danger of going the same way as the last two: last season Leicester binned Claudio Ranieri despite him having won them the league, while a year before Conte’s own club loaded Mourinho into a cannon and fired him into the sun, after his own Premier League victory. It seems a little unlikely, but at a similar stage before those two seasons it seemed unthinkable that both managers would be in the dole queue by the end of the season. You’d need a pair of stones to hand over that P45, mind.
Meanwhile, everyone else seems to be having a lovely time. Lukaku is on holiday in Los Angeles, which by the happiest and unlikeliest of coincidences is also where the United team, medical carry-outers and contract drawer-uppers have also landed. After he’s coughed for the doc and dotted the lower-case js, he’ll be able to continue his burgeoning social media double-act with Paul Pogba, larking about in an endearing and harmless manner, that’s nevertheless likely to make people who have ‘we want our country back, hate PC, I tell it like it is!’ in their Twitter bios really cross for some mysterious reason.
Lukaku will take the place of Mr Wayne Rooney at United, whose sentimental/geographically convenient move back to Everton was done and dusted over the weekend, much to his delight. It’s nice that he’s happy. Just don’t tell Antonio. He might slam a hatstand against the wall.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I’ve kept it quiet for the last 13 years, but I’ve actually been wearing Everton pyjamas at home with my kids” – Wayne Rooney, 31.
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FIVER LETTERS
“As a born and bred Warringtonian, it really was lovely to see my home town get a mention in Friday’s Fiver. We would be delighted to offer Wayne the paper, milk and fags he needs, but there is so much more to offer here. There’s the cracking Ikea we have. There’s the exciting possibility of seeing Kerry Katona or Fred Elliot’s nephew Ashley from Coronation Street roaming the streets. And with forthcoming shows in the town including Go West, Martine McCutcheon and the Red Hot Chili Pipers, a thriving arts scene. See you at the front, Wayne” – David Hunter.
“Reading Ben Graham’s letter about Wycombe Wanderers’ dangerously eye-tweaking goalie kits, I noticed that Cherry Red Records had sponsored the shorts. I wondered what would happen if no one could be found to sponsor just the shorts. Can you sponsor socks? A single sock? A shoelace? The centre-forward’s jock-strap? Has Capital no shame? What’s the most ridiculously small (real ...) sponsorship item any of our illustrated readers can think of?” – Russell Richardson.
“After recovering from almost a week of Tin, I have found solace in the fact that, as a livid Pope’s Newc O’Rangers supporter, I think we are making Progrès” – Gavin Simmonds.
“I have been reading The Fiver for so long I imagined I could be no longer surprised, or possibly amused. And yet, I was smilingly staggered. That’s his name! ‘Noble Francis’ I had long assumed was a title bestowed upon a Fiver apostle for acts of kindness towards furry animals and assorted beasts, such as completing their copy for them at 4:59pm on a Friday when their emotions have risen to a heady froth and they scampered off into the woods for further frothy frolics. Or at least I imagined he would be an intern with a fancy title in lieu of expenses, salary, or dignity. But it’s just a man. A noble beast, no doubt. But just a man. I prefer to retain the image of a saint, in brown, rough smock, hands outstretched, birds perched upon them, a beatified gaze upon his visage. An image of his reality, sweating over daily efforts to ‘out-witty’ The Fiver, would startle the horses” – Garren Mulloy.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … David Hunter.
NEWS, BITS AND BOBS
Jermain Defoe has paid tribute to his “best friend” Bradley Lowery after the six-year-old Sunderland fan’s death from a rare form of cancer. “Your courage and bravery will continue to inspire me for the rest of my life. You will never know what a difference you made to me as a person. God has you in his arms and I will always carry you in my heart. Sleep tight little one.”
Gylfi Sigurdsson, yours for just £50m.
The Fiver isn’t sure if it was Jorge Mendes’s influence or the lure of the Wulfrun Shopping Centre that swung it for him, but Porto’s Rúben Neves has joined Wolves for a club record fee of £15.8m.
Reading have appointed ex-Chelsea suit Ron Gourlay as the club’s new chief suit, with Nigel Howe taking up the role of vice-chairman.
Jürgen Klopp says Simon Mignolet, Loris Karius and Danny Ward will all get the chance to prove that they can be Liverpool’s first-choice mopper-upper for Dejan Lovren’s mistakes in the coming season. “It is like it is and nothing is decided. They can all show how good they are,” blathered Klopp.
And Brighton forward Elvis Manu has been told he can leave the building. “He has worked hard during his time here, but with his game time likely to be limited again, [Genclerbirligi SK] is the best move for him,” crooned Chris Hughton. “It gives him the chance to play regular football in a competitive Turkish Super League.”
STILL WANT MORE?
How super trouping Swedes showed the world how to tackle misbehaving parents at kids’ football. By Marcus Christenson.
Everton are well placed for a cuddly reunion with Wayne Rooney and his special PJs, writes Nick Ames.
Rooney is a club great, but he leaves Old Trafford to muted applause, so says Jamie Jackson.
But where does Marcus Rashford fit in to all this, and four more questions looming over Manchester United, courtesy of Jamie Jackson.
Sol Campbell gets his chat on with Sachin Nakrani about hanging out with Patrick Vieira and his struggles at breaking into management.
Uefa chief suit Aleksander Ceferin talked about a salary cap – but can it happen, asks Paul MacInnes.
Is José Mourinho going to nab Tiemoué Bakayoko from under the noses of Chelsea and send Antonio Conte into a fresh funk? That and more in today’s Rumour Mill.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace. And INSTACHAT, TOO!
