WHOSE THAT KNOCKING AT THE BALLON D’OR?
The only election The Fiver has ever won was way back in our high school yearbook, when we were voted Most Likely to Lie About What Was Written in the High School Yearbook, especially as there wasn’t even a yearbook in The Fiver’s high school. So we’re no experts when it comes to winning elections. But we have an idea how to lose them, and if Lionel Messi beats Him to this year’s Ballon d’Or award, we very much hope that the Portuguese takes a leaf out of the book of the prominent US sitcom character, Donald Trump, and denounces wholesale rigging before threatening legal action, nuclear war and the construction of a huge wall around Argentina (nuclear war permitting).
Not that Him and Messi are the only ones in the running for this year’s gong. The organisers, France Football, have lengthened the shortlist to include 30 players who could in theory be named as the best in the world when the verdict is announced in January. Remember that votes are cast by the managers and captains of every national team in the world and there is always at least one bozo from some piddling country with no international reputation to speak of who skews things by making an utterly nonsensical nomination, although this year England may not have been able to do even that. Roy Hodgson is gone, Wayne Rooney is no longer effective around the ballot box and Sam Allardyce was hardly in post long enough to express his preference for Kevin Nolan. Still, Gareth Southgate can probably be counted upon to ensure England do as they have always done.
We do know already of at least one discrepancy in the voting: 13 of the 30 shortlisted players are from La Liga and only eight from the Greatest League in the World. Those eight include five forwards (Jamie Vardy, Sergio Agüero, Riyad Mahrez, Kevin De Bruyne and Dimitri Payet), one goalkeeper (Hugo Lloris) and two replica shirt mannequins (Paul Pogba and Zlatan Ibrahimovic). The favourite, however, remains Him, whose 12th consecutive nomination for the gong is a record. Who would have foreseen that 12 years ago, when he finished equal 12th in the voting with Milan Baros?
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RIP CARLOS ALBERTO
The former Brazil World Cup winning captain has died aged 72. He scored one of the greatest goals in the tournament’s history, was among the finest full-backs to ever grace the game and deserves all the plaudits that are coming his way … and more. He also cut L’il Mickey O’ down to size in stunning style in 2005.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
30 July 2016: “Walter is a hugely passionate personality who lives for football and is fiercely determined to succeed in everything that he does. We are looking forward to working with him, and supporting him” – Wolves’ chief suit Jeff Shi on the enthusiastic backing the club will be giving to their new man.
25 October 2016: “Walter Zenga’s contract has been terminated with immediate effect” – a Wolves suit on the enthusiastic sacking the club has given their new(ish) man.
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This is just ace. David Squires on Gary Lineker’s vile sympathetic views.
FIVER LETTERS
“I’ve noticed that periodically you award copies of whatever top prize you are giving away to people who are lazy enough to just write in and ask for one. This is either excellent trolling of proper letter-writers, or a subtle self-reference to The Fiver’s tongue in cheek concinnity. Either way – and I would stress that I’ve NEVER actually played Football Manager* – please can I just have one? *This is not a lie. Promise” – Angus Golding (and no other lazy letter writers).
“Regarding the Finnish Wikipedia’s page on Terry Venables. Perhaps they were getting confused with this” – Marisa Cardoni.
“Re: José Mourinho ‘could not have displayed less self-awareness if he’d accused Conte of wearing rubbish coats these days and not being as good as he used to be’ (yesterday’s Fiver). If rubbish coats and a decline in quality are The Fiver’s measure of choice, expect the concept of irony to be further shredded to pieces the next time José refers to Arsène Wenger then. If only one of them was managing a side that looked like it could possibly mount a title challenge this season. Oh. Also, the most ironic part of all is that José is still more likely to win the league than Arsenal” – Diego García.
“Like your uncle, I’m all for innovation on the internet. However, the concatenation (for perhaps the first time ever in the history of the English language) of the words ‘thrillingly’ and ‘effective’ to describe José’s Chelsea yesterday was just too big a step. ‘Remorselessly’, ‘admirably’, ‘cynically’, ‘brutally’, ‘expensively’ I could have got on board with. But anyone getting thrills out of a Mourinho side needs, like Weird Uncle Fiver, to get out more” – Dom Smith.
“Re: yesterday’s Bits and Bobs: ‘I’ve made that decision. Loris is number one at this moment and Simon is number two.’ You’ve got to love infantile humour. Harsh but fair Jürgen. Harsh but fair” – Stephen Yoxall (and no other seven-year-olds).
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winners is Dom Smith, who receives a copy of Football Manager 2017 from those good people at Football Manager Towers. It’s not out till 4 November so aren’t you the lucky one? We’ve got a few more copies to give away, so if you want one, keep the letters coming.
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BITS AND BOBS
Watford are under investigation from the English Football League following allegations they supplied false financial documents to the governing body. “The club has been formally contacted by the EFL and is now required to provide a full and detailed response to the allegations,” trilled an EFL suit.
West Ham + Chelsea + London Stadium. What could possibly go wrong? Well, not much, according to West Ham, who have a “robust policing plan” – and they’re not afraid to use it. “We have had no issues with the new segregation and we have had positive feedback from supporters in that area and consider this issue to now be resolved,” blootered a club bouncer.
Jürgen Klopp is thinking of letting Trent Alexander-Arnold and Ovie Ejaria stay up past their bedtimes and playing them in the Rumbelows Cup against Spurs. “It’s good for their development and good for us that we can make the decisions about their futures at Liverpool,” he cheered.
And James McCarthy’s knack problems are getting worse … this time it’s hamstring twang.
STILL WANT MORE?
Manchester United’s problems cannot be resolved by shelling out on a shiny new toy, writes Jacob Steinberg.
Olivier Giroud and Yann Kermorgant have taken somewhat differing career paths since playing together at Grenoble a decade ago. Ben Fisher has more.
Nine hours in the making but still an air of predicability. Alan Smith reports on the shortlist for the Ballon d’Or gong, which looks likely to end up in His hands.
How Nice became dead good. By Martin Laurence.
Test your Fizzy Cup sponsors knowledge here.
And all aboard the Do One Express … leaving Old Trafford just as soon as someone can find Morgan Schneiderlin.
Oh, and if it’s your thing … you can follow Big Website on Big Social FaceSpace.AND INSTACHAT, TOO!
