John F Kennedy Jr and Diana, Princess of Wales. Photograph: PA
Broadsheet readers may have missed the tabloid excitement this week about the late Diana, Princess of Wales. The hook is this: another one of Diana's confidantes has written her personal memoirs of the princess, and the Sun has milked every (almost) salacious drop. For those who may have been feeling a little left out, this is what you've missed:
Background: Simone Simmons was Diana's energy healer, personal psychic and "closest confidante". According to the Sun, she often spent up to eight hours a day on the phone to Diana. She was also entrusted with some of her deepest secrets, and promised to keep them until death (or until she could secure a large enough book deal).
Her new memoir of the "private princess" comes six years after Ms Simmons cashed in with her first book deal, which in turn came slightly a year after the death of Diana. Still, the Sun, anxious that the world not miss these closely cherished and expensive secrets, has been splashing proudly with such stories as...
Separated woman may have slept with single man!
In 1995, according to Simmons, Diana met John F Kennedy Jnr in a New York hotel to discuss a magazine interview. The sexual chemistry was vibrant, the night was young, and the two went on to do the thing that people do in hotel rooms. They ordered room service. And later they had sex. (Daily Mail version of the story found here.)
Kennedy married in 1996 and died in 1999. Diana got divorced in 1996 and died in 1997. There seems little reason why these two could be damned for doing the do, especially in retrospect.
However, in the last few days, Diana has been referred to in several places as "the woman who could have been first lady", which is true only to the extent that sleeping with Darren Day makes you the Queen of British theatre – not at all.
Rock not Rock!
For almost 10 years, Diana's former butler Paul Burrell has been claiming to be Diana's 'rock', her friend, her strength and yet another keeper of her closest secrets; particularly on press releases and invoices.
However, Simmons claims that when speaking of her 'rock' she may not have been referring to the oozily ingratiating and self-aggrandising Burrell, but her father. Or perhaps her favourite wrestler, the Rock (who is now a movie star ... she would have been so proud). Or maybe her beloved sticks of red and white hardened sugar.
Son of Prince of Wales is son of Prince of Wales!
After an alleged DNA test, Prince Harry was found to be the son of the man everyone thought he was the son of all along. While tabloid speculation has linked the ginger prince and a Major James Hewitt, with whom Diana had an affair, the DNA test found this to be complete rubbish. As did the more interesting fact that they didn't meet until two years after Harry's birth.
And perhaps the biggest story so far this week:
Rich people in recreational drugs shocker!
In a world exclusive, it's been suggested that the type of people who spend most of the year on holiday also may be known to partake in expensive party drugs. On occasion.
No, that's flip. The main story, I'll try and get this right, is:
Late ex-royal once took drugs, didn't like it!
Allegedly given cocaine once by an unnamed boyfriend, Diana felt sick, dizzy and breathless and felt like she might die. She never, according to Simmons, took it again. (Scotsman version here.)
Now, I'm not trying to sound worldly wise, but this is not exactly an uncommon experience. For example, the exact same thing happened to me once. But with jellied eels.A boyfriend persuaded me to try them, in a mood of daring, I did. Half an hour later, feeling dizzy, sick etc, I swore never to eat jellied fish again.
Granted, the Princess of Wales then went on to raise a lot of profile and funds for drug addiction centres, which is laudable, and almost makes the abortive drug experience seem worth it.
And believe me, I will be doing exactly the same thing, just as soon as I can find a confidential fish support group.
So are these actually stories? Are they actually stories that make any difference to anyone, apart from perhaps the Kennedy family, Diana's children and Rupert Murdoch?
Seeking concrete proof, I turned to the voice of the icon herself. The Sun helpfully lists a telephone number where you can listen to "exclusive phone messages" left by the Princess for "close confidante" Simone. And for only 60p a minute.
Expecting a least a little dirt, I instead got these:
- "I'll speak to you in the morning, I think you're busy, I'll phone you back, lots of love."
- "I'm in a meeting, I'll try again later, lots of love."
- "I'm on my way to tennis, Rah de rah rah rah rah (phone message became too posh here, untranscribable by this commoner) will have my phone on again after one. Lots of love."
It took me a few seconds to work out whether I'd called my voicemail by mistake.
Seriously – are these things anyone cares about anymore? Or really desperately wants to know?
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