DELIVERANCE FROM DESPAIR
And lo, it came to pass that after a week in the wilderness, with no nourishment, ye Premier League did return. And ye people did speak and they did cry unto the heavens: ‘We have sinned against thee, for in thy absence we have given into temptation.’ And upon their faces the plague of guilt was writ, for they had partaken of ye international friendlies. And though ye league did roar ye people did forsake it again, for they did lie with ye occasional European fixture for ye elite clubs, and ye talk was of Barcelona and of Liverpool’s travels in ye land of Germans.
And the Premier League was enraged, and bade them to gather their finest polyester and to wear it upon their backs, and to march upon their places of worship and to tarry there. And across the land voices were raised once again, and it was ye sound of victory, ye sound of defeat and ye sound of singing that shook ye land.
And on this day, when ye people shouted with a great shout, and they blew with ye trumpet and banged with ye drum, ye Villa did fall down flat. For to every thing there is a season: a time to weep and a time to laugh; a time to mourn and a time to dance; a time to get and a time to lose. And for Villa it was ye season to weep, mourn and, above all, to lose. For it was written that ye next season they shall be in ye Championship if on this day their harvest will not be more bountiful than ye harvest of Norwich.
And in Sunderland they did seek deliverance from their despair. And Sam of Allardyce did command them to be strong and of good courage, and be not afraid. But their houses had fallen to ruin and Foxes did walk among them. And behold, the Foxes could leap upon their buildings and break their stone walls down, and their own weapons were feeble and their hearts full of trepidation.
And ye men of Tottenham did fear that the Foxes would take Allardyce’s army and feast upon them. For they would be forced to witness this fight, and then march into their own field and with their own good deeds destroy ye works of the devils in red. And should they falter ye path ahead of them would be long and arduous, and they would stand as if at the foot of a great mountain.
But Pochettino did equip them with strength for ye battle, and they did remember ye opening day of ye season when they did battle at ye olde Trafford, and they did suffer from a wound of their own making and they did falter and justice was not served. And they did plot to execute great vengeance upon ye Reds with wrathful rebukes and skilful trickery, and to deny them a place in ye league of champions.
And Tottenham they did fear also ye Gunners’ might, for their neighbours did provoke them grievously and irritate them, and they did possess a game in ye hand. But on this day ye six-pointers did swarm across ye land and consume ye attention as locusts consumeth all ye crops of Egypt, and ye Gunners’ own burden was severe. And West Ham did approach them, with their high priest who could perform miracles from ye set pieces, and they did covet greedily ye silver and gold bequeathed upon ye top four and fought to make it their own.
And there was excitement all across ye land. And ye people did cry out once again and they did weep and they did sing, and they did pledge to forsake ye false idols and alternative sources of entertainment. And ye Premier League looked down upon the earth and was content.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“He needs to change psychologist or go to a psychiatrist. He counts on his fingers, the kid doesn’t know how to add up … little sod! If he had any courage he’d say what I had to say to him. That’s the real motive why this disgraceful person doesn’t have the courage to talk and has been hiding this for six years” – Luis Suárez’s former Mr 15% Daniel Fonseca responds well to the Barcelona forward’s claims that he is still owed money by Fonseca from his transfer to Groningen.
FIVER LETTERS
“Re: Fifa Ted (yesterday’s letters) – I’m probably not the first or last to suggest this but Republic O’Ireland manager Woody Allen as Mrs Doyle surely? Go on, print this, go on. Go on” – Mark Robinson.
“Mrs Doyle to be played by Karren Brady: ‘Will yer have a move to the Olympic stadium? Ah yer will, go on, go on, go on, go on.’ Bishop Brennan to be played by Arsène Wenger: ‘Fifa indiscretions? I didn’t see it’” – Ron Graham.
“Re: anagrams of managers (yesterday’s letters) – ‘Creams all day’. The hitherto unknown – and frankly unsettling – princely side of Big Sam” – Mark Dawson.
“Been very impressed with your recent references to my woefully undersold home town. First you point out that ‘Borussia Dortmund chief suit Hans-Joachim Watzke believes that aliens own 99% of the world’s wealth and that the moon landings were faked in a St Helens shed’ and then you offer a cringingly unfunny photograph of Saints legend Alan Hunte being bothered by a baguette in promoting Gavin Willacy’s excellent piece on 20 years of Super League. Sterling work” – Stephen Orford.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … it’s a rollover.
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BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool’s resurgence under Jürgen Klopp may hit the skids after Milan said they expect to send Mario Balotelli back to Liverpool with a big Return to Anfield note stuck on him. “He is desperate to stay here at Milan,” squeaked Milan chief suit Adriano Galliani. “But like I have said before, he does not merit a permanent deal at the moment.”
Sepp Blatter, the former Fifa president who is suspended from all football activities because of a series of unethical practices during his time at the dormant volcano that serves as the governing body’s lair, is to appear on the panel at the University of Basel/Basle/Baaarrrrll as an expert on how to tackle corruption.
Tony Pulis is in no rush to ink a new West Brom contract although he is keen to get a free dinner off the chairman Jeremy Peace. “I still have a year left, there’s no rush in doing anything else. I would prefer to sit with Jeremy and have a nice glass of wine and a bite to eat,” cooed Pulis.
Manchester City may be happy to risk seeing various bits fall off Vincent Kompany rather than risk seeing Eliaquim Mangala in the centre of defence again during their Big Cup quarter-final second leg against PSG.
Former Real Madrid goal god Raúl will trot out in the club’s famous ice white shirt one more time in a June charidee match against Ajax to honour Johan Cruyff.
And the Israeli side Beitar Jerusalem have banned reporters working for a left-leaning newspaper from the press box after getting a raging funk on about reporting of the club’s alleged r@cism.
STILL WANT MORE?
It’s not only oversized specs, facial hair and cherry red Dr Martens that are trendy again, so is the concept of a second team, thanks to Cuddly Claudio and co, cheers Richard Williams in this Leicester love-in.
Barry Glendenning, Paul Doyle and Michael Butler deserve a prize for somehow finding 10 things to look forward to in the Premier League this weekend. Well done.
Thanks to a plan – and an extraordinary man – West Ham can avoid being a flash in the pan, rhymes Jacob Steinberg.
A monorail to take Spurs and Arsenal fans up to a shared stadium at Alexandra Palace? Yes, it’s a preposterous plan plucked from this week’s Joy of Six: bad ideas in football.
Jürgen Klopp is reminding English football what it has always been good at: closing down. Jonathan Wilson gets his gegenpress on.
And Jamie Vardy, a muddy whistle and a lost shinpad feature in this week’s You are the Ref. Peep!
