Q: I was married for twenty years when my now ex-husband had an affair _ and eventually married the woman. We've been divorced for five years and I'm still very angry. We have two adult children who are both married with children and they have chosen to continue their relationship with him, even though I've asked them not to. It seems as if they are choosing him over me, and he's the lying cheater! Am I out of line expecting them to side with me? It seems like everyone I love is deserting me in favor of this piece of crap! What should I do?
A: I think being angry is completely normal under the circumstances, but how you're handling it is certainly questionable. It's obvious that you're still harboring a lot of pain, but asking your kids to take sides, no matter their age is terrible ex-etiquette. I refer you to good Ex-etiquette for Parents rules 5 and 6, "Don't be spiteful," and "Don't hold grudges." Good ex-etiquette simply means "good behavior after divorce or separation." I've never seen spite or holding a grudge make someone happier. Asking your kids to take sides puts them right in the middle of the two people they love the most. Ultimatums rarely brings loved ones closer, which is ironic, because when you are this hurt is when you need your family around you most.
You may be confused by why your kids (and grandkids) seem to have picked the "bad guy," while you're still suffering. I've found it may be as simple as they wanted to forgive him. He could have been remorseful, admitted he was wrong, vowed to never do it again and they accepted his apology. For you, an apology, if one was ever offered, was not enough and you continue to want vindication. But, expecting your kids to follow in your foot steps will further tear your family apart. Look how unhappy you are. If they take sides, they may be equally as unhappy.
From a good ex-etiquette standpoint, if you can't stand to be around your ex, then don't be, but do your best not to undermine your children and grandchildren's relationship with him. As you have seen, if the kids want to stay in contact with him, they will, and any bad word from you will just further estrange you. When you are unhappy, don't vent to your kids. Find a friend, counselor, or even write me _ just don't tell the kids what a miserable person their dad is because it sounds like they want to heal and each time you remind them of their father's indiscretion, you open up the wound again. They will then associate you with the hurt, not him. Sounds like that's what may be happening now.
I know this sounds unfair. Why do you have to make all the concessions and you're the one who has been wronged? There's no fair answer. But, your original concern was that all the people you love seem to be deserting you. Displaying dignity at a crucial time will draw more family members to you than displaying anger and resentment. It sounds like this is eating you alive. Consider talking to a counselor to get some individual guidance with this. That's good ex-etiquette.
