Q. I caught my wife cheating. Is it against the law? I want to sue someone or arrest someone! Seems like something that hurts so many people should be against the law! My kids are really messed up and I don’t know what to do. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. As I’ve said before, good ex-etiquette is good behavior after divorce or separation. Unfortunately, this sounds like bad behavior before divorce or separation — so technically, the good ex-etiquette component applies to how you handle yourself after the breakup. Threatening lawsuits and arrests may be a little over the top, although most in your position certainly understand how you feel.
Following the rules of good ex-etiquette for parents, rule No. 1, “Put your children first,” suggests it’s time to protect your children from further pain. It sounds like they already know what happened. The knowledge of the specifics — that their mother went outside of your marriage, their father is devastated (I don’t know what state their mother is in) and you will divorce — is possibly one of the most difficult things a child can face. Take a look at all the changes your family will have to make in the near future, from dealing with the betrayal to possibly moving, the kids going back and forth between homes, maybe changing schools, and so much more. Their life is in total chaos. How will wanting their mother to “pay” for what she did aid anyone in their recovery? Make your decision accordingly.
Now, let me address the “Is adultery against the law?” question. First, I am well aware that some of my readers will agree with the moral basis of this information and some will not. Please don’t shoot the messenger.
According to my research, because laws have been left on the books unchecked over the years, I was surprised to find that sex outside of marriage continues to be illegal in some states in the U.S., although not many, and a few of those states currently have proposed legislation to remove the crime of adultery.
Don’t cheat in Idaho — although the law is rarely cited and this may change soon, it still appears to be a class A misdemeanor and punishable by up to a year in jail and possibly a fine of up to $2,500. Oklahoma laws are even more strict. There, you may be subject to felony charges. Plus, Oklahoma forbids living with someone within 30 days of divorce or remarrying within six months of a divorce. This is vastly different from California, where I practiced and worked with some parents who moved in with new partners within weeks or months of a breakup. The laws are different from state to state, so if you are really determined to sue someone, check with an attorney. An attorney can also tell you whether cheating might affect the final child custody agreement.
I’d like to suggest caution, however. As angry and hurt as you are, your children may not feel the same as you do about their mother, and looking for ways to set the record straight, like badmouthing her, for example, will only increase their confusion. Plus, an angry court battle could easily add to the emotional scars they may already be facing. I’m not saying don’t get a divorce — that’s your decision and certainly understandable if that’s what you choose to do. How you handle that divorce will determine how your children survive the trauma. Now, more than ever, they need you to put them first. That’s good ex-etiquette.
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