Q. My daughter, age 7, continually tells me that she wants to spend more time with me. I don’t want to badmouth her mother, who is adamant about following the court order, so I told my daughter that the judge has told us what to do and we must follow what the judge says. It hasn’t helped. In fact, it’s become even worse. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. There are few red flags here, and I bet you will be surprised when I point them out.
It’s great that you don’t want to badmouth mom. That’s great ex-etiquette. However, two misconceptions may change the way you handle this in the future.
First, many parents have told me they are afraid to not stick to the court order, but that’s a misconception. You don’t have to stick to the court order if you and mom have an agreement to do something else. I emphasize “agreement.” You can’t just arbitrarily change anything, but if you agree on a change, write yourselves a letter with that agreement, sign it, date it, get it notarized if you want to, but your new agreement is legal and you have not violated a court order if you both follow your new agreement.
Let’s say your daughter stays with you every other weekend, Friday to Sunday. Mom and you get along far better now than you did when you first split. You can talk to each other, and problem-solve together. You decide together that your weekends should go from Friday after school until Monday to school. Write the new agreement down, then both of you sign and date it. You’re fine. I would suggest you amend the court order with your new agreement as soon as you can just to have the correct one on file. But your new agreement, signed and dated by both of you, is viable and protects both of you.
Second, children think the sun rises and sets with their parents. Their parents are their protectors. That’s who makes them feel safe and secure, especially during a breakup, when everyone is going this way and that. Telling your daughter that the judge is responsible tells your child that you do not have control over her well-being, that someone other than mom and dad makes the big decisions for her, and that’s simply not true.
If you agreed about your child’s custody, the judge would just sign the agreement. If you don’t agree, that’s when a judge steps in, but it’s only because the children’s parents can’t put their own issues aside and equitably decide where their child lives. The judge is the boss in this situation because you and mom made them the boss. The courts do not want to raise your children. The court wants the parents to make their decisions in the best interest of their children all by themselves.
So if mom is using the “we can’t break the court order” strategy to control the situation, that’s on her, and I don’t know enough about your individual situation to comment. If she is saying that because she is frightened (or you're frightened), may I suggest some co-parenting counseling to help you both reassess your positions, and start working together for your child’s sake. That’s good ex-etiquette.
