Q. My ex and I divorced a year ago. We met each other when we were in high school and though we often had different opinions on various things, I thought I knew him. Our 7-year-old son recently told me that over the last few weekends my ex has had a different woman spend the night every time he visits. I am shocked and I’m not sure what to do. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. So many red flags, starting with getting your information from a 7-year-old. Granted, he is your 7-year-old and I’m sure you think he would never lie to you, but a 7-year-old’s perception is vastly different than an adult’s, and this causes more problems between co-parents than I can count.
This is the reason I always suggest parents who hear stories from their children check out the story by talking to the other parent. Young children often do not understand what they see and may misreport, or the adults add their adult perceptions to what was said and misunderstand.
To prove my point, I often tell the story of a mother and father who ended up in court because their 5-year-old told his father “Mommy was sleeping with Billy.” (Billy was mom’s boyfriend.) It turned out it was true, but they had just fallen asleep in front of the TV. The young child had a nightmare and on the way into mom’s room for comfort happened on Mom and Billy on the couch. Dad jumped to conclusions and believing mom’s moral judgment was in question, rather than just ask mom to clarify, filed a petition for full custody. Mom’s written explanation in her response to dad’s filing wasn’t enough for dad. When it was clarified in my office, dad immediately dropped the petition, but simply asking mom firsthand would have saved a lot of time, money and embarrassment.
This is not to say what your son is reporting is wrong. It’s just best to clarify with the other parent before you accuse, especially if your accusations are based on the perceptions of a 7-year-old.
Some parents have trouble questioning how the other conducts their single life. Understandable, and if not asked correctly, you’ll probably be shut down very quickly with an “It’s none of your business” reply. That’s why it’s so important to have a conversation (and an agreement) about how and when you will both introduce new partners to the children. New girlfriends each weekend is not in your children’s best interest.
Think about it. If your parent had a different person spending the night each time you spent the weekend, how seriously would you take the new people? Consider how difficult it might be to learn to commit yourself or form lasting relationships after a parent didn’t take their dating life seriously. After a few trial runs, don’t you think you might find yourself shying away and not letting yourself get close to new people? Then the parent wonders, “Why don’t you like my girlfriend (or boyfriend)?" It’s not that at all. It may be just the opposite. The child is afraid to get close because this person they like so much may be gone soon.
So, two things. One, come to an agreement when and how you will introduce new partners and honor it.
Two, most parenting plans build in enough alone time that a parent can date when the child is with the other parent. Use that time wisely. That’s good ex-etiquette.
