Q. The father of my child and I just broke up. Our son is 3. I feel like since our son is so young, he should live with me. His father doesn’t agree and wants to keep him for two or three days at a time. I think this is outrageous and I’m afraid to let my son go with his father because he won’t bring him back when I want him to.
What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. Fifty years ago the courts might have agreed with you. Custody was decided using the “tender years doctrine,” meaning it was understood the mother would be the primary caregiver and receive full custody while the father received visitation. T
hat hasn’t been the case for years. Custody is now decided “in the best interest of the child.”
That means the law sees both parents as having equal rights. It is recognized that a child needs both parents in their life on a regular basis to be safe and emotionally secure. Now, unless there has been something in the past to prevent it, most parents are granted joint custody of their children after a breakup, and a parenting plan is put in place that allows the children as much time as possible with both parents.
Does that mean your child will spend more time with you than he does with dad? I don’t know. It differs from state to state, and other factors we have not discussed will be taken into consideration when deciding custody.
I can tell you this — if you prevent your son from spending time with his father based simply because you think it is outrageous, it may backfire.
If you are practicing good ex-etiquette, all your decisions are made by putting your child first. This means you take yourself out of the equation and use your child’s welfare as the basis for your decision-making. Thinking it's outrageous is merely your opinion, and judges do not take it lightly when either parent interferes with their child’s time with their other parent.
As a matter of fact, when push comes to shove and a judge must decide, the deciding factor as to which parent will receive primary custody is often based on which parent is most likely to facilitate time with the other parent. Right now, that doesn’t sound like you.
At this juncture, your best course of action is to sit down with dad and come to an agreement as to when your son will be with you and when he will be with his father. During that discussion, talk to dad about how each of you will take care of your son when the other is not around. Create an environment where you can reach out to one another in the name of your child and he will flourish. Create an environment where your child is afraid to love both of you and feels he must choose one or the other, and you are contributing to your child’s anxiety, insecurity and questionable mental health.
In other words, you need an attitude adjustment, and quick.
If you really want to know what’s good ex-etiquette, it’s when parents put their children first and do their best to help each other be the best parents they can be.
You can do this! That’s good ex-etiquette.
