Q: My husband of two years came home last week after a weekend away "with the guys" and told me he wanted to start dating _ specifically his ex. He doesn't want to break-up, he just wants to see his ex as well. They have two children, and I'm pregnant with our first. I'm really at a loss. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Not this, and I vote for moving on. I don't normally advocate divorce. Truth is, I hate it, but in your case, if we are approaching this from a good ex-etiquette standpoint, the guy sounds immature and selfish and is not putting his wife or any of the kids in his care first, (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 1, "Put the kids first.").
Now, he could say he is. I'm speculating here, but let's say after this weekend he realized he's still in love with his ex _ but you're pregnant and he doesn't feel he can leave you like that _ so he's being honest, telling you the truth, and his ex is supportive because she still loves him, too. They have two children and you are pregnant _ by not leaving any of these kids, he thinks he's actually putting them first.
Hog wash. (I cleaned it up.) He's a cheater.
All moral considerations aside, in this day and age, you don't have to get married to have sex nor to have children, but once you make the commitment to marry, you are saying we are keeping it at home. Monogamy. You and me. Period.
Your husband is telling you he won't, he doesn't want to, but he doesn't want to break-up. Aside what that says to you, it says even less to the children. Ex-etiquette rule No. 8, is "Be honest and straightforward." That means being honest about his motives and about how he really feels. Try not to wrack your brain over it. It's not your job to figure that out. It's his.
Bringing it back to the children, as much as I always say it's about all the children, and there are soon to be three here to consider, you have to put your child first. (Rule No. 1) It's unfortunate you found out about all this after the fact, but the most important thing you can do now is create a secure environment for the child you are about to have. This means you may have to keep your temper when you don't want to, and rise above being vengeful. (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 5, "Don't be spiteful" and "Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 6, "Don't hold grudges.") Just remember, you're not doing that for your husband. You're doing it for your child.
Finally, it's understandable that you may want to rip him from one side to the other _ but do not post anything derogatory anywhere. If you do not work through this, you will be looking to agree on a parenting plan for your child. Anything you post, from a text to Facebook, can be used as evidence in Family Court. Badmouthing backfires. Find a good therapist who can support you and is bound by confidentiality. That's good ex-etiquette.
