Q: My bonusdaughter's father is non-existent. I've been married to her mother for 7 years and he has shown up maybe a couple of times a year with no warning. Since I have known my wife she has purchased a Christmas present for my bonusdaughter from her father. There it is under the tree each year. She says she doesn't want her daughter to think he has forgotten about her. My bonusdaughter is now 14! This whole state of affairs infuriates me because I have been there this whole time and support and love this child, but she waits for this present from her non-existent father. I want to tell her the truth, but her mother says that if I say a word, she will leave me. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Not saying a word _ for now. But, Mom has created quite a mess. Her lie has not only affected her daughter, but it's also affecting your relationship. When you start lying, you either have to lie to keep things going or lie again to cover up the original lie. That's one of the reasons I included, "Be honest and straightforward," in the ten rules of good ex-etiquette." Rarely does any good come out of it, and when your loved ones find out that you've lied, you have probably hurt them twice. Plus, when there are children involved, it complicates matters further. Parents are role models. Oh, what a tangled web we weave.
Not only that, when you threaten to leave a 7-year marriage to prevent your spouse from doing something you don't want them to do? That's a huge red flag. Now she's lying and giving ultimatums. You can see what I mean _ one thing just leads to another.
Don't get me wrong, I am certainly not judging Mom. She told the original lie to protect her child. It doesn't make her all bad. It was a stretch but done out of love _ and guilt. A common problem. A parent feels bad about the break-up and worries their child will feel abandoned by the other parent and that was her way to save the day. And, ultimatums are usually made out of desperation. How do you get out of this mess is the big question.
Honestly, I think Mom knows she's just putting off the inevitable. She's backed herself into a corner and since she has no plan to get out of this mess, she doesn't want you to say anything before she can figure something out. You have made it very clear; you're frustrated and want some sort of acknowledgment for being there all these years. Mom probably knows that _ and wants to give that to you, but she's desperate and just wants time. Unfortunately, her daughter is 14, time is quickly running out.
It is not your place at this juncture to say anything, but Mom has to take care of this ASAP. I'm always in favor of a sit-down face-to-face, this-is-the-deal, come clean, I'm sincerely sorry _ sort of conversation. To me, you can't beat honesty. If you don't feel you can do it by yourselves, don't be afraid to seek help _ a therapist, clergy person, etc. But it really has to be done. And, let Dad fail all by himself. Be there to pick up the pieces ... as always. You won't be sorry. That's good ex-etiquette.
