Q. My wife’s ex-husband is a contractor and very handy. I am not. We have been married for five years and she still calls him to fix the hot water heater or repair a hole in the drywall. I would love to just hire someone but with COVID-19, I have been out of work and hot water heaters are expensive. He does it to keep the kids safe and warm, I get it, but it’s demoralizing, and I hate it. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. I’m relying on math here. You blame this situation on COVID-19. But COVID-19 has only been around for two years, and you said you have been married for five. So this was a problem before COVID. With that in mind, my answer will be a little different than if this situation started because you were out of work as a result of the COVID lockdown.
It’s all about boundaries, and communication. If your wife knows it bothers you and continues to do it, that’s a problem. There’s no excuse for that level of insensitivity. If you haven’t mentioned it and are suffering in silence, that’s your own personal boundary you have not put in place, and that’s on you.
There’s a whole dynamic associated with being the “new” partner. Many are intimidated by the ex merely because they are the ex. There’s the fear that feelings still linger, and it’s easy to place yourself in competition when there probably is no competition at all. I always say, exes are exes for a reason. If your wife hasn’t made it clear why her ex is her ex, then again, she has a personal boundary she has not put in place — particularly if she continues to depend on him to keep everything in working order with you standing on the sidelines feeling inadequate.
Now that you are out of work, there’s the financial component to consider. And if it’s bothered you for years, you’re probably kicking yourself for not taking care of it before being short on cash put you in a compromising position. It would be easy to feel a little trapped by your circumstance.
But your wife is supposed to be your closest confidant. You aren’t holding up your end of the bargain if you aren’t telling her exactly how you feel. Therefore, get clear in your mind exactly what is bothering you and what you would like to see happen, and sit down and talk about it. Don’t just drop the problem in her lap. Have a suggestion for how you would like to handle it. Do you want her to continue to call him at all? If the answer is no, what’s the alternative? Perhaps her ex can suggest another contractor who might work with you in regard to finances. Put your heads together — be each other’s partner and work it out.
That said, don’t be afraid to step out of your comfort zone to find the right answer. Replacing a hot water heater may be over your head, but I can speak from experience, I learned to repair drywall by watching a You Tube tutorial. You may be handier than you think!
For you: Remember to be honest and straightforward when looking for a solution with your wife (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents rule #8). For your wife: It may be helpful if she puts herself in your shoes (Good Ex-etiquette for Parents rule #7) when she asks her ex to save the day. That’s good ex-etiquette.
