Q.I have two kids. They live with me half the time and with their mother half the time. I have read your books and although it sounds good to get along with your ex, personally, I just don’t think it’s normal. When you break up, you break up. You’re not supposed to get along with an ex. Kids or not.
A.Well, you know I’m going to take issue with two things you said.
One, I’m not sure you can apply about kids living in two places, going back and forth between their parents' homes. Yes, it is the status quo in many homes, but I’m not sure the word “normal” would apply.
Two, it seems that you believe it’s “normal” to be estranged from your child’s other parent simply because you are no longer together. All I can say to that is, kids do the best they can with their parents’ choice to break up. I don’t think they would tell you anything about their life afterward is “normal.”
The good ex-etiquette message isn’t “just get along with your ex.” It’s not that you are expected to be buddy-buddy and hang out together. It’s that if you break up and share custody of your children, it’s your responsibility to create an atmosphere where your children are comfortable living in two homes. Rarely does that include perpetuating anger and resentment for their other parent or blatantly displaying your dislike for one another in front of your children. Rather, it’s looking for ways to simply get along in your children’s name. Cordial is the name of the game.
When I talk about the rules of good ex-etiquette for parents, I’m trying to offer guidelines to help parents put aside their personal issues and put the kids first. It’s never easy, especially immediately after the breakup. That’s when parents are the most volatile, and when their kids are aching for stability, security and calm. That’s when they are moving; they may be changing schools, and possibly leaving friends. But, most of all, the biggest change is they will never again live under the same roof with both parents.
So when someone says, “When you break up, you break up. That’s the way it is.” I can say, yes, I understand, but that attitude doesn’t help your children. Anyone can say, “Your father’s a jerk,” or “your mother is this or that” and give their kids a long list of all the bad things their other parent did. It’s something bigger and more unselfish to strive to get over your own issues and demonstrate respect and cooperation, because your kids are watching and learning from everything you do.
Finally, something else to remember: Exercising good ex-etiquette is the ultimate goal. It’s something to strive for. Like every challenge, there may be setbacks. But, setbacks are part of the process. The key is don’t sit in the set back. Learn to say "I’m sorry." Learn to accept an apology graciously, and always put your kids first — again and again and again. That’s good ex-etiquette.
