Q. I am 19. My mom and dad divorced when I was 12. It was difficult, but we all got through it, particularly because my mom married a really kind and understanding man about 4 years ago. I am close to my dad and would never do anything to hurt him, but I am looking for some way to also honor my bonus dad this Father’s Day. Do you have any suggestions?
A. I liked the fact that your attitude is “also,” not “instead of.” Parents often expect there to be a choice—and if asked to choose, most children will tell you that their parent comes first. If they have a loving relationship with a bonus relative, from mom, dad, or even sibling, they don’t want to formally come out and say, “I like you best.” They want to have affection for both and privately hold the parent and bonus parent in their heart.
So then you have a day like Father’s Day--a day to honor fathers and their devotion to their children. The day asks you to single out dad—and justifiably so, but you are lucky enough to have two men who have been there for you. Now what do you do?
I always say, “You can’t have too many people love your child,” and you are living proof. Kudos to dad and bonus dad for both supporting you—and I hope they supported each other while raising you. It’s not enough to both love and care for you, it’s just as important that they acknowledge and each other and realize that they both have tried their best. Acknowledging someone’s good work eliminates jealousy and promotes teamwork. If any endeavor needs teamwork, it’s raising kids.
When my own daughter got married, there was the classic question of who would walk her down the aisle. She had a great relationship with both dad and bonus dad and wasn’t sure how to address the situation. She knew her dad would take it personally if he was not asked. He had always felt a little jealous that her bonus dad actually lived with her whereas he saw her on weekends. She understood this, but she also wanted to honor her bonus dad. (Sort of the same issue you are facing this Father’s Day.) Her answer was that her bonus dad walked her halfway down the aisle to where her dad was sitting. They stopped, bonus dad shook her dad’s hand, and then father and daughter walked the rest of the way. Her dad eventually “gave her away” and answered the question, “Who gives this woman to be married to this man?” She felt this appropriately honored them both.
With this in mind, there are all sorts of creative ways to approach your problem, from all spending your time together (not for everyone) to simply making plans with one in the morning and one in the afternoon. You can set aside another day for your bonus dad and make that a ritual every year. You can simply send loving thank yous to one or both. It’s up to you. You are the one honoring them. Love is the great equalizer. That’s good ex-etiquette.
