Q: My mother passed away unexpectedly earlier this week while our children, ages 10 and 12, were in their father's care. The kids were very close to her. I made him aware of her passing when I asked him to swap time with me so that the kids and I could attend her funeral out of state. He declined, and expected me to allow the children to stay with him three extra days while I was gone. My family went to great expense to rearrange the schedule so that the children could be at the funeral. He doesn't think he has done anything inappropriate. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Good ex-etiquette is doing anything you can to make a difficult situation easier on your children, particularly at times when they are vulnerable and need the support of both of their parents. The fact that you and their father are no longer together should mean nothing in a time of crisis. Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 1 is, "Put the children first," and this is a perfect time when you would do just that. Shame on dad. Deplorable ex-etiquette.
If you were following good ex-etiquette while co-parenting, you would call their father, explain what had happened and he would make them available for you to tell them of their grandmother's passing. This might include dropping them off at your home a day early if necessary, even if your parenting plan states "receiving parent" because just finding out the news, you may not be in the condition to drive. A good co-parent would also check if you wanted him to stick around and help comfort the kids when you pass on the news.
The kids can easily make it up any lost parenting time when they return, but the truth is, who cares? The important thing is your kids saw their divorced parents support each other at a bad time. They will know that their father has gone out of his way for them, and this will make them want to return to dad's home as soon as they can. Make it difficult for them to be with mom and don't be surprised if they balk at going back.This is when the difficult parent blames the other parent for undermining them. "The kids don't want to come back to my house because of YOU. Obviously, you are turning them against me." Don't cooperate with each other and the children will naturally reject the parent who appears vengeful, angry and manipulative. If they balk at returning, it's time for that parent to look inward at how their attitude contributed to the problem.
Finally, there are times that parents disagree about the appropriateness of children attending funerals, plus kids 10 and 12 may also feel uncomfortable attending the funeral itself. If that's the case, using compromise and cooperation as your guide, (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 10) it may not be necessary that they attend the service as much as they are with the family, possibly attending the "Celebration of Life" or Memorial following. That should be discussed and agreed upon prior to leaving _ but the children should be allowed to be with the parent and extended family who has lost a loved one, no matter whose parenting time it is officially. That's good ex-etiquette.
