Q: Please settle an argument. My wife will barely talk to me at this point and I don't know what to do. I have one son that lives on the other side of the country. He visits every summer for three months and also on a break here and there. He was here over Christmas break and all hell broke loose. My wife says her kids resent me _ and him _ because I don't make him do chores when he visits. But, I'm afraid he won't want to come back if he has to pick up dog poop or do the dishes. I'm desperate to keep him in my life and it's difficult from 3000 miles away. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Well, I have to agree with your wife on this one. Although I understand your reasoning, the way you're handling it is questionable and causing problems. Favoritism is often at the root of bonus-resentment and you're flying that red flag high. Basically, you're telling everyone _ your wife, your bonuskids, and your son, that you know you're openly favoring your child, but you're afraid if you don't, he won't want to come back. So, that's what you'll do to ensure he stays in your life. A decision rooted in fear rarely gets you what you want.
To that, let's look at what your actions are saying to the important people in your life, beginning with your child, then to the other children, and finally, you wife.
Not including your son in the family responsibilities means not including him in the family. If he's to see himself as a family member, he must be treated and required to act like a family member. He's there for three months at a time. Family members in your house have responsibilities that help the home run more smoothly. If the other kids are responsible for picking up dog poop and doing their dishes, as an active family member your son should be responsible as well. Not requiring him to pull his own weight when he lives there puts him in the visitor category. Now he's a guest, not a family member. You have made him an outsider.
Meanwhile you have other kids who live with you and who are asked to accept you as a parent figure, but see you openly favoring you own child. They feel betrayed, and as a result, reject you and reject your child. Your wife sees her children hurt and resents you as well _ and all this can be addressed by simply including rather than excluding your son. If he rejects you, stand up! You are his father. Be the role model he needs _ and make sure you don't leave interaction to times he visits. Keep him in the loop. Skype and FaceTime are wonderful tools to keep long distance relationships fresh.
It's extremely difficult to combine families and to do it well each family member must be invested in creating the family identity. This does not mean at the expense of the other parent or their biological brothers and sisters or their past in any way. It means in addition to all those things. This must be made clear to all the players on all sides and be presented as a positive intertwining; one that brings out the best, not one that creates a wedge and asks for allegiance to one side or another. So set the stage, include your son. Excluding him will not give you the relationship you want. That's good ex-etiquette.
