Q: My ex and I share custody of our daughter, and lately I've noticed that my daughter never wants to talk to me when she is at her mother's house. She seems happy at my house and likes to talk to her mom when she calls, but distant and withdrawn from me when she's with her mom. I've discussed this with her mother, but since it's not happening at her house, she really doesn't care. What's good ex-etiquette?
A: Good Ex-etiquette rule No. 1 is "Put the children first," and it doesn't seem like that's what's going on. It sounds like your daughter is experiencing a very common problem faced by children of divorce. If she's with mom and enjoys it, she's betraying Dad. If she's with Dad and enjoys it, she's betraying Mom _ and either you or mom or both of you may be contributing to it _ hopefully without knowing it. If it's being done on purpose, that is very serious and could be considered emotionally abusive.
Here's a quick check list. Do either of you see yourself in any of these behaviors?
_You call your daughter just to tell her how much you miss her _ right before bed so she can fall asleep knowing how much you love her.
_Right before she leaves to go to the other parent's home you get a touch of sentimentality and wave good-bye with tears welling in your eyes just long enough so she notices.
_You buy her a puppy, kitty, new video game, concert tickets, etc. and call her at the other parent's house just to let her know it's waiting for her when she gets home.
_You put down the other parent, their lifestyle, or choices, and possibly have "Bitch" or "Jerk" as their Contact Name in your phone.
_You ask your daughter to pass along information to her other parent and rarely talk to the other parent yourself. (Make her the messenger.)
If either of you are saying and doing any of these things, you're putting your child right in the middle of the two people she loves most _ and here's an eye opener: A parent doesn't "win" when a child prefers to be with them. The child loses. A child needs to feel loved and secure by both parents and when she doesn't, it won't allow her to feel comfortable at either home. Can you imagine never feeling settled?
In truth, when you do something like sadly call a child right before bed, it's not comforting. It's manipulative. The last thing he or she hears is your anxious voice explaining how life just isn't the same when the child is not around, and so the child feels guilty for being there _ even if she just loves it at the other parent's home.
Even the words parents use to describe "home" can be manipulative if they're not careful. For example, do you call your house, "home" and the other parent's house, "your mom's?" Both parent's houses are the child's "home" and should be referred to as such.
Finally, it will help if parents remember that their child spending time with the other parent is normal behavior when parents share custody after a break-up. Act like it. That's good ex-etiquette.
