Q. My ex is suing me for full custody of our three kids. She says I am an incompetent parent and does not think I should have time with the kids alone. But, I was a stay-at-home dad before we broke up! How can she get away with something like this? What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. When parents reach out with the same fears as you are expressing, the first thing I ask is, “Why do you think a court would make that decision?” Years ago, that might have been true, but years ago, most dads did not stay home with the kids. Now, it’s quite commonplace, and court decisions will probably be different.
Of course, that depends on your particular circumstance — I don’t know your personal story. But if you are presenting everything honestly in your email, it has been my experience that judges look at what is in the best interest of the children, and also what the children have been experiencing prior to court.
That means if you were a stay-at-home dad and spent most of the time with the kids, it would be improbable that you would receive no custody time at all. Consistency is important, especially in the times of a parental breakup. If you were the primary caregiver, the court is obliged to take that into consideration.
It’s more likely that mom is angry, and that’s when parents start threatening sole custody. However, in this day and age, I rarely see sole custody awarded to one parent unless there is a history that the children are not safe with the parent alone — for example, child protective services record document domestic violence, abuse, addiction or mental health concerns that are not being addressed. (I specifically stated “that are not being addressed” because mental health concerns do not necessarily predict sole custody to the other parent, particularly if a parent is being proactive with their meds and follow-up therapies).
So although you are frightened and hate that you are being threatened, if you and mom’s cases are presented honestly, the court will probably suggest an equitable parenting plan. The challenge is how you will live that parenting plan.
If you are as estranged as it sounds, it’s not the custody order that will be troublesome. It will be your understanding that your children need both of you and how that affects your ability to communicate and problem-solve in their name.
When either parent works long hours, it is particularly important to reach out to one another to offer the kids consistency from home to home. Rather than fight with each other and threaten sole custody, your efforts may be better used in finding a co-parenting counselor you can trust to help you put your issues aside and raise your children without all the drama that normally accompanies a breakup.
This is when parents scoff and tell me drama is expected after a breakup. Maybe. But if you can keep it to a minimum, your kids will thank you. That’s good ex-etiquette.
