Q: My husband and I recently married and Easter is the first holiday we will celebrate as a bonus family. I'm Jewish and my husband is Christian. Neither of us is devout, but we are still wondering how to present these two different approaches to our children.
A: One of the most important components to successfully combining families is to have a plan in place BEFORE you move in. How you worship as a family should be part of that plan. No plan, you'll flounder, and therefore so will your kids. If you were "devout" we wouldn't be having this discussion. The fact that you aren't actually makes this question more complicated.
Many believe exposing children to two different religions will be confusing _ and it can be _ it's all in the approach. Allow there to be an ebb and flow to your approach and your children will take it in their stride. Make things black and white _ my faith is right, yours is questionable _ that's what will confuse the kids. Then they must choose sides. Present both beliefs with tolerance and love and your children will grow up loving and tolerant.
Regardless of the issue, for the children in your care to feel safe and secure, parents combining families must anticipate various problems and come to agreement as to how they will present those things to the children.
Take religion, for example. Remember that "plan" I was talking about? Using good ex-etiquette you must:
First, decide with your new partner exactly what you're willing to compromise and what's nonnegotiable. In other words, how will you both present your individual faith openly without judgment? (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 10, "Look for the compromise.")
Second, come to agreement as to how you'll observe the different traditions associated with both faiths.
_Will you both become more devout now that the kids are watching?
_Will the holidays be approached from a religious point of view or will they be approached secularly? There's always the Easter Bunny and the Rites of Spring. That can become your family tradition if you don't want to tackle dueling faiths. Or, both religions have a rich history. If you are looking for explanations rather than ways to worship, you may want to approach it from an historical point of view.
_Are there any holidays or traditions that complement each other?
_Are there any holidays or traditions you might combine to establish a unique way to observe together?
Third, learn to share your point of view without being defensive or making unkind remarks about the other religion. (Ex-etiquette for Parents rule No. 3, "Don't Badmouth.") Teach your children that there will always be differences, but to treat those differences with respect establishes a good foundation and models tolerance. (Ex-etiquette for Parents Rule No. 9, "Respect each other's turf.")
Finally, religion is definitely a "hot button," but this decision is really no different than any other decision you must make when combining families. Fight, argue and ask the kids to choose and you offer them nothing more than heartache and confusion. If you have modeled the values of your religion (love, kindness, compassion), you have done your job and prepared your kids for the life ahead of them. That's good ex-etiquette.
