Q. After about a year on an online dating site, I finally met someone. Actually, I met two. And, they both like me as well. I decided to date them both — just ride it out until one appealed to me more than the other. I was honest and told them both I was seeing other people. Well, the inevitable happened. I was simply drawn to one more than the other and we have decided to see each other exclusively. I don’t know how to tell the other person. I feel bad, but I don’t know what to say to him and I’ve put it off for two days. What’s good ex-etiquette?
A. If you are looking to the rules of good ex-etiquette to guide you, I’d point you to Good ex-etiquette rule #8, “Be honest and straightforward.” You are right, it’s insensitive to let someone believe you are interested when you are not. The question here is really not about the breakup, but what to say, so let’s take a look at some honest but creative ways to end a relationship.
First thing: Don’t ghost. Ghosting is really cowardly and doesn’t accept any responsibility. It leaves the other person to question what is “wrong” with them or what they did “wrong” and it's just unfair to leave someone who cared about you hanging.
Second, don’t text. I get that texting is much easier and requires little or no commitment on your part, but the reason you are feeling bad is because you know there probably was a little implied commitment, even if all you said was, “Let’s see where this thing goes.” That’s telling the other person you acknowledge the possibilities which, in turn, gives them hope for a future.
Third, calling is far classier than ghosting and texting. Take a breath and punch in their number. Have an idea what you want to say before you initiate the process. Better yet, if it’s convenient, talk face-to-face — but that can be tricky. If you know the person will be hurt, taking them out in public where others are watching as you look them straight in the eye and drop the breakup bomb seems really cruel. So take a look at the manner in which you want to conduct yourself and have an idea of how you will react if your friend’s response is emotional or possibly angry.
What to say?
The five-step breakup
1. Start with a positive about them. Really think about who they are to you and point that out. Let’s say you have been close for a while and you value his kindness. Then it might be, “Alan, we have grown close over the last few (weeks, months, etc.) and I’ve never met anyone as kind as you.”
2. Elaborate if you like, or move on to the next step.
3. Explain your reason for the breakup. That might be, "I'm not ready for a serious relationship right now." Or, "Our political or religious views don't match." Or, “There’s someone else.”
4. Make sure you make it clear you want to break up. "So, I think we should stop seeing each other." Or, "So, I think we will just make better friends."
5. Offer closure. “I know we'll always care about each other." Or, "I’m so glad I got to know you.”
Following these steps, you have been honest, kind and respectful. And that’s good ex-etiquette.
