RISKY BUSINESS
Despite having a side top-heavy in attacking talent, Mr Roy started the European Championship 2016 more tactically reserved than John Prescott’s parking space . He was hammered by the press for his substitutions in Brave Ingerland’s opening match against Russia, which may or may not have contributed to them conceding a late goal and sharing the points with arguably the worst team at this year’s tournament.
But still, Mr Roy didn’t budge. If miserly, conservative tactics had got him anywhere, and they had, he wasn’t about to reinvent the tactical wheel halfway through a group stage just because a few people thought he might be better off fielding two of his five strikers. But then after another half of frustration, Raheem Sterling and Gareth Bale, and Mr Roy rolled the dice. His gamble to bring on three strikers immediately paid off against Wales and Mr Roy saw the light. Taking risks were no longer a tactical decision, they were life choices. In the Roy household, 30+SPF cream was immediately substituted for tanning oil, a diet of raw fish was enforced, a tribal tattoo was inked, and Ferris Bueller’s Day Off was downloaded to show the lads at the next video session.
But there are now fears that Mr Roy’s risky behaviour has gone too far. He has announced that he intends to make six (SIX!) changes from the team that started against Wales - including his two best players this tournament, Speedy Kyle and Captain Wazza - despite the fact that the side could yet be eliminated from the tournament with a defeat to a handy-looking Slovakia side.
“I have the option because everyone is anxious to show what they want to do. It’s a question of what we’d like to do, rather than what is necessary,” roared Mr Roy, slightly missing the point that getting at least a point tonight could be very necessary to reach the last-16. “It wouldn’t be a problem if I wanted to keep the same side but there are players who would like to play.”
While the force of what Jordan Henderson and co “would like” appears too strong for Mr Roy to resist, Brave Ingerland’s Group B pals Wales are also in the mix to reach the knockout round, and face Russia tonight in the ominously named Toulouse.
“After the [England] game we decided to go out for lunch. Having burger and chips seems to have helped,” smiled Bale. “It is nice to get a change and it lightens everyone’s mood. I had a nice dessert as well, a crêpe with Nutella. I have seen only a little bit of them, of Russia, but they’re a very good team.”
So there we have it: Brave Ingerland putting out their second-string for their crucial final group game against Slovakia, Wales feeling a bit bloated and sounding wholly ill-prepared for Russia. Everything should turn out just fine, then.
LIVE ON BIG WEBSITE
RECOMMENDED VIEWING
Group B is coming to a close: here’s what could happen.
QUOTE OF THE DAY
“I hope Puma does not produce condoms” – Xherdan Shaqiri gets his zing on after a number of Switzerland’s shirts disintegrated against France.
FIVER LETTERS
“Kudos to Luca Parmitano (Friday’s Bits and Bobs) for his honesty. You’d never find anyone in this country saying such a thing, largely because the phrase ‘I’m not a football expert but I am a fan of the national team’ is usually expressed through the medium of attaching England flags to car/van windows” – Ed Taylor.
“I’m a cultural being and rather than spend Sunday watching Euro 2016, I chose to watch a contemporary art performance called France v Switzerland (aka two hours of my life I’m never getting back). It was a thoroughly wonderful performance from all the actors, portraying the pointlessness of existence through the medium of 22 men faffing around on a terrible excuse for a pitch for 90 minutes while Danny Murphy on co-commentary tries to convince me that kicking someone in the head isn’t worth a yellow card and Alan Shearer in the studio describes Switzerland’s performance as ‘Brilliant’. A doff of the cap to all involved” – Noble Francis.
“Re. Paul Dixon’s letter on mythical national animals (Friday’s Fiver). As a side note, I was confused as to why Scotland would choose a unicorn as its national animal, until someone pointed out to me that it’s a horse that can stab you” – Matthew Shore.
“Hell’s Bells, Didier Deschamps must have Big Balls to blame an AC/DC gig for France’s performance at the Vélodrome (Friday’s quote of the day). Maybe if he got his forwards to Shoot To Thrill occasionally instead of taking a Touch Too Much every time, his team might be able to Shake Your Foundations” – Gary Ford.
• Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Ed Taylor.
RECOMMENDED LISTENING
Join AC Jimbo and co for the latest edition of Euro 2016 Football Daily.
JOIN GUARDIAN SOULMATES
Chances are that if you’re reading this tea-timely football email, you’re almost certainly single. But fear not – if you’d like to find companionship or love, sign up here to view profiles of the kind of erudite, sociable and friendly folk who would never normally dream of going out with you. And don’t forget, it’s not the rejection that kills you, it’s the hope.
BITS AND BOBS
Liverpool’s Mamadou Sakho is set to learn within the next three weeks whether he will face a prolonged period on the naughty step for contravening Uefa drug rules.
The Republic of Ireland and Italy will not be allowed to train on the Stade Pierre-Mauroy rink before their Group E game on Wednesday after France and Switzerland players recreated Torvill and Dean’s 1984 gold medal-winning routine on the surface on Sunday night.
Brendan Rodgers will treat either Estonian or Gibraltarian opposition to a glimpse of his teeth during his first match as Celtic manager after the Scottish champions were drawn to face Flora Tallinn or Lincoln Red Imps in the second qualifying round of the Champions League.
And 49-year-old Yokohama FC player Kazuyoshi Miura has broken his own record as the oldest goalscorer in Japan’s league system. “I need to be scoring more, to be honest,” he parped.
RECOMMENDED QUIZZING
Who wanted to kick Dennis Bergkamp? Who was screaming like a girl? And who is now allowed to drive in the bus lanes? If you know the answer, you’ll ace Gregg Bakowski’s European Championships quotes quiz.
STILL WANT MORE?
Lukas Vrablik spent a little time in the company of Marek Hamsik who, it turns out, is not going to be drawn into saying he’s a bit like Wayne Rooney.
Barney Ronay got chatting to a walkie-talkie clad Uefa volunteer in Lille, only to discover he was a former team-mate of N’Golo Kanté. So he shoved a tape recorder in his face.
Daniel Harris has stopped drawing love hearts around pictures of Marcus Rashford for long enough to scribble a few fevered thoughts down about the young striker.
If Copa América organisers are wondering how to go about filling empty stadiums in the US, perhaps not charging $1,300 for a seat would be a good place to start, reckons Tom Dart.
