If you read the syndicated newspaper advice columnist Carolyn Hax recently, there was a reader question — below the one from the woman with the rage-Facebooking husband — from a parent wondering how parents handle it when their children, like hers, want to skip their team’s games for other events, like parties. The kids are in elementary school.
Before I weigh in, here is Hax’s answer:
DEAR ANONYMOUS: A team member’s job is not to let down the team.
A sports parent’s job is not to be insane.
These overlap nicely when you allow younger children to skip a game only as a rare exception and only with skippable games. Technically there’s no youth game that Actually Matters, but there are some that matter to the team and/or its ability to play in a playoff or at a higher level. Don’t blow those off for parties.
The window for missing games inches closed in middle school and slams shut in high school, so plan or unplan accordingly.
This sums things up pretty well, but since I have more space than Hax had for this answer, I’ll expand a bit for all of parents nervous that your single-digit-aged child missing a game or a practice means blowing their chances of a college scholarship.
The first thing to realize that, you, as the parent, get to make the final decision. Not the child. And certainly not the coach, even an over-serious jackass who tells you a kid has to sit out a game or something for missing practice for any reason. Sadly, that was me when I coached my now 21-year-old son’s fourth-grade, Catholic-school boys basketball team, my first gig coaching in a competitive league. Even though most parents loved this idea (if my kid shows up, he’ll get more playing time!), it’s the sort of thing that created tension right from the start, and was, frankly, pretty stupid of me to do. Who did I think I was? If there is a conflict that is so important for your child or family that skipping a game or practice is necessary, do it. Even in high school. Your child joined a team, not the Army.
Of course, that event is likely to be along the lines of a funeral rather than a birthday party, so the advice I’m giving here — based on 15 years as a sports parents, and nearly a decade’s worth of experience as a youth coach — will talk about a less urgent level of event.
My blanket statement is that if your child is 6 or younger, or playing in a low-stakes, no-score league, do whatever you want — this isn’t the NBA. Even in a lot of travel leagues, it’s your call, because it’s your dime. When my then-15-year-old son played AAU basketball, missing practices or games wasn’t an issue as long as the coach got notice. Hey, the team had already cashed my check, so who cares? So parents of elementary-age kids, here is what you do:
BEFORE THE SEASON STARTS: Particularly if this is your child’s first time in a sport, you need to share what is expected in being part of a team — that your priority is the practices and games, and if there is conflict (such as a party), you will likely have to miss it. You don’t have to guarantee your child has a full understanding of the concept — you just need to mention that so it’s your child’s head, and you can refer back to that statement later if needed.
You also should check if there is a rule about what happens if a child misses a practice or game, or ask the coach about it. That may be less of an issue in sports that in some activities. For example, my kids participated in a theater group that made it clear if you were going to miss more than four rehearsals, you wouldn’t be considered for a lead role. So know as much as you can about what you’re getting into — including your and your child’s own schedule.
WHEN IT APPEARS THERE’S A CONFLICT : As I mentioned earlier, you’re the parent — if you think an event or party is worth your child missing a practice or a game, that’s your call. You also have the right to tell your child, “No.” No, you can’t skip a game just to go to a friend’s birthday party. No, you can’t not show up when you don’t feel like going, because you made a commitment — we talked about that at the start of the season.
Here’s the thing to watch: if your child really, really enjoys a sport or activity, there probably won’t be a lot of arguments over missing practices or games. If your child is looking for a lot of excuses to step away, then maybe you re-think if this particular sport or activity is worth continuing — because there are probably other signals that this isn’t their thing. (Which is OK!)
WHEN IT’S TIME TO SKIP THE GAME OR PRACTICE: If you have a coach who isn’t a jerk (unlike myself in the aforementioned fourth-grade league), that person won’t be upset about the decision to skip out — unless you don’t provide any notice. The more, the better. So if you as a parent know there is going to be some conflict, contact the coach (preferably in writing — email is better than text because email keeps longer) and let him or her know the date or dates that are an issue. You don’t necessarily owe an explanation as to why, but it’s polite to offer one. I’ve always found it effective as a parent to apologize for the inconvenience — you at least let the coach know you’re sympathetic to his or her own interests. It’s not that you’re afraid of the coach or what he or she might do.
Then, as the date gets closer, send another reminder (text is OK, because now you’re closer to the date) and refer to your earlier message. Again, to be polite, a “sorry for the inconvenience” message doesn’t hurt.
Part of the fun of sports is not making a job out of it for your kids. There is a valuable lesson in teaching kids that when they make a commitment, they have to stick to it. But things happen — things that you may realize are more important for your child than a game. If you’re straight and polite with everyone — your child and coach alike — everything should go very pleasantly. And if they don’t, you might rethink if you want your child in this coach or league in the future.
