You already know what time it is. Time for a slapdash ranking of all the various nicknames on display at UFC on ESPN 1, as taken from UFC.com, Tapology and Wikipedia.
22. (tie) Cain Velasquez: ???
Cynthia Calvillo: ???
Kron Gracie: ???
Jessica Penne: ???
Jodie Esquibel: ???
Some of those lacking nicknames this time around really surprised me. Jessica Penne is a name that lends itself to numerous pasta puns. Kron Gracie combines the first name of a futuristic robot mercenary with a last name that might just be the most famous in all of MMA. Cynthia Calvillo could easily start calling herself the “C&C Beatdown Factory.” And for some of us, Cain Velasquez’s name will always conjure speculation about the difference between sea-level and high-elevation performance. So many missed opportunities.
21. Benito Lopez: Golden Boy
20. Vincente Luque: The Silent Assassin
Maybe I could get more into this one if he’d totally commit to it. Like, refuse to give interviews. Stand there wordlessly as Jon Anik asks you to take us through the fight. Walk out to total silence in the arena, no music or anything. See, then you’d have yourself a gimmick.
19. Andre Fili: Touchy
18. Ashlee Evans-Smith: Rebel Girl
This nickname is a little too much about what it’s about, if that makes sense.
17. Myles Jury: Fury
Usually I’m not a fan of the rhyming nickname that was clearly chosen for that reason only. But something about how blandly hokey this one is just … sort of … fits?
16. Luke Sanders: Cool Hand
If he wants this nickname I say he’s got to prove it by eating 50 eggs. And no one can eat 50 eggs …
15. Cortney Casey: Cast Iron
Interesting choice for a fighter. These days we know cast iron mostly for its use in cooking implements. As an early material in weaponry and agriculture, when it first originated in China in the 5th century BC, its main advantage was that it was relatively cheap, though also somewhat brittle. When it made its way to Europe roughly a millennia later, it was useful as a building material and eventually in cannons developed for the English navy. Using cast iron, you could make a bunch of cannons for your ships without enduring an exorbitant expense. Is this what Cortney Casey had in mind? Or is she just trying to tell us that getting punched by her would feel like getting hit in the head with a cast iron pan?
14. Jimmie Rivera: El Terror
I like a nickname that allows me to feel like I’m semi-bilingual even though I’m not.
13. Emily Whitmire: Spitfire
You know what I said earlier about not liking rhyming nicknames? The harder your name is to rhyme with, and the more syllables it has, the more credit I give you for stubbornly making it happen anyway.
12. Andrea Lee: KGB
11. Renan Barao: The Baron
Ah, the classic Brazilian fighter move. When the nickname supplants the name, just go with the nickname.
10. Alexandra Albu: Stitch
https://media1.tenor.com/images/cbe32d64266152a1d3b45e32e186ae72/tenor.gif?itemid=4100026
9. Francis Ngannou: The Predator
Cons: There are already numerous famous Predators in this sport, like Don Frye and Patrick Cote.
Pros: When Ngannou rocks the longer hair in braids, he actually resembles the sci-fi movie character far more than any of them ever did.
8. James Vick: The Texecutioner
As the moral philosopher David St. Hubbins once said, it’s such a fine line between stupid and clever. Nowhere is that more true than in the realm of nicknames. This one? It teeters precariously on that line, always threatening to drop to one side or the other and yet never quite falling over. I am forced to respect that.
7. Bryan Barberena: Bam Bam
Can’t you picture him thrashing around inside his home when he returns from the gym, knocking down doors that he means to open and ripping the tops off cereal boxes before pouring Fruity Pebbles into his mouth? Plus, “Bam Bam” Barberena is just fun to say.
6. Aljamain Sterling: Funk Master
Pros: He really owns this one, and it seems to fit perfectly with his overall look and persona.
Cons: If ringworm starts spreading through the gym, you just know everybody will blame the guy nicknamed “Funk Master” whether he’s axctually responsible or not.
5. Nik Lentz: The Carny
Let’s just say that as the years progress Nik Lentz isn’t looking any less like a traveling carnival worker.
4. Manny Bermudez: The Bermudez Triangle
I want to hate it. I really do. But he keeps triangle choking people, so how can I?
3. Alex Caceres: Bruce Leeroy
2. Scott Holtzman: Hot Sauce
A guy who played college baseball and hockey, who has incorporated his love of hot sauce into not only his nickname but his entire social media presence, who likes his life hot and spicy but also once kept it cool for the Knoxville Ice Bears? That’s a well rounded individual right there.
1. Paul Felder: The Irish Dragon
See what he did here? He didn’t just call himself The Dragon. That wouldn’t be fun or original. So instead he invites you to consider a specific dragon, from a specific region. And you can almost picture it, can’t you? That Irish dragon, lurking in a dark cave hidden along the Cliffs of Moher, emerging in the mist to feast on red deer and unlucky vagabonds, breathing fire down upon whole villages but also somehow providing astute commentary in a broadcaster role. In other words, I’m into it.
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