I thought John Lewis was posh. But it turns out it’s disgusting tat that needs throwing out.
This is the biggest shock of Boris Johnson and Carrie Symonds paying someone to redesign their flat because it “smells of John Lewis”.
I thought that if someone said their dinner plates came from John Lewis, you were supposed to go “oooooo, la-di-da, my filthy tongue isn’t fit enough to touch anything that’s been on one of those, your Supreme Majesty”.
Now I know you’re meant to start sobbing at their poverty, and organise a concert to raise money, finishing with a charity song in which Bono sings “let each heart ring a bell, for those locked in the cell, of the flat where they dwell, with a John Lewis smell”.
Make sure you look into their eyes and tell them to stay strong.
And then you can make a documentary for Netflix about the truly awful conditions these wretched souls are forced to live in.
Maybe Dame Judi Dench could narrate it, saying, “I almost had to turn my eyes from the squalor of the bathroom.
The Chatsworth white marble bidet seemed to squirt tears from its taps, the pebble grey mounted mirror reflecting back the pallid stench of a life that has never experienced bespoke interior design.
“We can only thank the Lord that as it was over £300 the delivery was free.”
In the shanty towns of Brazil and the villages of Somalia, the people will wipe a tear and splutter, ‘When you see how they have to live with a pleated cotton lampshade that was on special offer for £95, it certainly puts our trifles into perspective'.
They will join with little children from the slums of Indonesia, who will beg their mothers to sell their only chicken so they can send some pennies to Boris and Carrie, so they can finally get rid of the smell of John Lewis and start to live.
But even then Boris Johnson’s interior design problems won’t be over.
Because the object that’s caused most surprise is their new £9,800 sofa.
The one before it was a major cause of the argument that led to the police being called, as Carrie screamed Johnson had ruined it with red wine.
And another one before that was where Jennifer Arcuri said she’d frolicked with Johnson.
Every sofa Johnson touches leads to chaos. He could probably be diagnosed as suffering from Sofa Constant Disaster Syndrome.
Some people just have no luck in life.
But somehow, even though most people believe he’s been dishonest and even more believe he did “let the bodies pile up high”, rather than introduce a lockdown, he stays ahead in the polls.
It could turn out he raised the money for his curtains by organising a secret dog-fighting racket linked to a Mexican drugs cartel that supplied Putin with the poison he sent to Salisbury, and lots of people would say, “Well, that’s Boris for you. He may not be squeaky clean but he gets things done.”
