Match reports
That’s all from me. There were just three pretty ropey Premier League fixtures to look forward to, but in the end there was plenty of drama and excitement. It’s been a blast. Now join Rob Smyth for Arsenal v Lincoln City:
Yannick Bolasie has been recuperating in front of his television this afternoon.
Yesssss boys keeping that pressure on the top 6 🙌🙌 🔵 #coyb #nsno pic.twitter.com/vjzXbe2eBZ
— Yannick Bolasie (@YannickBolasie) March 11, 2017
In League One, Bolton beat Fleetwood 4-2 to move third, just a point behind their vanquished opponents. Sheffield United looks pretty comfortable at the top, but second place is very much up for grabs.
60 - No side to have conceded 60+ goals after 28 Premier League games (as Swansea have) have stayed up. Mountain.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) March 11, 2017
A big day for footballers called Josh scoring hat-tricks involving some penalty-based intrigue. Bournemouth’s Josh King was quite interesting, but Gillingham’s Josh Wright takes the biscuit by scoring three in nine minutes, all from the spot, starting in the 77th, to turn a 2-0 deficit at home to Scunthorpe into 3-2 defeat. Having completed the dramatic late turnaround, he then got booked for excessive celebration
“I’d like to draw attention to the fact that Portsmouth are currently putting in what must be the away performance of the day, hammering Colchester 4-0,” writes Matt Loten. “Barring an unprecedented collapse [there wasn’t one – that was the final score], we will end the day comfortably in the top three, and set fair, after a few years of misery, for our first promotion since 2003. It’s not been easy being a Pompey fan for the best part of the last decade, so I’ll take any chance to get overexcited!” This does appear to be quite a good chance. I’d go for it.
Final score: Everton 3-0 West Brom
Tony Pulis’s puzzling team selection doesn’t pay off, as West Brom are emphatically second best to Everton.
Final score: Hull 2-1 Swansea
A big result for Hull, whose far-fetched dreams of survival are looking more realistic by the day.
FULL-TIME: @HullCity 2-1 #Swans
— Swansea City AFC (@SwansOfficial) March 11, 2017
It's all over here. Not a good day at the office. 👎
Final score: Bournemouth 3-2 West Ham
The Cherries miss two penalties and still canter to victory in an entertaining, drama-packed encounter.
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Fulham win a stoppage-time penalty at Newcastle, but rather than let Sessegnon complete his hat-trick Tim Ream takes it. He misses. Still, they’re 3-1 up and coasting to victory now.
GOAL! Hull 2-1 Swansea (Mawson, 90+1 mins)
Sigurdsson with the assist, inevitably. He curls in a free-kick from the right, and Mawson meets it with a lovely header, sending the ball bouncing in at the near post!
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Randolph pulled off some heroic saves today, but he has had some bad times against Bournemouth and for all his efforts it looks like this will end up being added to the list.
2 - Both of Bournemouth's Premier League hat-tricks have come against West Ham United (Callum Wilson and Joshua King). Picked.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) March 11, 2017
GOAL! Bournemouth 3-2 West Ham (King, 90)
Bournemouth break, and the substitute Wilshere carries the ball about 50 yards before finding Pugh on the left. He pulls back to Wilshere, whose first-time shot is saved but King knocks the rebound into the roof of the net to complete his hat-trick!
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Bad news for Ried, who are 1-0 down at St Pölten. Marco Perchtold scored the goal.
GOAL! Everton 3-0 West Brom (Lukaku, 82 mins)
A simple goal for the big lad, who finds the top corner with a close-range header from a left-wing cross.
19 - Romelu Lukaku has scored 19 Premier League goals this season, his best return in a single campaign. Power.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) March 11, 2017
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GOAL! Bournemouth 2-2 West Ham (Ayew, 83 mins)
West Ham poop the party, as Byram is sent through down the right, Boruc leaves his goal to close him down, and he pulls back for Ayew to find the empty net!
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Hull City 2-0 Swansea (Niasse, 77 mins)
It’s a cross from the right, and it looks to be looping forlornly to Fernández, but Abel Hernández gets a tiny touch, the defender can’t react to its new course, and it runs on to Niasse, who controls and scores!
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GOAL! Hull City 1-0 Swansea (Niasse, 69 mins)
Hull break, and with a couple of passes find Niasse sprinting inside from the right. His first touch is poor, but Fabianski doesn’t react quickly enough, and the striker pokes it under his body as the goalkeeper comes out!
Niasse nervelessly slots the ball past the hitherto unbeatable Lukasz Fabianski and Marco Silva has been rewarded for his courage.
— Iain Macintosh (@iainmacintosh) March 11, 2017
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There’s a stoppage at Bournemouth, where Antonio is on the turf and looking pained, apparently by his right shoulder.
Hull have had more possession and more shots, but the game remains emphatically goal-free.
Hull, bright and ambitious, have just gone for it. Balls out. Oumar Niasse is on and they have two up top. Bold strategy, Cotton.
— Iain Macintosh (@iainmacintosh) March 11, 2017
And Ryan Sessegnon has a second, and Fulham a third, at Newcastle!
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Also in the Championship: Reading are 3-0 down at Preston, and Sheffield Wednesday are a player and a manager down, both Vincent Sasso and Carlos Carvalhal getting their marching orders, and are also 1-0 down at Aston Villa.
Fulham are now 2-0 up at Newcastle, courtesy of their young tyro Sessegnon.
Enjoyed the word search in this #lofc fanzine today pic.twitter.com/8t2gCfkxtE
— Martin Belam (@MartinBelam) March 11, 2017
It was simple but precise stuff: a free-kick from deep on the right, crossed into the area. A header back across to King, mystifyingly unmarked. A simple finish.
GOAL! Bournemouth 2-1 West Ham (King, 48 mins)
Bournemouth are winning! But the referee and linesman are now having a chat. Could it still be disallowed? No, it’s definitely a goal!
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We’re back under way in half two. Not a lot of interval news, but here’s what I’ve got:
45' SUB: Baines off, Funes Mori on for Everton (2-0) #EVEWBA #WBA
— West Bromwich Albion (@WBA) March 11, 2017
This is a good tackle:
Mats Hummels with tackle of the season for Bayern Munich this afternoon... https://t.co/9yZQ7t8C3H
— talkingbaws (@talkingbaws) March 11, 2017
In case you’re wondering, it’s St Pölten 0-0 Ried at half-time.
As Stephen Cooper points out, you can sing Z-Cars if you put your mind to it: in a previous life it was a folk song and sounded like this:
Yeah, I know I said West Ham were beating West Brom. This was because I’m an idiot. I’ve changed it now, so anyone coming to the page from now on will see nothing but pure, delightful accuracy.
Bournemouth’s penalty-fluffing heroics are throwing up some decent stats:
2 - Bournemouth are the first side to miss 2 penalties in the first half of a PL game since Aston Villa v Wimbledon in Sep 1998. Wayward.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) March 11, 2017
48 - There were just 48 seconds between Bournemouth's missed penalty and West Ham's opening goal. Breakaway.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) March 11, 2017
Ding Ding! Half time! Time to relax. It came at a particularly good time at Hull, where N’Diaye and Olsson got involved in some unnecessary late handbags, and can now cool down a bit. Had Olsson fallen over when N’Diaye shoved him forcefully in the chest, the Senegalese might even have got the rest of the afternoon off (though credit to him, of course, for not doing so).
GOAL! Everton 2-0 West Brom (Schneiderlin, 45+1 mins)
Another for Everton! Lukaku holds the ball up well, turns infield and then passes to Schneiderlin, running into the area, and he floats past an ineffectual challenge and pokes past Foster.
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@Simon_Burnton but Z Cars is good. On bagpipes, no, of course. What's wrong with the non-drone version though?
— Rory O'Keeffe (@RoryOKeeffebook) March 11, 2017
You can’t sing along to it. It isn’t exciting. It has nothing to commend it over any number of alternatives except the fact it’s been played for years. We’ve become a sentimental species, but there’s no reason to cling on to something just because it’s been done for years, and especially when it’s bobbins. See also, turkey at Christmas.
It particularly infuriates me at Watford, where the the teams come out to Z-Cars because the guy who was manager 40-something years ago quite liked watching it on the telly. If I owned a team, I’d have them run out to this:
GOAL! Everton 1-0 West Brom (Mirallas, 39 mins)
Deadlock broken at Goodison, as Barkley’s low, hard shot from just outside the area is saved by Foster, but the Belgian snaffles the rebound!
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Bournemouth miss another penalty!
Afobe takes this one, and goes low to his left. Randolph goes low to his right and falls on the ball, which went precisely and pretty much to the inch where he would have wanted it, and holds it to boot!
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Pugh is found in all sorts of space on the left, does some jinking, and then falls over Fonte’s outstretched leg. The referee says it’ll do!
Bounemouth have another penalty!
Old ≠ good
@Simon_Burnton how dare you! Z cars is a classic!
— Yama_vole (@Yama_vole) March 11, 2017
GOAL! Bournemouth 1-1 West Ham (King, 31 mins)
The ball falls to King in the box, with his back to goal, but he flicks it over his shoulder, turns and shoots low past a helpless-this-time Randolph!
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Bournemouth continue to push but still haven’t actually scored. Derren Randolph comes up with two excellent saves in the space of a minute, tipping a low drive wide and a high header high.
Norwich are one up, but now down to 10 men against Blackburn, Dijks getting punished for a foul on Emnes.
BREAKING: @RangersFC confirm the appointment of Pedro Caixinha as their manager on a three-year contract. #ssnhq
— Sky Sports News HQ (@SkySportsNewsHQ) March 11, 2017
Swansea seem to be doing the more convincing attacking at Hull, but haven’t made it count. Indeed, the closest they’ve to come to scoring was through Huddlestone’s dangerous back-header.
Norwich are 1-0 up at home to Blackburn, Cameron Jerome with it, as Alan Irvine settles into temporary charge.
Newcastle are losing to Fulham, for whom Tom Cairney has scored with what apparently was a bit of a stonker.
0-1 - It's a stunning strike by Tom Cairney from outside the box. No chance for Karl Darlow and the visitors lead. #NUFC
— Newcastle United FC (@NUFC) March 11, 2017
Bournemouth keep pushing! The latest attack ends with Daniels smacking the ball across goal, and King just failing to get on the end of it.
Chance for Bournemouth! Kind of! A lovely through ball finds Afobe running into the West Ham penalty area, and he brings it down, turns it past the keeper, but it hits the left-hand post! And the miss didn’t really matter, as the ball had hit both of Afobe’s hands while he brought it under control.
It's a rubbish tune, @Simon_Burnton, but, like Alex Young, it is ours (though not just ours). Here's a tribute https://t.co/q0l7ZJeOGa
— Gary Naylor (@garynaylor999) March 11, 2017
GOAL! Bournemouth 0-1 West Ham (Antonio, 10 mins)
Seconds after missing the chance to go a goal up, Bournemouth go a goal down! It was messy as well, as after Feghouli gives the ball away the ball is given back to him by Arter 25 yards from goal, and he prods to Antonio in the area, who spins and shoots low across goal and just inside the – right, as Antonio looks at it – post!
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Bournemouth miss a penalty!
Josh King sends Randolph the wrong way and calmly sidefoots the ball low, hard, and wide of the opposite – right, as King looks at it – post!
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Penalty to Bournemouth! Feghouli is defending on the right flank, and Charlie Daniels passes to his right and then heads towards the box. Feghouli follows him, waits until he’s in the area, and then grabs him by the shoulder and hauls him down!
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Some big goals already, with Leyton Orient a goal down to Grimsby in the seventh minute, and Stevenage one up at Luton in the third.
It’s three o’clock. Action!
Everton pay tribute to the late Alex Young by finding a way to make a rubbish tune even worse.
🔵 | The Blues appear to Z Cars played on the bagpipes in memory of the late, great Alex Young. #EFCmatchday
— Everton (@Everton) March 11, 2017
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The teams are out, and busily limbering up. Kick off is but moments away!
We’ve just launched an article by a Lincoln City fan, about Lincoln City. Here’s how it starts:
I saw my first match in September 1971 – Grimsby at home and we won 3-0. My first football hero was Frankie McMahon, a little ginger-haired Irishman. He scored twice that night and the game had everything. A local derby, a pitch invasion, great goals. That was it. I was hooked and could never have supported anyone else after that. I live in Manchester now and it is hard supporting the little team but it’s never left me. To see Lincoln taking on Arsenal is unprecedented.
Read more here:
“Greetings from Austria,” writes Michael Gartner. Hello! “Ried’s Captain, Thomas Gebauer, says: ‘Anybody can look at the table and see how important this game is’, and adds ‘We know anything is possible with the new coach.’ to prove that generic football talk is available throughout the world. I will go watch Altach vs Mattersburg though.” Oh.
“That West Brom lineup is as ugly as homemade soup,” writes JR in Illinois. “Fletcher and Yacob and Livermore? Oof. Surprised TP couldn’t find a way to shoehorn Olsson and Wilson into the starting eleven as well.”
1. I think homemade soup can be a very beautiful thing
2. Morrison, Rondon and Brunt out; McLean, Robson-Kanu and Yacob in seems a puzzling personnel switch. Maybe Tony Pulis is concentrating on West Brom’s next couple of games – against Arsenal and Manchester United.
Football Weekly regular Iain Macintosh is at Hull, for the cracking-in-prospect contest between two teams transformed by newish managers:
And for Swansea, with four wins in their last six, Routledge and Rangel come in for Narsingh and Naughton. Should be fun, this.
— Iain Macintosh (@iainmacintosh) March 11, 2017
Premier League teams
All (six of) your top flight teams are here!
Bournemouth v West Ham
Bournemouth: Boruc, Adam Smith, Francis, Steve Cook, Daniels, Arter, Gosling, Pugh, King, Fraser, Afobe. Subs: Gradel, Brad Smith, Allsop, Mousset, Wilshere, Ibe, Cargill.
West Ham: Randolph, Kouyate, Fonte, Reid, Cresswell, Obiang, Noble, Feghouli, Lanzini, Antonio, Carroll. Subs: Snodgrass, Adrian, Collins, Ayew, Byram, Masuaku, Fernandes.
Referee: Robert Madley
Everton v West Brom
Everton: Robles, Coleman, Ashley Williams, Jagielka, Baines, Davies, Schneiderlin, Barry, Barkley, Lukaku, Mirallas. Subs: Gana, Valencia, Stekelenburg, Funes Mori, Calvert-Lewin, Holgate, Lookman.
West Brom: Foster, Dawson, McAuley, Evans, Nyom, Livermore, Chadli, Fletcher, Yacob, McClean, Robson-Kanu. Subs: Olsson, Morrison, Rondon, Brunt, Marc Wilson, Myhill, Field.
Referee: Graham Scott.
Hull v Swansea
Hull: Jakupovic, Elabdellaoui, Ranocchia, Maguire, Robertson, Huddlestone, Markovic, N’Diaye, Clucas, Grosicki, Hernandez. Subs: Davies, Meyler, Maloney, Diomande, Marshall, Niasse, Elmohamady.
Swansea: Fabianski, Rangel, Fernandez, Mawson, Olsson, Fer, Cork, Carroll, Routledge, Llorente, Sigurdsson. Subs: Amat, Ayew, Britton, Borja Baston, Nordfeldt, Narsingh, Kingsley.
Referee: Andre Marriner.
So, today’s 3pm kick-offs in full. It’s one of those days when you need to look outside the top flight if you’re to have a full ration of fun, so here are the fixtures in all four English divisions. If anyone’s particularly keen drop me a line and I could pretend to be interested in Scotland:
Ye Premier League
Bournemouth v West Ham
Everton v West Bromwich Albion
Hull v Swansea
Ye Championship
Aston Villa v Sheff Wed
Barnsley v Ipswich
Brentford v Huddersfield
Burton Albion v Nottm Forest
Cardiff v Birmingham
Leeds v QPR
Newcastle v Fulham
Norwich v Blackburn
Preston North End v Reading
Wigan v Bristol City
Wolves v Rotherham
Newcastle, having not lost and won eight in the league since 2 January, take their excellent form and league leadership to play-off aspirants Fulham, who are currently five points behind the top six with a game in hand, but won’t want to drop any further behind.
Ye League of One
Bristol Rovers v Southend
Charlton v Walsall
Chesterfield v Shrewsbury
Coventry v Bradford City
Fleetwood v Bolton
Gillingham v Scunthorpe
MK Dons v Rochdale
Oldham v Bury
Peterborough v Oxford Utd
Port Vale v Swindon
Wimbledon v Northampton
With table-topping Sheffield United having the weekend off, Fleetwood in second host fourth-place Bolton in the L1 fixture of the day. Elsewhere there are games between two teams just outside the play-offs, in Bristol Rovers v Southend, and two others just outside the relegation places, in Oldham v Bury.
Ye League of Two
Barnet v Crawley
Carlisle v Cambridge
Colchester v Portsmouth
Crewe v Newport
Doncaster v Cheltenham
Exeter v Accrington
Leyton Orient v Grimsby
Luton v Stevenage
Mansfield v Plymouth
Morecambe v Yeovil
Notts County v Hartlepool
Wycombe v Blackpool
Two stand-out crunch matches in L2: 5th v 6th as Luton host Stevenage, and 22nd v 21st as Hartlepool visit Notts County.
Ye random foreign match that I’ve picked out for an apparently decent reason but will forget to mention again
St Pölten v Ried
In which Ried, bottom of the Austrian Bundesliga table after a four-match losing streak, visit the third-bottom side, who sit four points ahead of them, in a crunch relegation six-pointer.
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Hello world!
It’s Saturday! It’s the middle of the afternoon! So it’s got to be … [dramatic pause] … time for the biggest, bestest football teams in all the land to show us exactly what th …
[hurried whispering]
You what?
[more whispering]
Three?
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