Right, that’s it from me. Thanks for your company and emails. Stick around on site for all the reports and reaction. But from me, cheerio!
Peep! PEEP!! PEEEEEEP!!! All over. QPR’s misery on the road continues. And Everton leapfrog Liverpool.
90+5 min: Eto’o sidefoots against the post from the edge of the box. Then Barkley rolls the ball across goal and Kone only just misses out.
90+4 min: “Forward!” come the shouts from the crowd. And more grumbling when the centre-halves look to keep possession. Bizarre.
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90+2 min: After a long wait, Barkley fires the eventual free-kick a yard or two wide.
90 min: It’s actually a really nasty challenge from Mutch that, trapping his ankles in a sort of scissor movement from behind. The Belgium international is going off on a stretcher. He’l miss four minutes of injury time, with Arouna Kone coming on.
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89 min: Mutch is booked for a hefty chop on Mirallas.
88 min: Everton fans whistle and boo Jagielka for playing the ball back to Howard. With his team 3-1 up. With three minutes to go. Eh? How does that work?
87 min: … clonked clear by an Everton boot.
86 min: Everton are on the ropes a touch. Besic flies in to deny Barton, but it’s a QPR corner …
84 min: Jagielka dives in to deny Kranjcar who finds an inexplicable amount of space on the edge of the box. Everton just need to be careful here.
82 min: Fine save from Green as Coleman smashes a shot at goal. It was pretty close to the keeper, but very sweetly struck.
GOAL! Everton 3-1 QPR (Zamora 80)
Everton finally pay the price for a significant drop in intensity. Hoilett lays the ball off to Mutch. Mutch forces Howard into a low save but Zamora pops in the rebound.
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78 min: Replays show that Naismith’s header was flicked away by Green onto Onuoha. That’s an own goal and the last touches for all three Everton goals tonight have come off QPR players.
77 min: Fer comes off, with Kranjcar coming on. And for the home side, Lukaku is replaced by Eto’o.
76 min: Hoilett attempts to dribble past the entire Everton backline and rather predictably loses the ball.
74 min: The free-kick drops invitingly to Hoilett, who leathers his volley into the stands. Worth a go, I suppose.
73 min: McGeady trots off to be replaced by Pienaar.
72 min: Barkley nips in to dispossess Vargas, but then fouls Mutch on halfway.
70 min: Green makes it a hat-trick of botched clearances with a gentle sidefoot straight to Baines 40 yards downfield. This time Everton can’t take advantage.
69 min: It’s all got a little scrappy and shapeless. Like a three-quarter eaten omelette.
67 min: Fer makes a fine tackle to deny McGeady, who was about to profit from another Green miskick.
65 min: Everton have taken their collective foot off the gas and QPR are taking advantage. Well, sort of. Isla gets into space down the right and pulls back to Mutch, who larrups his first-time effort over the bar from the edge of the box.
63 min: Fer rattles forward and the Everton central defensive pair are pulled apart by the QPR front two. That leaves Fer with an decent view of goal, but he wangs his effort well wide from distance.
62 min: QPR win a couple of back-to-back corners, but they can do four-fifths of absolutely nothing with them.
60 min: “That last goal wasn’t ugly, it was fugly,” writes JR in Illinois. “I think Dunne deserves special mention there. The ‘clearance’ by Green was woeful but it fell to Dunne, who could have done any number of things with the ball. It seems like Dunne looked at what Green did and thought to himself ‘You call that bad? Watch what I can do!’ Mercy.”
59 min: The anonymous Matt Phillips is the man to make way for Zamora.
58 min: Redknapp is about to send on Bobby Zamora. The horse has long since bolted, I’m afraid.
57 min: A quiet moment, during which I’ve realised that Dunne to Mutch, Mutch to Yun is a possible QPR passing combination.
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55 min: Hoilett has at least looked like he might make something happen for QPR. Here he is again, cutting in from the right and drilling a shot a yard or two wide of Howard’s goal.
GOAL! Everton 3-0 QPR (Naismith 53)
This is getting ugly for QPR. Green miscues a clearance, Mirallas finds McGeady on the right and with QPR out of position he stands the ball up to the back post where Naismith is all alone. He powers the header home across goal. Head-in-hands stuff from Rangers.
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52 min: … a low bobbling mis-hit of a corner drops loose to Dunne, who has space to take a touch and thwack a skewed effort over the bar.
51 min: Besic has to make an important pressure as Hoilett swings in a dangerous cross. QPR corner …
50 min: Mutch asks Hoilett to do far too much, ahe, down the left. That was sloppy.
49 min: Coleman skitters forward and looks to find McGeady but the pass is too heavy.
47 min: A bizarre header from Lukaku puts his defence briefly under pressure, but Everton are quickly away on the break. Mirallas screams past Dunne and takes a tumble, but Swarbrick is unconvinced and replays suggest it would’ve been a bit soft.
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Peep! Off we go again. No changes for either side at half-time.
64 - Everton's record when leading by 2+ goals at half-time in the Premier League: W64 D6 L0. Safe.
— OptaJoe (@OptaJoe) December 15, 2014
@John_Ashdown if this a Crunchie its just become a Fruit and Nut after that goal or maybe even a Wispa!
— John McEnerney (@MackerOnTheMed) December 15, 2014
Yep, I’ll go along with that. For the avoidance of doubt, here’s the (abridged) official chocolate bar hierarchy:
Snickers
Toffee Crisp
Fruit and nut
Wispa
Crunchie
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
Flake
Peep! Peeeep!! And they’ve got it without further damage.
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45 min: QPR are wobbling now. McGeady, after something that looked suspiciously like handball, curls a shot just wide of Green’s right-hand post. Rangers need the half-time whistle.
GOAL! Everton 2-0 QPR (Mirallas 43)
How has this gone in? Ah, this is how. Mirallas smites the free-kick straight at the wall, but it pings into Vargas’s bonce and flies across goal leaving poor old Robert Green utterly stranded.
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42 min: Barton and Naismith tangle, with the former rather naughtily leading with his elbow. Swarbrick spots it. Free-kick to Everton …
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40 min: Besic trips Onuoha but from the free-kick somone in black and red is caught offside.
39 min: Fer pinches the ball from a risk-running Mirallas and again Jagielka tides up the danger. The scoreline is a little harsh on the visitors – they’ve more than matches their hosts.
37 min: Besic is putting himself about with tremendous gusto. The home crowd love it as you’d expect – who doesn’t love a tough-tackling all-action midfielder in your team’s colours? – but he looks a walking booking to me.
35 min: The Goodison PA system and Operation Goodison Exercise is clearly some variant of Hal from 2001. “I want to play Ross Barkley in defensive midfield.” “I’m sorry Roberto, I’m afraid I can’t do that …”
WHAT A GOAL! Everton 1-0 QPR (Barkley 33)
This is an incredible strike. Quite breathtaking. Ross Barkley picks the ball up in his deep-lying role on halfway and puts his foot down. QPR can’t get close to him and a little shimmy opens up the space 25 yards out – his shot is a ferocious effort that crashes into Green’s top corner, via the slightest of deflections off the back of a duck-and-covering defender. Stunning.
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32 min: “ALL CLEAR OPERATION GOODISON EXERCISE!” booms the PA, a certain amount of satisfaction in its voice.
31 min: The resultant free-kick sparks panic in the Everton defence and it takes a fine sliding block from Jagielka to deny Vargas, though the players then realise the flag was up anyway.
30 min: Barton crashes to the turf after leaping for a challenge with Naismith, who ducked underneath. He landed flat on his back in a painful powerbomb-like position.
29 min: Vargas goes flying over a Besic challenge. Besic, shall we say, likes a tackle. And Vargas seems to quite happy going to ground. It’s made for a crowd-bothering battle thus far.
27 min: “Commence Operation Goodison Exercise,” booms the PA. This is all slightly disconcerting.
26 min: “Stand by for Operation Goodison Exercise,” booms the PA. Perhaps that’s the signal for the home side to step up a gear, because that’s what has happened. Naismith sees his shot blocked, then Mirallas spanks a shot over the bar.
25 min: “Lose weight, Dunne!” chirps our card in the stands.
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24 min: … controversy averted, though, as Mutch floats the ball straight to Howard.
23 min: Vargas surges into the box and wins his team a corner (though it should’ve been a goal-kick) …
22 min: Barkley steps away from Fer in midfield and feeds Naismith. His shot is well struck but straight at Green.
20 min: Everton are still pretty disjointed here, the pair of Barkley and Besic at the base of the midfield not really getting to grips with QPR’s attacking midfielders.
19 min: Hoilett cuts inside from the left and zaps a shot at goal. It’s a) incredibly optimistic, b) a bit of a waste as he had team-mates in support and c) straight into Tim Howard’s breadbasket.
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17 min: Isla gets himself in a tangle under Besic’s misdirected ball forward. An Everton corner … which is taken short and swung into Green’s hands by Mirallas.
16 min: … swung in by Barton and hammered over the bar by Hoillett.
15 min: Besic lunges in on Vargas and concedes a free-kick. “Gerrup!” shouts someone in the stands, who seems to have grabbed one of Sky’s pitchside microphones. This is in a half-decent position …
14 min: “Re: 7 min. I knew I’d read this before,” notes Jason. Yup, I need some new material.
13 min: Everton’s best moment so far. Naismith rumbles down the left and drills a cross low towards Lukaku, who can’t quite stretch his big toe out far enough.
12 min: Mutch flicks on looking for the run of Yun, but it’s just too far in front of the full-back.
11 min: The physio treats Hoilett and the mystical healing properties of the magic sponge do the trick.
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10 min: Hoillett catches Coleman napping and it needs Jagielka to come in and clean up the mess. The result of the clean up is a nasty knock on the foot for the QPR man.
9 min: Everton haven’t got going in these opening exchanges. QPR much the more dangerous side.
8 min: Dunne flicks Vargas’s driven set-piece on and it pings off an Everton leg. That’s a corner, which drops eventually out to Phillips. His effort on the half-volley drifts harmlessly over.
7 min: Space for Yun on the right … and he wins a free-kick softer than Mr Soft’s soft underbelly.
6 min: “Is Goodison completely dead tonight or is the audio mix on Sky just off a bit?” wonders Euan Dewar. “It sounds damn near silent on the TV.” It’s perhaps a tad quiet, but it’s early days.
5 min: Barton cuts across Coleman as he drives towards the box … but referee Neil Swarbrick isn’t interested.
4 min: “Don’t panic Mr Mainwaring!” shouts someone in the stands. No, I’ve no idea either.
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3 min: Vargas finds half a yard of space after Hoilett’s surging run and a decent block from Baines is needed to prevent his fizzing shot troubling Howard.
2 min: The Guardian sport Twitter account has just posted a link that makes it sound like I’m doing this MBM while dressed in a fluffy Santa hat and eating chips.
Everton v QPR is about to get started. Join @John_Ashdown for live coverage! http://t.co/QJD6zeI5hD (Photo: Getty) pic.twitter.com/41cSk9NEgX
— Guardian sport (@guardian_sport) December 15, 2014
I’m not. (Though I would quite like to be).
1 min: The first incident, though I use that word advisedly, is Richard Dunne thumping the ball straight out of play for an Everton goal-kick. Let’s hope that hasn’t set the tone.
Peep! Off we go then. QPR get us under way.
Click-clack, click-clack … the teams emerge from the tunnel.
As Jamie Carragher and Gary Neville chat through the teams, the strains of Merry Christmas Everyone can be heard at Goodison. Wonder if the QPR squad are singing along?
They’re certainly getting in the festive spirit up at Goodison Park.
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The teams
Everton: Howard; Coleman, Jagielka, Distin, Baines; Besic, Barkley; McGeady, Naismith, Mirallas; Lukaku. Subs: Robles, Eto’o, Kone, Pienaar, Stones, Garbutt, Alcaraz.
QPR: Green; Isla, Onuoha, Dunne, Yun; Phillips, Mutch, Barton, Fer, Hoilett; Vargas. Subs: Ferdinand, Hill, Wright-Phillips, McCarthy, Kranjcar, Henry, Zamora.
Referee: Neil Swarbrick (Lancashire)
So John Stones is fit to return to the Everton bench after his lengthy lay-off.
It’ll be interesting to see how QPR set up. Presumably Vargas will be through the middle on his own, with Hoillett, Fer and Phillips providing support. It strikes me as an attacking line-up, although generally ‘Arry Redknapp’s side have been better when playing two up front this season.
Preamble
Evening all. OK. Average. So-so. Bog-standard. Uninspired. All right. Not bad. But not that good either. Some things are just a bit mediocre – neither good enough to get excited about nor bad enough to draw complaints. Like Crunchies.
I don’t mind a Crunchie. They’re OK, as honeycomb-based chocolate confection goes. If you were to hand me a Crunchie right now, I’d be just fine with that. Not too excited, mind. Just fine. Happy enough. Without being too happy.
Or Dawn of the Planet of the Apes.
I didn’t mind Dawn of the Planet of the Apes. It was OK, as ape-based vaguely dystopian cinema goes. It got a bit shouty and bang-bang in the second half, but I’d watch it again. Yeah, fine. Sure.
Or ironing.
Ironing’s OK. I don’t mind ironing. No one’s ever going to be excited about ironing, but the prospect of ironing a shirt doesn’t fill me with dread. It’s OK, as garment-flattening-based household chores go. I’d take it over cleaning the windows, but I’d rather be washing the pots.
And so (at last) to Everton. They’ve been OK this season. Not too bad. Not too good. Just all right. Fair-to-middling. A bit meh, really. They’ve been decent enough, they’ve got a raft of players who apparently feature on the January shopping lists of the league’e big beasts … but somehow they find themselves wedged between Villa and West Brom in a dull-but-hardly-crisis-inducing 13th. You’d describe Roberto Martínez’s side as basically this season’s ironing-board wielding, Crunchie-munching future-apes of the Premier League, if that did anything but prove that by putting three average things together all you do is get something that sounds ridiculously exciting.
It all started so well. They began the season as the Premier League’s entertainers – their first nine matches produced a whopping 36 goals. But they come into this game having won only one of their last six in the Premier League, and while they’ve tightened up a touch defensively, they’ve mustered only five goals themselves in that run.
The prize at stake tonight is the chance for Everton to leapfrog Liverpool in the Premier League’s mid-table morass. And they couldn’t have hand-picked more accommodating opponents than QPR. Rangers have been hopeless away from home – seven matches, seven defeats, goals scored two, goals against 17. And, if you need more, they’ve followed up every league win this season with a defeat. And Charlie Austin is suspended.
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