FULL TIME: Everton 2-1 Dynamo Kyiv
And that’s your lot. Kyiv were the best side for the first 30 minutes, after which Everton were almost always on top. Roberto Martinez’s side were excellent in the second half, and thoroughly deserved their late winner. They’ll take a lead to Ukraine, and are one draw away from the quarter final of the Europa League! A 1984-style cup success, in the face of league struggles, is still very much on the cards!
90 min +2: Kone zips down the left. He holds the ball up on the left-hand corner of the area, then so nearly finds Osman with a clever little dink. But Kyiv, who have sat back for the entire second half, mop up yet another attack.
90 min +1: There will be three added minutes. The first passes without incident.
90 min: Mbokani is booked, correctly, for clumsily, perhaps deliberately, crumping his shoulder into McCarthy’s boat as the pair challenge for a high ball in the centre circle.
89 min: Coleman makes good down the right, and nearly finds the head of Kone with his cross. A Kyiv eyebrow does enough. Everton are going hell for leather for this third goal.
87 min: Lukaku makes ground down the right, all power and purpose. He whips a curler into the area. Osman flicks it on, and nearly guides the ball into the bottom left. But it’s inches wide. “I saw what you did there,” writes Marie Meyer. “Speaking as an American Woman, I want to say It Ain’t Over Till It’s Over.” To think this report started with references to Erik Satie and Pascal Rogé. And now this, via Ronnie Hazlehurst. I’ve let this spiral out of control somewhat.
84 min: Veloso is replaced by Chumak. Lukaku, incidentally, is now Everton’s all-time leading scorer in European competition. Seven goals. Fred Pickering held the previous record with six.
GOAL! Everton 2-1 Dynamo Kyiv (Lukaku 82 pen)
Lukaku scuffs it down the middle. Shovkovskiy’s dived to the left, but gets a boot to it. The ball still makes it in. Wow, that was close. But who will care? It might not have been much of a penalty, but it’s in. A goal’s a goal’s a goal, and in any case, Everton deserve their lead!
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81 min: PENALTY TO EVERTON! Barry in a little space down the left. A superlative fizzer straight through the area. Kone isn’t far away from connecting. But not quite. But never mind! Because after a period of faffing down the right flank, Osman chases a ball down the channel. In the area, he lifts a cross inside, and it’s met by the arm of Silva, sliding next to him. That’s a penalty kick!
80 min: All a bit scrappy. “Or will Kyiv’s hopes Fly Away?” trills Matt Dony. Don’t blame him, it’s entirely my fault, I started this.
78 min: Sydorchuk wins a 50-50 in the centre circle with Naismith, and goes romping forward. He eventually slips the ball to the left for Kravets, who looks for the curler into the bottom right. He doesn’t quite wrap his foot around the ball, and it rolls harmlessly enough into Howard’s arms.
76 min: And now Gusev, the Kyiv goalscorer, is replaced by Kravets. Is this match gonna go Kyiv’s way?
74 min: Barkley is replaced by Osman.
72 min: Lukaku wheechs a shot towards the bottom left from the edge of the box. Shovkovskiy is behind it. Then another phase, with Lukaku and Naismith exchanging rat-a-tat passes down the inside-left channel and into the area. They can’t get a shot away. Kyiv rocking a little again, though.
71 min: It’s still pelting down. Mbokani is receiving a little bit of treatment. Nothing serious. He’s up again pretty quickly. Kyiv looking to run down the clock a little, perhaps. They’ll be happy enough with this scoreline.
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69 min: Gusev is sent scampering into acres down the left. He checks near the area and feeds Garmash, just inside. Garmash skedaddles across the face of the box, before laying off to Yarmolenko, who crosses back the other way, before, standing to the left of the D, launching a rising shot goalwards. It’s not far away, but not good enough either. It flies over the bar, and Everton breathe again. But Kyiv are coming back into this a little bit.
68 min: A change for Kyiv: Garmash comes on for Buyalskly.
67 min: Silva, in his own box, slices the ball 100 miles into the air. From the resulting confusion, McCarthy scoops the ball from the right to Kone, who heads weakly at the keeper. Everton are soon coming back at Kyiv, Lukaku sliding down the inside-right channel and slipping a pass inside to Naismith, on the left corner of the D. Naismith cushions the ball to Barry, who is free on the penalty spot! But his attempt to sidefoot into the bottom left is all wrong. What a chance!
64 min: Free kick for Everton deep down the left. Garbutt, whose dead-ball delivery has on the whole been superlative tonight, loops at pace into the box, and Kone nearly makes the perfect start. But he can’t quite get his head to the ball, rising on the penalty spot. Kyiv clear.
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63 min: Everton make a change. Kone comes on for Mirallas, who has been excellent. Big shoes to fill.
61 min: But they’ll do well to get not too carried away, for while their opponents have been quiet since the restart, they still carry a threat. Kyiv win a free kick near the corner flag down the right. Yarmolenko whips it in. It’s half cleared, then battered goalwards by Buyalskiy, 25 yards out down the left. The ball slaps Jagielka straight in the mush, and flies upwards. When it drops, Mbokani attempts to guide a header into the top left from ten yards, but it flies over the bar.
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59 min: Mirallas, out on the right, rolls a sliderule pass inside, cutting five white shirts out of the game at a stroke. Barkley has room to advance on the area, and take a shot, but he hesitates a little and his effort is blocked. He regroups, and scoops a cross in from the left. Coleman meets with a header, to the right of the D. It’s going into the top-left corner, but it’s deflected away at the last. Lukaku attempts to keep the move going, retrieving a ball on the left wing, but that’s that. Goodison is beginning to rock now, as Everton pile on the pressure.
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58 min: A little bit of Evertonian Total Football, as Jagielka goes on a romp down the left wing. The move comes to nothing, but it does illustrate Everton’s ambition.
56 min: On the touchline, Roberto Martinez is effin’ and jeffin’. He doesn’t look happy at all. But his team are well on top just now. I suppose he knows that Everton really need to trouble the scoreboard while they’re on top.
54 min: ... Everton should score, but don’t. Mirallas whips it in from the left. The ball flies towards Naismith, level with the right-hand post, six yards out. But he can’t get anything on it, and neither can Lukaku, right next to him. Shovkovskiy snaffles gratefully.
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53 min: Mirallas purchases, for £0.00, the cheapest of free kicks down the right. He was going nowhere, but Antunes stuck out a leg, and Mirallas wasn’t going to say no. A free kick, just to the right of the box. Everton load the area. Garbutt shows more dead-ball smarts by whipping a curler towards the top left. A head on that, and it’s a goal. And it’s a goal if Shovkovskiy doesn’t parry clear, as it’s heading in. The keeper does his job, but that’ll be a corner. From which ...
52 min: Kyiv are a shadow of the team strutting around Goodison during the first half hour. They can’t keep the ball for any length of time at all.
50 min: More hesitation from Shovkovskiy, as he fails to deal with a simple ball coming into his area from the Everton right. A white shirt is forced to step in and concede a corner. Garbutt takes the set piece, whipping it straight through the six-yard area and out to the left of goal. Naismith was very close to nudging that goalwards. Everton have started this half strongly.
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48 min: Everton finally string a few passes together. McCarthy attempts to slide the ball through the centre to release Naismith, but Antunes once again sticks a telescopic leg out, saving the day at the last. Then Alcaraz, the best part of 30 yards out down the inside-right channel, fizzes one towards the bottom left. Shovkovskiy just about gathers. The old man’s having a few senior moments this evening.
46 min: A right load of scrappy nonsense at the start of the half. Kyiv on the attack down the right, but never in control of the ball. Everton have a couple of chances to clear but can’t manage that either. It’s like PlayStation football, only the controllers are on the blink. Reset.
And we’re off again! Kyiv get the ball rolling. Now it’s Everton’s turn to be haring towards the Gwladys Street end. It’s still teeming down. “Both Alcaraz and Lovren are worthy nominees for the Titus Bramble Award for Services to Central Defending, but when the envelope was opened, it was Chris Smalling’s name in there. Failure to build on such fantastic early promise clinched it for him. Robert Huth looked gracious in defeat. The crowd applauded politely.” A whimsical flight of fancy courtesy of Matt Dony there, albeit not one a million miles away from terra firma.
HALF-TIME ENTERTAINMENT: “Pascal Roge? Isn’t he the French Ronnie Hazelhurst?” asks Simon McMahon, who knows which buttons to press. Yes, Simon, in the sense that he’s a musical genius, but you know this already. Funnily enough, I was watching an episode of Three Up, Two Down the other day. They’re re-running the series on BBC2 in the afternoon, during the channel’s retro segment. (Don’t judge me, this is what freelance journalists do.) Daphne was worried that wannabe taxidermist Sam was going to take delivery of a dead elephant, supplied to him by world-weary zookeeper Wilf. They share a small flat, you see. But that didn’t happen, it was all a misunderstanding. Anyway, the theme tune is late-era Hazelhurst, perhaps past the great man’s Are You Being Served? / Yes Minister prime, but a cracker nonetheless. They don’t write ‘em like this any more. The BBC needs to sort itself out.
HALF TIME: Everton 1-1 Dynamo Kyiv
And that’s that for the first half. A miserable performance in miserable weather by Everton, for the first 30-odd minutes, anyway. But they ended the half very much in the ascendency, a fact that should give them succour for the second half. It should be a cracker! No flipping.
44 min: Another shocker for Shovkovskiy, as he comes out to meet a ball only to be stripped of possession by Mirallas, who rounds him on the right. Mirallas is left with too tight an angle for a shot, so attempts a pull-back instead. Lukaku is there, his leg cocked, waiting to shoot, ten yards out, the keeper nowhere. But Antunes sticks out a leg, brilliantly so, to intercept and clear.
41 min: Kyiv push Everton back a bit. A decent enough response to conceding the equaliser. Yarmolenko busies himself down the right, yet again, though his cross isn’t up to much this time. “I didn’t think it was possible but Alcaraz is giving Dejan Lovren a run for his money in the category of Worst Defensive Performance In One Half In The Month Of March,” opines J.R. in Illinois.
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GOAL! Everton 1-1 Dynamo Kyiv (Naismith 39)
Oh they’ve turned up all right! Lukaku battles down the left, holding off three white shirts. Kyiv are backing off in panic. Naismith pelts down the wing on the overlap, and is fed the ball by Lukaku’s flick. He’s clear in the area, and draws Shovkovskiy, chipping the ball into the right-hand side of the goal. Everton are right back in it!
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37 min: But this is much better! McCarthy is upended by Silva, to the right of the Kyiv D. Lukaku takes the free kick. Shovkovskiy fingertips it away from the top right, off the bar and out for a corner. Garbutt’s delivery from the right, deep to the far post, is met by Jagielka, on the left-hand corner of the six-yard box. His header’s going into the top right, but Silva heads away! Alcaraz belts goalwards, but his shot is deflected out for a second corner. That one comes to nothing, but Everton have finally turned up!
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35 min: More barking, as Alcaraz plays a blind backpass down the Kyiv inside-left channel. Buyalskiy is this close to latching onto it. He’d have been one on one with Howard, who hacks clear with relief. Actually there’s not just barking, there are howls of derision too. Canine irritation. Goodison is not a happy place.
33 min: High farce! Kyiv are on the attack. Sydorchuk belts a pearler from 30 yards towards the bottom left. Howard turns it round the post for a corner. Everton hoof upfield from the set piece. The keeper Shovkovskiy comes to meet the ball, 40 yards from his goal, one for every year. And miskicks! Lukaku takes up possession, turns, and skelps the ball towards the unguarded net! On target, and it’s 1-1. But he slices his effort well wide left of the target. That’s not very good at all. Goodison barks in disapproval.
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30 min: Yarmolenko makes more bother down the right. His cross into the Everton area is met by Mbokani on the penalty spot. But fortunately for the home side, the striker can’t connect properly, and the ball screws away from danger. Lou Roper again: “Actually as a Liverpool supporter I am glad to see Alcaraz run out to Z Cars (of whatever variation).”
29 min: ... nothing. It’s hit straight out of play. Everton really do need to raise their game.
28 min: A lovely scouse rasp of “fucking shite” is caught in crisp, clear, surround sound by the ITV microphone. Everton, perhaps shocked into action, launch their most effective move of the evening so far. And it’s fairly basic, not a Martinezesque effort at all. Barry batters a long ball down the left. Lukaku overpowers Antunes down the left, and he’s striding into space. He reaches the byline. His pullback is fairly aimless, but panics Veloso enough for him to concede a corner. From which ...
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26 min: A rare period of Everton possession in the Kyiv half. Mirallas, McCarthy, Barkley and Garbutt are all involved as the ball’s shuttled this way and that. But they’re going nowhere, 35 yards out, and patience eventually snaps. McCarthy lumps a ball in from the left, and it’s easily battered clear by Veloso.
25 min: Alcaraz fires a sloppy pass to Coleman on the right. The ball ends up in the stand. You could blame the conditions. Lou Roper (18 min) wouldn’t blame the conditions.
22 min: It’s pelting down at Goodison. Veloso has a whack from the edge of the D, McCarthy blocking. The ball squirts to the right for Sydorchuk, whose effort from 30 yards is wild and high. Everton can’t get into this game at all.
18 min: Yarmolenko is causing all sorts of bother down the Kyiv right. He cuts inside this time, from a deep position, and hoicks a long diagonal ball towards Mbokani in the middle. It’s overcooked and Howard can come out to claim. “Roberto Martinez is a nice guy and, maybe, a decent manager but why does he insist on finding employment for the wretched Alcaraz?” wonders Lou Roper. “Is there a worse centre-back in Britain? In Europe?”
16 min: Mirallas, often short of fuse, drags Antunes to the ground, needlessly, in the middle of the park. He goes in the book. Everton need to clear their heads. Conceding an away goal is never ideal, but there’s an awful lot of this tie to go.
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GOAL! Everton 0-1 Dynamo Kyiv (Gusev 14)
Yarmolenko creams a cross through the six-yard box from the right. Howard can’t touch it, because he could prod it home under the bar. Gusev gathers on the left, and scoops a ball back into the box. Alcaraz’s clearing header is uncertain, and the ball flies out of play to the right of goal. Corner, and a goal, as the ball’s fired towards Gusev on the right-hand corner of the six-yard box. Gusev flicks his boot and whips the ball past Howard at the near post. If Goodison wasn’t quiet before, it is now.
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12 min: Goodison’s a fairly quiet place. The heavy rain, coming down in diagonal rods, dampening the spirits. Nothing much going on right now.
9 min: Gusev lifts a cross into the Everton box from the left. Alcaraz is asleep, and Mbokani, rushing in, is very close to running the ball home from six yards. He can’t quite connect, though. Then Kyiv attack down the right, and Yarmolenko would have been free in acres had Sydorchuk’s pass down the channel been played in time. The flag goes up for offside, and Howard gives his defenders a royal bollocking.
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7 min: But Everton don’t have to wait long for their first corner. Coleman wins it down the right, but it’s an exercise in futility, for the resulting set piece fails to clear the first man.
6 min: Barkley is busy down the left now, and his incessant probing wins a corner. Or is it? Nope, just a throw. There goes that chance to load the box! But Everton’s young star appears to be in a determined mood this evening.
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5 min: Everton knock it around the back a bit to settle themselves down. A probe down the right, McCarthy and Naismith combining. That comes to nothing. Then another phase of light attack, Barkley cutting across the front of the Kyiv area from the left to the right, but he’s never really in control of the ball, and that peters out too.
3 min: Buyalskiy tries to turn on the burners down the left, but the move sputters out. But Kyiv are soon coming back at Everton, and Antunes whips a violent low cross into the area from the same wing. It needs dealing with, a couple of white shirts lurking, and Howard punches clear. Naismith hoicks the ball up the Everton left, and the danger’s gone. That had the denizens of Goodison sucking air through their teeth.
And we’re off! The rain is tipping down. Everton get the ball rolling. Kyiv are kicking towards the Gwladys Road end in this first half. The big screen, there, in the corner, where the advert for FERGUSON televisions used to be.
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Strange scenes on ITV. Mark Pougatch is attempting to whip up some pre-match atmosphere in the studio, with help from panelists Peter Reid and Leighton Baines. Problem is, in the background, in another room, echoing along a corridor deep inside Goodison Park, someone’s playing a minimalist version of the Theme From Z Cars in the style of Erik Satie’s Gymnopédie No1. It’s very eerie. Pascal Rogé’s not an Evertonian, is he?
Team news: Everton have made three changes to the team that lost 2-0 at Stoke City last week. Ross Barkley, Kevin Mirallas and Antolin Alcaraz replace Darron Gibson, cup-tied Aaron Lennon and an ill John Stones. Star man for Kyiv, coached by former Spurs striker Serhiy Rebrov, might well be defender Aleksandar Dragovic, who has been attracting loving glances from Arsenal and Manchester United, if the good people of the press are to be trusted, which fair’s fair, they might not be. Everton will be playing in their storied blue, Kyiv in their famous white.
Dramatis personæ
Everton: Howard, Coleman, Alcaraz, Jagielka, Garbutt, McCarthy, Barkley, Barry, Naismith, Lukaku, Mirallas.
Subs: Robles, Gibson, Kone, Besic, Atsu, Osman, Browning.
Dynamo Kyiv: Shovkovskiy, Vida, Dragovic, Danilo Silva, Antunes, Veloso, Sydorchuk, Gusev, Buyalsky, Yarmolenko, Mbokani.
Subs: Rybka, Garmash, Kravets, Yevhen Chumak, Khacheridi, Kalitvintsev, Teodorczyk.
Referee: Carlos Velasco Carballo (Spain)
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Style guide: As you can see, it says Kiev in big letters up top. But that’s an automated feed and so we’re furiously washing our hands of that one. We’re using Kyiv, which is the Ukrainian spelling, rather than the former Russian one. Of course in Cyrillic it’s Київ, but give a po’ MBM hack a break, huh.
Preambulatory business
Howard Kendall was nearly bundled out of the Goodison Park doors on a couple of occasions during the 1983/84 season. His Everton side started their league campaign sluggishly, and in early November were struggling in 17th place. They’d just lost three of their last four, a run which culminated in a 3-0 defeat at Anfield. And then in the Milk Cup, they found themselves a goal down at home to Coventry City. Kendall was in all sorts of bother. But on came substitute Peter Reid, whose drive turned the game around. Everton won 2-1, Kendall kept his job, Colin Harvey arrived as coach, and Andy Gray was signed from Wolves. Cue the Everton success story of the mid 198...
... ah, hold on, not quite yet. Everton were still scrabbling around near the foot of the table in mid January, down to 18th place in fact. This wasn’t quite as disastrous as it sounds. They were still two places off relegation, the old First Division consisting of 22 teams, and the Toffees had nine points on 20th-placed Notts County. But it was bad enough, especially with Liverpool top of the table and en route to the first championship hat-trick since Arsenal in the 1930s. And then Everton found themselves on the verge of being knocked out of the Milk Cup at Oxford United, trailing with nine minutes left. Then Kevin Brock played that back-pass, Adrian Heath scrambled an equaliser, Everton won the replay 4-1, reached the final of the competition, and, spirits buoyed, went one further in the FA Cup. A first trophy in 14 years. Cue the Everton success story of the mid 1980s!
OK, so, that season’s not directly analogous with this one. But it’s close enough to be worthy of a mention. Back then, the Toffees never could quite get it going in the league, and flirted with the lower reaches without ever quite getting embroiled in a relegation battle. The manager was under pressure, his abilities questioned in some quarters. Then cup football saved everyone’s bacon.
And now? Everton are flailing around in the league yet again, not quite in serious trouble yet, but it’s enough of a concern nevertheless. Roberto Martinez might not be close to the sack, but sections of the support have been asking questions. However, here comes a cup run! And Everton have looked the part in Europe all season. Imagine how the whole picture could change for Martinez and Everton with a storming run in Europe. Imagine how the picture could change if they won the Europa League.
And why not? As things stand, they’re the one and only English team who aren’t either out, or in serious danger of being knocked out, of Europe. And while Dynamo Kyiv might be the runaway leaders of the Ukrainian league, they would have picked a different assignment given the choice. That’s because they’ve only won four of 22 matches against English opposition, and none of those away from home. And the last time they were on Merseyside, they lost 1-0 to a Jari Litmanen inspired Liverpool. So can Martinez and Everton summon some more of that Kendallian 1984 Cup Spirit? They’ll have every hope of doing so. It’s on!
Kick off: 8.05pm on Merseyside, 10.05pm in Kyiv.
