So the nation has spoken, and the UK will be taking Lucie Jones to Kiev in May. I’ll be there too, providing some vodka-soaked postcards from Ukraine for Stuart Heritage’s Eurovision liveblog, so put Saturday 13th May in your diary. Thank you all for joining in this evening, and for all your brilliant comments; you can find me on Twitter @heidistephens if you want to say hello, otherwise I’ll see you on May 13th! Cheers, Hx
Verdict from the daughter: “She has a great voice, so we won’t look like twats. That’s the main thing”.
Wise words. And there’s still time for a banging remix.
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Time for Lucie to sing her song again. Get used to it, Radio 2 listeners. Am very much hoping it’s a grower.
Right, time to crown a winner! And it’s…LUCIE JONES! Well, she was the only one that delivered a belting vocal, so probably deserved to win. Nice work Lucie.
A few boos from the crowd there, which isn’t very sporting.
Well that was outstanding. Truly one of the best moments of Eurovision ever.
It’s time for a reprise of Mans and Petra’s Love Love Peace Peace from Stockholm last year, which was the best interval act EVER. I’ve watched this so many times, it’s amazing.
Currently considering a dystopian hell where they make CeCe Sammy the new judge of Strictly.
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Turns out you can fill time with a history of why Australia are in Eurovision. They’ve joined the EBU, how long before the USA does the same?
Time for another recap! Dear lord, this is being stretched out longer than Trump’s combover.
How on earth are they going to fill the next twenty minutes?
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Right, it’s time for The Vamps, who are a popular musical combo for young people.
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Time for half an hour of filler. Feel free to get more wine.
Ah Loreen. Genuinely one of the best moments of my life was dancing to Euphoria in the Euroclub in Stockholm last year. SUCH a great song.
All this “best of Eurovision” is doing is highlighting how feeble our potential entrants are. This is a very bad idea, BBC.
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So what do we think of that selection? Mostly I’m disappointed that they were all a bit dull and safe, and liable to sink like a row of vodka shots in Kiev. Also a band might have been nice. Or even a duet. Something with harmony, and two people to look at.
I accept that the UK’s songwriters are probably reluctant to hand over their best stuff for a show where the UK is going to be about as popular as a poo in a paddling pool, but still. Wasn’t there anything on the shortlist that was a little bit edgy or memorable? Not even a novelty one-man-band in Union Jack pants singing a song that rhymes ‘Remain’ with ‘Ukraine’?
The voting is open! I’m going for Salena’s entreaty to put down our weapons. It’s an anthem for our times, and she has plenty of time to practice the singing bit.
Bruno thought Salena did very well with the simultaneous singing and dancing thing. CECE THOUGHT IT CONNECTED WITH THE AUDIENCE, and Sophie thought it was a crowdpleaser, because the crowd are currently going mad. I’m not sure whether that was for Salena, or because the singing is now over.
So this is a double slice of moralising Euro-cheese about how we should put down our weapons and stop fighting. The chorus is a proper poppers o’ clock dance banger in a sea of tedious ballads, so it’s getting my vote even though the vocal is a bit shaky.
Incidentally, this is the song that (on Kit’s paper at least) gives us the best chance of not coming last, so we should probably vote for that.
And FINALLY it’s Salena Mastroianni singing ‘I Don’t Wanna Fight’, which might get us two points from Russia for wishful thinking, and a bonus point from Italy because Salena’s name suggests she might be able to pinpoint Naples on a map.
CECE IMAGINED HERSELF SITTING AT THE FINAL OF EUROVISION. Sophie looks like she’s lost of the will to live, and compares this to Conchita’s Rise Like a Phoenix (NO SOPHIE). Bruno felt like Nate sang it just for him, and Nate isn’t sure whether that’s a compliment or not.
Alas ‘what are we made of’ is not an ode to the human body that includes clunky rhyming of oxygen and hydrogen; instead it’s a noodly piano number with a feeble chorus and more key changes than your local Timpson’s. It’s also at the bottom of Kit’s likelihood of winning Eurovision list, which means it’s almost certainly our entrant for this year. Yay.
It’s Nate Simpson singing ‘What Are We Made Of’. His favourite lyric is “what are we made of”.
Sophie thought Olivia did really well, but she’s not sure her granny would have liked the song. Bruno thought Olivia had some Gwen Stefani attitude, and no doubt Olivia is currently wondering who the hell Gwen Stefani is. CECE IS SO PROUD OF OLIVIA BECAUSE SHE IS A TINY TINY GIRL WITH A HUGE VOICE. Not as huge as yours, Cece.
Not sure about the Bacofoil playsuit, but OK.
Olivia is only 16, so probably should singing a pop-tastic ode to Snapchat or something, but instead she’s singing “years passing by/we still have a life/we just didn’t choose” like she’s a veteran of two bad marriages, kids who never call and a rejected planning application.
We’re half way there! Next up it’s Olivia Garcia singing ‘Freedom Hearts’. She loves every part of music, which is nice.
Sophie thought it was powerful, and Bruno thought it was captivating.
WHY IS CECE SHOUTING? DOES SHE NOT KNOW SHE HAS A MICROPHONE? STOP SHOUTING CECE.
This was written by Emmelie De Forest, who won Eurovision for Denmark in 2013. Lucie has a great voice, but this lovelorn ballad really needs to go off into a massive dress-ripping banger, but alas never does.
She desperately tries to give it CPR in the middle eight, but it’s too late. Give up on it, Lucie. It’s gone.
Next up it’s Lucie Jones singing ‘Never Give Up On You’. She was on The X Factor the same year as Danyl, and was mostly known for being the one that wasn’t Rachel Adedeji or Stacey Solomon. Music is also a huge part of her life. Good to know.
Bruno thought the choregraphy had boy band charm, but he needs to maintain the sharpness as well as he maintained the vocals (so not very well at all then). CeCe shouts a bit, and says he’s amazing. Sophie though it was positive and uplifting. Are they all drunk?
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Goodness, that was a ropey start, and indeed middle. This song couldn’t light up a Casio watch, let alone the world. Move along, nothing to see here.
Next up it’s Danyl Johnson singing ‘Light Up the World’. He was on The X Factor in 2009, which was also the year of Olly Murs, Joe McElderry, Stacey Solomon and Jedward, aka When X Factor Was Good. Feeling a bit nostalgic now. Ooh, also Miss Frank! I loved Miss Frank.
Danyl has loved music since a young age, and music has changed his life. We’re going to have to weather this waffle for every act, it seems.
CeCe Sammy is already super-annoying, and all she’s said is “wow”. Bruno liked that it was presented in an elegant way. Sophie ticked ‘power ballad’ off her list. Power ballad is not on my list.
One down, five to go. Stay with me, people.
Right, let’s get this show on the road. First up it’s Holly Brewer singing ‘Wish I Loved You More’. This is a shameless ripoff of Beyonce’s Halo, with some nice strings and a chorus that makes me want to grab a handful of air, despite a complete absence of diction.
It’s actually a very decent song but there will be 15 others just like it in Kiev, and it’s not going to win us any points for originality. Mostly I wish I loved this more, but I suspect it definitely won’t be the worst song we hear this evening.
Second on the panel is Sophie Ellis-Bextor, who is a goddess and I will not hear a word said against her. And finally it’s Cece Sammy, who is a vocal coach who I have never heard of. Okay then.
So there’s also a jury of music professionals this evening, who will account for half the votes. One of them is Bruno Tonioli, who I’m not used to seeing out of season. Apparently he performed in Eurovision in 1980, wearing hot pink polyester.
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“You never disappoint with that fiddling”, says Mel. I could not love her more.
Ooh, there are also special guests later, including (randomly) The Vamps.
But first it’s a performance from Norway’s winner from 2009, Alexander Rybak. He and I have previous - for those of you that weren’t watching it all unfold in the comment box like some kind of melodramatic Scandi drama, I liveblogged the final in 2009 and made a stupid comment about Rybak that got entirely lost in translation, causing a minor furore. Every time I see him I feel a bit sick. I’m sorry, Alexander. Can we be friends now?
(This song is still rubbish though)
Time to meet our contestants! It’s wall-to-wall X Factor contestants from yesteryear, and they’re all solo artists too – apparently Union J were busy that week. Just think, in five years we’ll have the pick of Honey G, that bloke with the funny hat off The Voice and the guy from Let It Shine who looked a bit like Gary Barlow.
Hooray, it’s Mel off Mel and Sue, live from the Hammersmith Apollo! She’s rocking wet-look sequins.
This year songwriters have submitted their finest work to be this year’s UK Eurovision entry. Hmm.
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Right, is everyone ready? Let’s pick a song for Europe.
So while we’re waiting, this from the brilliant @kitlovelace is a really interesting read. It’s an analysis of what makes a Eurovision winner, and a run-down of which of tonight’s songs we should choose if we want to give ourselves the best chance of not ending up in the eternal swamp at the bottom right hand side of the scoreboard.
Evening all, and welcome to this year’s Eurovision: You Decide liveblog! Following last year’s resounding success in Stockholm from Joe and Jake (24th out of 26), the gods of Eurovision are once again putting our nation’s musical fate in the hands of the British public.
Tonight we get to hear all six shortlisted acts perform live, before casting our vote by phone or online. The outcome won’t make a jot of difference in Kiev, of course – we’re Brexit traitors and most of Europe wouldn’t spit on us if we were on fire. We could put Shirley Bassey accompanied by the ghost of George Michael on that stage and we still wouldn’t make it into the top 20, but since we’ve paid our entry fee and have such a rich seam of X Factor rejects to choose from, it seems a shame not to make a bit of an effort.
The live show kicks off at 7.30pm on BBC2, with all six acts performing their Eurovision song. Then the voting lines open and we’ll know who our chosen act is by 9pm. The splendid Mel Giedroyc is presenting, I’ll be keeping an eye on every ballad and banger up here, and all you need to do is add a sprinkling of wit, wisdom and post-Brexit encouragement in the comment box below.
See you at 7.30!
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