So that’s it! The nation has decided, and we’ll be sending Joe and Jake to Stockholm in May! WOOOOO.
In further exciting news, I will also be in Stockholm for the final, providing on-the-spot roving reporter input to Stu Heritage’s Eurovision liveblog. Could be amazing, might be a shambles the size of Russia, but do put 14th May in your diary nonetheless. In the meantime I might start a crowdfunding campaign so I can buy a Swedish beer while I’m there.
Thank you all for joining in this evening, and for all your brilliant comments; you can find me on Twitter @heidistephens if you want to say hello, otherwise I’ll see you on May 14th! Cheers, Hx
Right, time to pick a winner. Who will it be? Loving Mel’s Star Baker gag.
And our Eurovision entry for 2016 is…Joe & Jake!
Oh.
Well, the nation has chosen, and we must unite around this decision *game face*. We’ve got three months to polish it up, it will be fine.
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Ah, last year’s Eurovision 60th birthday party. What a brilliant show that was, I’m feeling quite nostalgic.
The voting has closed! Time for some filler for a few minutes while they count the votes. Mel is padding valiantly.
Daughter has just asked if Terry is “the original Graham Norton”. It saddens me that a whole generation missed out on Terry making Eurovision amazing.
Time for a Terry Wogan interlude. Relax and enjoy, Eurovision will never see his like again.
Six minutes left to vote, so it must be time for another montage. If any of you are voting for Dulcima, we’re having words.
Seeing Loreen, Conchita and Mans’ leather trousers makes me realise that we aren’t ever going to win Eurovision again, are we? Oh well.
Let’s enjoy Katrina singing Love Shine A Light instead. These were simpler times, this would get about three points these days.
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Time for a filler-montage of recent Eurovision winners. Oh, it’s the fiddle-boy from Norway 2009. Go to your happy place, Heidi, make the bad memories go away.
The voting lines are open! START VOTING!
So who are you voting for? I want Karl, but suspect we’re going to get Bianca (VOTE KARL VOTE KARL). That said, I’m not sure any of them are winning songs, but Karl, Bianca or Jake and Joe could definitely show us what the top half of the leaderboard looks like.
They’re singing ‘You’re Not Alone’, which is perfectly pleasant and nicely upbeat in a Coldplay-lite kind of way. Tepidplay, if you will.
The words go “you’re not alone/we’re in this together/all that you want/I’m right here forever”, which ticks lots of my Eurovision lyrical guff boxes. I suspect this could grow on me.
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And finally, it’s Joe and Jake, two moppet-haired chaps who were on The Voice, apparently, but not together. They are basically the spawn of Journey South.
The judges are excited about Bianca, and Katrina has lost the plot. She loves the lyrics because it’s about shining a light. We shone a light in 1997, and it was the last time we won. I hate power ballads, I’m sorry everyone.
God this goes on for ever. Isn’t there a 3 minute limit?
Bianca is singing ‘Shine A Little Light’, which was co-written by Leona Lewis. The dreadful cod-reggae verse about how she’s been carrying a concrete heart (you want to get a wheelbarrow for that, love), morphs into a much more uplifting chorus. A bit Radio 2 for my liking, but it’s the kind of thing Eurovision loves, and Bianca can definitely sing.
Next up it’s Bianca, who is a posh cellist. She was in another girl band that passed me by, called Parade. I feel so old.
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My son has just wandered in and asked if Katrina is Sharon Osbourne. Ouch.
This is a cracking song (written by Karl, incidentally) that builds into something that could be a banging dance tune, but it badly needs a remix to give it a bit more welly. Definitely my favourite so far.
Next up it’s Karl William Lund singing ‘Miracle’, He is extremely easy on the eye and has a vaguely Scandinavian name that may grab us some sneaky votes. VOTE KARL.
Haven’t quite worked out the point of the panel, other than Carrie bitching about everything and Katrina looking a bit lost and confused.
It’s time for Darline! They are a couple of country chicks who were set up by someone from The Shires. Their song ‘Until Tomorrow’, starts off with a bit of ‘Jolene’ promise and then fizzles out into an empty field of Common Linnets bland, with lyrics like “Hold on to me/like the last leaf on a tree” (which may or may not be as flat as they are).
It’s nice enough, and I suspect the Netherlands might give it a point or two, but my inner Dolly remains un-stirred.
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Matthew’s song ‘A Better Man’ starts off tantalisingly like ABBA’s ‘The Winner Takes It All’, then quickly morphs into something that isn’t in the same hemisphere as ABBA, but soars off in quite a nice direction. They’ve wanged in a bit of rock guitar at the end of the chorus, but still not sure this can win Eurovision...just a bit bland for me.
That said, this is still ten times better than anything we’ve sent in the last 15 years, so it’s all relative.
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Next up it’s Matthew James, who was in a 90s boyband called ‘Bad Boys Inc’ in 1993. They had three top 20 songs, believe it or not. Now he wears a hat.
Carrie loved the number of musicians on stage and it’s a good song, but there look suggests they should be more sinister. God, can you imagine a more sinister version of that?
Jay loved the energy, it was magical. No, no it wasn’t.
The song is a bit of sub-Mumford folksy nonsense which is mostly dreadful, until you get to the middle eight when it goes all drummy and REALLY dreadful.
I’m pretty confident that ‘When You Go’ will never end ‘to Stockholm’, but I’ve never quite been able to fathom why people punish their ears with Mumford, so what do I know.
Don’t worry, everyone - there’s still five to go.
First up it’s it’s Dulcima, who are singing a song called ‘When You Go’. Dulcima is the name of the female singer (posh busker), and she’s performing with Tomas (posh busker #2), who wrote the song but somehow didn’t warrant getting his name in the group title. Feel the burn, Tomas.
Both of them could do with a hairbrush, if you ask me.
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Time to introduce the panel, whose votes count for nothing but it’s a good way of padding this out to 90 minutes. Carrie Grant is looking for an anthemic song and someone who won’t get nervous in front of 200 million people. Katrina (sans Waves) wants confidence and a great song, and Jay the performance expert wants amazing staging.
No light up costumes, for the love of all things glittery.
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Right, that’s enough awkward flirting with Mans, Mel, let’s get on with it.
Oh no wait, first we have to look at a dodgy animation of the Stockholm set. Okaaay then.
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Poor Mans. He must be so fed up of this song.
“Why can’t I sing my new single? It’s been nearly a year.”
“Put the leather trousers on and do the stick man thing, Mans, it’s what the people want. Or a cover of Loreen’s Euphoria.”
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Tonight’s show will include a tribute to Sir Terry Wogan, as well it should. There’s also a performance from Katrina (not sure if she’s accompanied by her Waves). But for now, it’s time for a musical interlude from last year’s winner, Mans Zelmerlow. The gifts just keep coming.
Right, let’s take a look at tonight’s acts. Karl William Lund gets the biggest cheer from the crowd, can’t imagine why *swoons*.
None of the ladies have a beard, which is disappointing.
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And we’re off! Tonight we’re live from the O2 Forum in Kentish Town, in the very capable hands of the lovely Mel Giedroyc. It’s the Great British Ballad Off.
There’s a BBC Eurovision liveblog, apparently. Feel free, I don’t mind. Wait, COME BACK.
I’ve been reading up on some Eurofacts - the BBC killed off A Song For Europe all the way back in 2003, then did seven more years of creaking Lloyd-Webber based talent shows (not all seven years, but it felt like it), before furtively mumbling the UK’s choice on the Red Button like they were trying to bury bad news. Which, to be fair, they usually were. I think we’re all agreed that this format is much better.
Evening all, and welcome to the Eurovision: You Decide liveblog! For the first time in ages, the British public have a say in who we send to the Eurovision Song Contest final on 14th May. Tonight we get to hear all six shortlisted acts perform live, before casting our vote by phone or online. And the best bit for the BBC is that if we end up getting nul points (always possible, the rest of Europe is a bit peeved with us right now), it will totally be the public’s fault, because we picked the song. Good work, BBC.
So let’s think of tonight as a Eurovision Referendum – are we in with a chance, or out of the running? I’ll settle for a decent song sung in tune by someone with a smidgen of charisma, to be honest, but I never was that hard to please.
The live show kicks off at 7.30pm on BBC4, with all six acts performing their Eurovision song. Then the voting lines open and we’ll have our chosen act in the bag by 9pm, which is the kind of no-nonsense efficiency that puts the Great into Great Britain. I’ll be keeping an eye on every bellowy ballad and vote-grabbing gimmick up here, and would be most obliged if you could add your wit, wisdom and random Euro-facts in the comment box below.
Royaume-Uni flags at the ready, and I’ll see you at 7.30!
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