And we leave you with a wrap of the whole night, complete with gorilla suits and gypsy hip-hop.
So that’s IT for another Eurovision, and it’s goodbye from Kiev! Thank you all for joining in and helping me keep it together, and a massive thanks to Alice for being an extra pair of eyes and ears on this crazy night. I know Eurovision isn’t everyone’s cup of tea, but it’s one of my favourite nights of the year - being here in Kiev in your liveblog company has been an absolute joy.
We’re on Twitter @heidistephens and @alice if you’d like to say hi, but right now we’re off to the Euroclub to dance until dawn (not very far away, it’s already nearly 2am). Thanks for joining in, and see you in Lisbon next year!
Salvador has brought his sister onto the sister onto the stage - she wrote the song, and now does it with him as a duet. This is all rather lovely and I’m welling up, but I may just be overtired.
Salvador makes a speech about making proper music over disposable rubbish. I’m not sure the crowd gives two hoots, to be honest. It’s the first time a non-English song has won Eurovision for about ten years, so perhaps a turning point.
Salvador strolls onto the stage to get his trophy from Jamala. He looks quite nonplussed about the whole business - I need wailing and weeping.
Bulgaria came second, which means PORTUGAL are the winners of Eurovision 2017, The press centre has just gone INSANE.
It wasn’t my cup of tea, but it was a beautiful song and frankly I’ll take a week of sunshine and custard tarts in Lisbon.
The Moldovan flappy leg dance came third. This is why Eurovision is brilliant.
So will it be Portugal, Bugaria, Moldova or Belgium for the win? It’s not boring Blanche from Belgium, she got fourth.
We’re going to lose our spot on the left hand side, sadly, but we’ll be right at the top of the right hand side. This is all quite tense.
The public voting bit is properly tense. We got 12 points in total, which is really disappointing.
OK, time for the public votes. All I ask is that we stay on the left hand side of the leader board, so we can head to Lisbon in 2018 with our head held high.
It’s nearly 1.30am here. I’m so tired. Will this ever end?
The UK jury gave their 12 points to Portugal, and ten points to Australia. Whatever.
Still, five points from Czech Republic for the UK!
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Five points from Poland! We’ll return the favour later.
Ten points from Slovenia! Apparently Lucie Jones has just tweeted “Ooooooh Ireland. It burns!!”.
Three points from Hungary! We are hanging on to the left hand side of the leader board by the skin of our teeth.
Five points from the UK for Cyprus! They give their 12 points to Greece, as usual.
Five points from the Netherlands, delivered by a cute man holding a dog. And nul points from Ireland. Disappointing.
TWELVE POINTS FOR THE UK FROM AUSTRALIA. DRINK DRINK DRINK.
Bulgaria just gave Austria 12 points, and the whole press centre just went “WHATT????”
Seven points for the UK from Iceland!
For reasons I can’t fathom, they’ve stopped half way through the jury votes for a Verka interlude. There’s a bottle of Finlandia in the Euroclub with my name on it, so I’d be really happy to CRACK ON.
Half the jury votes are in, and the UK are still on the left side of the leader board. This is good news.
Four points for the UK from Armenia, delivered by a beautiful woman wearing half a dress.
Six points for the UK from Estonia! I loved the Estonian entry, gutted it didn’t make the final.
Portugal are miles ahead at the moment, but remember we still have the public vote to come, and that changed everything last year. Greece have given us a point!
Three points from France! Thanks neighbours.
One point from the Norway jury! Thanks munchkins from Norway.
We didn’t get any points from the Malta jury. Malta ALWAYS give us points. Let’s boycott Malta.
I think we hoped we might do better with the juries than this, but the UK is nothing if not used to disappointment.
Oh hang on, Albania gave us 8 points. Yay!
Latvia gave us four points. Everyone is giving their big points to Portugal, but remember this is just the juries.
San Marino has given us 6 points! I LOVE San Marino, even though I have no idea where San Marino is.
The jury voting has started - two countries in, and nothing for the UK.
I’m pretty sure the Aussie mooner is wishing he hadn’t right now. The security here in is pretty heavy-handed, and that performance would not have gone down well.
OMG, an Aussie streaker just invaded the stage during Jamala’s performance. That’s the second moon we’ve seen this evening.
It’s nearly time for the scoring, which means time to switch up the drinking game. Have a swig of whatever’s left in your cocktail cabinet every time any of the following occur:
- The country spokesperson congratulates Ukraine on an amazing night
- The country spokesperson attempts to speak Ukrainian
- The presenter hurries them along in a passive/aggressive fashion
- The country spokesperson reminds us that they once won Eurovision
- Somebody gives the UK 12 points.
I hope you’ve all got plenty of booze (apart from the last one) - I can’t possibly keep track of this, so you may just want to keep drinking.
Even more unexpectedly, Alice has just discovered a fridge full of Somerset Cider in the Kiev press room, so happy days.
Rather unexpectedly, this folksy Ukranian performance turns into a solid gold techno banger with epic drums, battle horns and stormtrooper outfits. LOVE IT.
This is an excellent opportunity to revisit Love Love Peace Peace from last year. I can’t imagine an interval performance this ever being bettered.
I’m back! I have no idea what treats the interval act might offer up, I haven’t seen any of the rehearsals.
Right now it’s time for a bit of Ruslana - she won Eurovision in 2004 with Wild Dances, an ode to big hair, battle horns and skimpy tattered leather outfits. Between the ethno-pop bangers, hairography, and politics (Ruslana was heavily involved in the 2004 Orange Revolution), she’s basically Ukraine’s answer to Shakira. At the time her 280 points was the biggest ever total, but perhaps the bigger win is the fact that she’s Alice’s favourite ever Eurovision winner.
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I really need the loo, and they’re about five minutes away from the press centre. Please talk amongst yourselves for ten minutes, I’ll be back.
Verka Serduchka is starting the voting. If you’re wondering who this oven-ready Biggins is, Verka is the drag creation of Andriy Mykhailovych Danylko, who is a comedian and Ukrainian national treasure (think Lily Savage).
Resplendent in her traditional tin foil outfit and silver star hat, Verka came second in Eurovision in 2007 with the manic Dancing Lasha Tumbai. She’s popped up in the shows throughout this week along with her doddery ‘mother’, and I’m not sure she’s done yet.
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So that’s IT for the performances! While the interminable recaps are going on, let’s make some predictions - feel free to join in down below.
My top five favourites: Netherlands, UK, Israel, Italy and Armenia (Alice has gone for Netherlands, Romania, Greece, France and Italy).
Our predicted top five finishers: Portugal, Bulgaria, Italy, Sweden, Netherlands (we both agree on these).
I’m also going to tentatively predict UK in the top ten. Famous last words.
And FINALLY it’s FRANCE, with Alma singing ‘Requiem’ while the pixel mesh takes us on a tour of Paris. It was written by the same writer as last year’s entry ‘J’ai Cherche’, which I loved quite a lot more than this. Alice disagrees - this is one of her favourites. I’ve entirely lost the power of sensible thought, but we’re nearly there. Please don’t leave me.
It’s time for BULGARIA, represented by Kristian Kostov with ‘Beautiful Mess’; a sentiment that all of us in the press centre in Kiev can strongly identify with at this stage of the night. So many songs. Ears bleeding. Send help.
Lots of people think this song could win, incidentally - Kristian is likely to get a lot of support from Russia (where he was born), so an easy vote transfer for anyone who would have voted for They Who Must Not Be Named.
The song itself is soaring, stirring and all sorts of other emotions I am no longer capable of feeling, battered as I am by two hours of pyros and glitter and interpretive theatre and lasers and opera and yodelling.
You are dangerously close to 2000 comments. Just saying.
Next up it’s SWEDEN, with Robin Bengtsson singing ‘I Can’t Go On’. Robin and his mesmerisingly handsome (and sockless - DRINK x2) treadmill dancers look like a Burton Menswear catalogue brought to life, which brilliantly detracts from the fact that Robin’s vocal is not the best we’ve heard this evening. Who cares when you look that freaking’ beautiful?
The song is a standard uber-polished Swedish banger, but I don’t think it’s good enough to take us to Gothenburg next year. Which is just as well, since Alice and I haven’t paid off our bar bill from last year.
It’s time for BELGIUM, with Blanche singing ‘City Lights’. Blanche is either a sulky teenager who doesn’t give two waffles for this event, or she’s been taken hostage and forced on that stage at gunpoint. Either way I’ve never seen anyone put less effort into a Eurovision performance; she looks like she might cry, or faint. Somebody rescue Blanche.
Is the deadpan thing supposed to be achingly cool? It’s entirely lost on me.
This is making my ears hurt. Stop it.
Next up it’s UKRAINE, with O.Torvald singing ‘Time’. The crowd are going wild, presumably because it’s the home nation rather than in response to the quality of this song, because it’s terrible shouty rock. Quite like the giant prop head though, and nothing says Eurovision like a serious rock band in brown tabards.
Time for a plug for Eurovision Choir of the The Year. I wrote a thing about this earlier in the year. Don’t read it now, I need you.
It’s time for GERMANY, with Levina singing ‘Perfect Life’. It starts off sounding an awful lot like David Guetta’s ‘Titanium’ and bimbles along in that vein for a while, but without the welly of Sia’s vocal. It’s perfectly decent bit of bubbly pop, but I don’t think it’s going to set Kiev on fire any time soon. Somebody has to keep the bottom of the table warm, and I suspect this will be it. Good time to make tea.
Only six left! Stay with me, people.
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Right, things have been sensible for far too long. It’s time to take a trip to ROMANIA, and the singular world of Ilinca feat. Alex Florea, who bring us the spectacular Yodel It! (it has both punctuation and a call to action, what’s not to love?)
It’s essentially Julie Andrews feat. Pitbull - a horrific sensory assault of Romanian yodel-rap, sparkly cannons and pulsating rainbows. And yet I LOVE it - the singers have great chemistry, and it’s just entirely joyful.
The cannons serve no purpose whatsoever, which gave Alice cause to school me on the concept of Chekhov’s Gun this morning. Never let it be said that a trip to Eurovision isn’t educational. Also beard - DRINK.
It’s time for CYPRUS, represented by (sockless - DRINK) Hovig singing ‘Gravity’, with bonus sparkly jackets (MORE DRINK!). I always have a soft spot for Cyprus as I lived there for a big chunk of my youth, but the backing track definitely has a whiff of Rag ‘n’ Bone Man’s ‘Human’, and the staging is also a budget version of Russia’s Sergey last year. That said, it’s pretty catchy and I think it could do really well*
*in Greece
Well that was brilliant, well done Lucie.
Next up it’s the UNITED KINGDOM, woo hoo! This year’s sacrificial Welsh lamb is Lucie Jones singing ‘Never Give Up On You’. I am tentatively hopeful that it will put us on the left hand side of the leaderboard at the very least, and there are people here who think this performance could cause a bit of an upset. We do not dare to dream. For Lucie, it would make her the hero who took Eurovision home to the UK after 20 years in musical Siberia, rather than the woman who was knocked out of X Factor by Jedward. You can see why she’s giving it so much welly.
The rest of the UK press contingent (all three of them) are currently singing and flag-waving, as is traditional in the Eurovision press centre. I was busy typing so just sang along. I WILL NEVER GIVE UP ON YOOOOO, I DON’T CARE WHAT I’VE GOT TO LOOOOSE *air grab*
Time for a breather in the form of a comedy VT, courtesy of Mans from Sweden giving our three presenters a schooling in how to present Eurovision, in the style of a superhero training video.
It’s actually very funny and I love how self-aware this competition has become in recent years, although I would argue that any training on how to be the perfect Eurovision presenter should come from Petra Mede rather than Mans Zelmerlow. Maybe she was busy?
Someone did tell me earlier that the hosts this year have no autocue, so they’ve had to learn the script. That’s actually really hard, so maybe we shouldn’t take the piss too much.
It’s time for NORWAY, and Jowst exhorting us to Grab the Moment. Jowst are made up of Norway’s answer to Ed Sheeran/James Bay, accompanied by a guy in a glittery welding mask for no reason whatsoever; hey, it’s Eurovision.
As for the song itself, it’s a bouncy pop ditty that genuinely sounds like it could be a current chart hit, but by this stage of the night I have lost sense of whether that will help or harm its prospects. Anyway, I quite like it.
Next up it’s SPAIN, with Manel Navarro singing ‘Do It For Your Lover’. Imagine the mop-haired spawn of Olly Murs and Jack Johnson jigging about in a Hawaiian shirt against a backdrop of surfboards and palm trees, and that’s pretty much the horror level of this.
Spain, I love your country with all my corazón, but this is guff. If you weren’t in the Big Five this would never have made it to the final, I can’t believe we sacrificed the brilliant Slavko from Montenegro for this.
Yes! You’ve smashed 1000 comments. Not that I’m counting.
It’s time for GREECE, with Demy singing ‘This is Love’. It’s got the the full Greek Eurovision experience going on - gorgeous woman in wafty curtains (potentially emergency bridalwear - DRINK) bellowing out a ballad that morphs into a humungous disco banger, as she rises on a plinth flanked by half-naked sockless dancers in a paddling pool (MORE DRINK x2). This is definitely my definition of Eurovision love.
Bit disappointed that Timur managed to say “Bucks Fizz” this time.
Alice tells me we’ve done 14 songs. We’re over half way!
How many have we done? I feel like it’s probably not very many.
Timur is having a ‘hot tub party in the future’. I love him, he sounds like Kermit The Frog.
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How on earth do you follow that? Apparently with AUSTRALIA, featuring Isaiah Firebrace singing ‘Don’t Come Easy’. The gist is that 17-year-old Isaiah’s love doesn’t come easy or cheap, possibly because he’s too busy strolling around on a massive lazy susan and he’s forgotten to pack his socks (DRINK).
It’s a perfectly pleasant song, but it’s a song for someone ten years older than Isaiah - he should be singing about Snapchat or skateboarding or something. A shame, because I think he’s got real talent.
Right, gird your loins, things are about to get properly bonkers. It’s time for CROATIA, with Jacques Houdek singing ‘My Friend’. Jacques’ is Frankenstein’s Eurovision monster - half camptastic pleather boyband, half lovechild of Pavarotti and Brian Blessed. If this sounds entirely nightmarish and terrible, it absolutely is. It’s AWFUL, but it’s pure Eurovision brilliance and I love it. Also beard - DRINK.
Next up it’s AZERBAIJAN, featuring Dihaj singing ‘Skeletons’ as part of her ‘A’ Level Drama interpretive theatre project. Dihaj is being angry in a graffitied box, accompanied by a man up a ladder wearing a horse’s head. Sia has an awful lot to answer for, frankly.
I actually don’t hate this, it definitely has something interesting about it, even though it’s as mad as a box of frogs.
Alice tells me Portugal is splitting the comment box too. The press centre may come to blows later.
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Apparently the Eurovision conversation on Twitter has just hit one million tweets #loveit
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It’s time for PORTUGAL, represented by beardy man-bun (DRINK) Salvador Sobral singing ‘Amar Pelos Dois’. This is definitely the entry that’s splitting the room this year - some think this little ditty is pure, old-fashioned class and is going to win, and others argue it’s contrived and tedious hipster guff. It’s not my cup of tea, but I suspect it will do very well in the Jury vote, so we’ll see.
Next up it’s DENMARK, with Anja singing Where I Am. Where she is right now is unsettlingly close to the camera, but thankfully we don’t have to look at her eyeballs for long. This is your standard Eurovision Big Bellowy Ballad - beautifully sung but instantly forgettable. Nothing to see here, move along.
It’s time for the first of this year’s Big Five, and it’s ITALY, with Francesco Gabbani singing his satirical take on western appropriation of eastern culture (no, really), ‘Occidentalis Karma’. It’s one of this year’s favourites to win, despite being in the wrong half of the running order and sung pretty much entirely in Italian.
It’s definitely catchy and the quirky dance routine and random gorilla appearance will make it memorable - apparently the gorilla is a reference to Desmond Morris’s The Naked Ape, It’s absolutely NOT a shameless gimmick to make people remember the funny dancing gorilla, no sirree.
I really want to hate this, but I can’t. Francesco is ridiculously charming, and it’s just kind of fun.
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Hooray, it’s time for song nine! Alice has gone to get me a beer, I’ve waited quite long enough and the next song is a perfect time to start.
Apparently everyone on Twitter is tweeting ‘U OK #hun?’
Every year without fail.
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It’s time for HUNGARY, with Joci Papai/Matt LeBlanc singing ‘Origo’. This is probably an absolute banger if Hungarian music is your thing, but to my ears it’s waily and painful. Mostly he just repeats “dur dur dur dur duuur, bur bur bur bur burrr”, whilst a woman in a cheesecloth frock dances round him to provide distraction.
Then just when you think it can’t get any worse, he starts rapping. Joci also has a beard, so DRINK if you weren’t already.
Next up it’s MOLDOVA, who are represented by a band called ‘The Sunstroke Project’; a condition that is generally considered a BAD thing, unless the titular aim is to raise awareness of heat-induced illness, in which case well done Moldova. Their song ‘Hey Mamma’ features the running man (it’s still 1987 in Moldova), and a move that involves flapping your right leg like you’ve got a ferret in your trousers. Their right legs must be really muscly in comparison to the left, like fiddler crabs.
This song is annoyingly catchy, right up to the point where the saxophone solo kicks in and I want to slap the instrument out of his hands and fling it into the Dnieper River. But there are three wedding dresses AND beards, so probably best to finish the bottle.
Hooray, it’s time for the NETHERLANDS, with the awkwardly named O’G3NE singing Lights and Shadows. When Alice met these three sisters last week, they explained that it’s because their Mum’s blood type is O, there’s three of them, and they share genes. Handy for an emergency hospital admission, but otherwise kind of annoying.
The sisters are decked out in matching spangly bodycon, and the song is a trawl through a Pinterest search for “motivational quotes”, set to a melody torn out of the Wilson Phillips songbook. I love it, and would like to see it finish in the top five - Alice and I have learned all the words so we can sing it in the Euroclub later. We have no shame whatsoever.
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I hear my daughter has popped up in the comment box. Play nicely, everyone.
Next up it’s ARMENIA, with Artsvik singing ‘Fly With Me’. There are only a couple of songs that give a flavour of their home nation this year, and this is one of them; it manages to capture Armenian musical culture AND feel really contemporary, which is no mean feat. It gets a bit shouty towards the end, but I really love it. Also bonus points for Artsvik’s fishtail plait.
Is everyone still with me. Alice tells me there was lots of love for Belarus in the comments. It’s quirky, I like it.
It’s time for AUSTRIA, with the adorable (sockless, beardy DRINK) Nathan Trent singing the equally adorable ‘Running On Air’. It has a moon and clouds and charm galore - if I was 14 I’d absolutely love this.
As it is I’m 43 and he kind of looks a bit like my boyfriend who is also Austrian, so obviously I love this anyway. Look, it’s definitely not the worst song you’re going to hear this evening.
Who’s next? It’s BELARUS, with Naviband singing ‘Story Of My Life’. All aboard the HMS Mumford for a folksy little number, inexplicably sung in a Belarusian hovercraft. It also has a natty little dance routine AND bridalwear, so DRINK. I’m so sorry.
Next up it’s time for POLAND, and Kasia Mos singing ‘Flashlight’. She’s wearing a couple of bandages and a leg curtain in a wind tunnel (slutty bridalwear DRINK), and it’s all a wardrobe malfunction waiting to happen. The song is a bit shouty, but Kasia manages to eek a tortured rhyme out of fire, desire, wire and higher, so that’s surely worth two points. At one point she appears to fart pigeons, which is novel.
Alice tells me you’re all getting thoroughly stuck into the booze down there. Good work.
First up it’s ISRAEL, with Imri singing I Feel Alive. At risk of stating the bleeding obvious very early on in proceedings, Imri is really very handsome, like he came out of a Boyband Member Generator cranked up to maximum everything, complete with cheeky wink to camera. The song gears up into a proper banger; it’s a great way to kick off tonight’s final and everyone in the press centre is already throwing shapes. Incidentally, if Imri is breaking into pieces, can I bagsy his arms?
Imri has both a beard and sexy backing dancers, so DRINK.
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Right, let’s get on with the singing!
Also sparkly jackets and Oleks has no socks! Start drinking NOW. Apparently Kiev has only one syllable - imagine saying it whilst drunk and trying to suppress a burp.
Oleksandr (not the meerkat) is the one that looks like the love child of Nicky Campbell and Hugh Dennis, whilst Vulva (sp?) is the other one. My favourite is Timur (with the beard) - yesterday in rehearsals he called Buck’s Fizz ‘Fucks Bizz’, and now I’m tempted to start a tribute band. Honestly, I’ve been listening to these three for days and they’re just spectacularly awful, but I kind of love them.
And now it’s time to meet our hosts! In a conspicuous demonstration of the 2017 Eurovision theme “Celebrating Diversity”, this year’s presenters are three white men plucked straight from the window of the Ukrainian equivalent of Top Man.
Their names are Oleksandr, Volodymyr and Timur, and they are so terrible it’s actually kind of charming.
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They just keep coming. So many flags. So many singers.
UK entry Lucie Jones is 18th, which is a really good slot, and her gold dress is all kinds of fabulous. Love the exploding flag graphics - most of the finalists make good use of the pixel mesh this evening.
Back to the arena, and it’s time for the annual fashion parade of this year’s 26 finalists. Oh god, there’s so many of them. Three and a half hours worth. We may not make it.
The opening VT is basically the Sony Bravia bouncing balls TV ad with Ukrainian love beads. Everybody’s trying to catch one, they’re like Pokemon. Still, it’s all very cheerful and fun.
And we’re off! Nothing makes my heart soar like the Eurovision Anthem, Te Deum. Let the 2017 Eurovision Song Contest begin!
Is everyone ready? Drink? Snacks? Tiny flags?
Also a note on the UK’s chances this year - I know the naysayers are out in force, but we’ve never had a better chance of finishing in the top ten - Lucie’s performance is great, the staging is fabulous, the song is really very decent and we’ve got a great slot in the running order. Let’s keep our fingers crossed for an exciting finish, it could be our year to cross the abyss into the left hand side of the leader board.
So obviously we need a Eurovision drinking game - have a swig of Ukrainian vodka every time you spot the any of the following:
- Sockless men
- Bridalwear
- Sparkly Jackets
- Beards
- Hot male backing dancers (look it’s my game, I’ll include what I like)
I’ve got another set of criteria lined up for the scoring later, so you may want to pace yourselves. I’m sticking to Terry Wogan rules and not touching a drop until Song 9, but you can fill your sparkly boots (please drink responsibly etc.)
So just a couple of housekeeping bits for this evening - I’m reliant on the WiFi in the Kiev press room (along with 2000 other people), so if that drops out I might disappear for a while, in which case crack on down below without me until I come back. It’s been absolutely fine up to now, but who knows what the evening holds.
I’m also not watching on the BBC, so I can’t hear Graham Norton’s commentary. I’m going to assume he’s as brilliantly funny as ever, but forgive me if I don’t comment on anything specific. Feel free to keep me posted down below, however.
Finally, if you’ve never been to Kiev, you really should. It’s a beautiful and friendly city, the food is magnificent and everything is ridiculously cheap. I’ve had a ball here for the last few days, the organisation has been brilliant. Going to Eurovision is an experience in itself, but doing it in a city I’ve never been to before makes it really special - I highly recommend.
Evening all, and welcome to this year’s Eurovision song contest liveblog! It’s time to board the Bonkers Express for another celebration of musical randomness, courtesy of the 26 countries who have made it through to this year’s Eurovision final. This year I’m liveblogging from beautiful Kiev – I’ve had very little sleep since Thursday and they serve gin and tonic by the pint, but it’s ALL GOING TO BE FINE.
Stu Heritage is busy hawking his new book this weekend, so I’m manning the liveblog solo, with help from my lovely friend Alice (@alice). Alice is the biggest Eurovision fan I know – she’ll be keeping an extra eye on the comment box, the general Twitter mood and the goings on in the arena while I’m feverishly typing.
I’ll be liveblogging for the full three and a half hours this evening, and would be most grateful if you could keep the comment box stuffed with your increasingly inebriated opinions on the presenters, the songs, the costumes and the performances. There’s definitely something for everyone this evening, so enjoy.
Kick-off is at 8pm, so grab a bottle, a bowl of Eurosnacks and a cushion to cringe behind, and I’ll see you then!
