Stupidest group name of the year. Nobody in London has any friends, you silly Danes. We don’t even look each other in the eye on the Tube. Anyway, this sounds like an even more anaemic Green Day and as such should be dismissed out of hand. Also: nice one for stealing Jedward’s haircut Photograph: Wolfgang Rattay/Reuters
Amazing. It’s like watching the opening titles to David The Gnome after being concussed with a giant hammer made of drugs. It’s got trumpets in it. People shout. A nonplussed woman wobbles past on a unicycle at one point. I am going to Moldova as soon as possible because of this, and I’ll be disappointed if it doesn’t turn out to be exactly like this performance Photograph: Sean Gallup/Getty Images
It’s clear to see why Dino Merlin got through to Saturday’s final. He has the best name in all of Eurovision, the best ratty beard in all of Eurovision, his song sounds a bit like the first part of Baby by Justin Bieber and his pianist looks fun. Other than that, it’s rubbish and if it wins on Saturday I’ll cry Photograph: Frank Augstein/AP
Like a Lady Gaga song performed by Zac Efron. Brilliant lyrics, too. “HEY, don’t tell me it’s IMPOSSIBLE/ Cos I know it’s POSSIBLE” it goes. And the chorus is basically Eric shouting “I WILL BE POPULAR!” over and over again in a way that makes you think he spends most of his time staring into a mirror and clawing at his face. This one could win Photograph: Patrik Stollarz/AFP/Getty Images
A song about a geographical landmark, performed by a woman who looks like she’s been fed nothing but coffee since birth. Apparently in Rockafeller Street, “Everything is more than surreal”. So basically that means everything is real. Thanks for the heads up, Getter Photograph: Henning Kaiser/EPA
This sounds a bit like Shine by Take That, but less financially viable because Morrisons probably won’t use it in their adverts, and also because it also sounds quite a lot like Today’s The Day by Sean Maguire, which is rubbish. Apparently Hotel FM - led by a Geordie binman, incidentally - want us all to change the world. I’m happy to change it by not letting them win Eurovison Photograph: Sean Gallup/Getty Images
As you already know, Jedward are objectively incredible. But here they’re even more incredible. They’re dressed as Legion Of Doom, for starters. And they spend their entire performance leaping around independently of each other like bears on an electrified grid. And, whisper it, Lipstick is actually a pretty good song. Please let them win on Saturday. Please. Please Photograph: Sean Gallup/Getty Images
According to her bio, Maja is the Slovenian Christina Aguilera. Presumably this means that she also tries to wring as many syllables as possible out of comparatively short words and recently made a rubbish film about some happy strippers too. I haven’t checked. This song isn’t very good, by the way Photograph: Patrik Stollarz/AFP/Getty Images
Nadine says that the secret is love, but I’d be prone to disagree. From the look of her, it’s pretty clear that the secret is about 12 barrels of industrial strength hair conditioner. The secret definitely isn’t warbling like a hapless Celine Dion impersonator, though. Which is a shame, because that’s pretty much her only trick
Photograph: Rodriguez Sanchez/WireImage
It doesn’t matter what this song sounds like, because on Saturday you’ll all be too busy staring at the mad lady who stands next to Mika frantically scratching pictures into some sand with her fingernails. It’s a nice trick. Is it too late to replace Blue’s current staging with the boy from Britain’s Got Talent who can draw Michael McIntyre’s face onto slices of toast with bits of Marmite? Say it isn’t Photograph: Patrik Stollarz/AFP/Getty Images
