In true Eurotrash fashion, the episode closes with a bad pop song performed by a European woman in barely any clothes. And now it’s finished. Well, that existed. BYE.
Inspired, Gautier and de Caunes are replicating the stunt by wearing boxes over their penises and letting the artist grab at them. I’m convinced. We should remain in Europe.
Now to Germany, where a Swiss performance artist makes a point about female sexual agency by wearing a box over her breasts and asking people to reach inside and touch them. But this is Eurotrash, so her sincere explanation is accompanied by the sound of a honking bicycle horn. And now I’m onboard again.
We’re now being treated to a Lolo Ferrari retrospective. She had big boobs and then she died. It was a tragic story, and one once dealt with in a Eurotrash special. This time, though, it’s just a series of clips of a woman with big boobs saying things in a funny accent.
Last segment now. Here’s a man called Prickasso who paints things with his arse and cock. He’s Australian. This is Europe in 2016: a place so deprived of silly nudity that we need to outsource to the colonies. If that’s not an argument for Brexit, then I don’t know what is.
Incidentally, if you’re also finding Eurotrash a bit low on graphic depictions of depressing body parts, why not literally spend 45 seconds on the internet. The internet: Eurotrash, but slightly more so.
I told you this was going to be impossible to liveblog, didn’t I?
I looked down while I was typing that last entry, and when I looked up there was a naked man lying on an inflatable bed, eating worms and singing a song about how much he likes maggots. I think I’m going to have to watch this back tomorrow morning.
Here’s Eddie Izzard, brought on to free-associate about nothing in an unfunny way for 30 seconds. Like I’m one to judge.
I hope you’re all actually watching this and not just reading the liveblog. I just read the last three entries back and it sounds like I ran headfirst into a wall.
This is something bordering on a serious message: Antoine de Caunes is explaining that life is short and happiness is fleeting and we shouldn’t judge anyone for how to chose their life. Which is a wonderful thing to say, except it’s immediately followed by a naked woman with a chicken beak.
We’re far enough past the watershed now to get to Real Eurotrash. We’re being treated to a full montage of nudity, and men who derive sexual pleasure by wearing inflatable PVC catsuits, and men who get off on smelling shoes, and more nudity.
They’re dressed as Charles and Camilla now! ‘Please bring back that big redhead Fergie’ they say. Then they say the word ‘sex’ three times in a row and pull a funny face.
I just want Antoine de Caunes to do alliteration and waggle his eyebrows at the camera. Remember his chatshow? I sort of wish Channel 4 had brought that back instead.
There is a chance that I misremembered Eurotrash. I thought the vast majority of it was Antoine de Caunes being charming and silly, but apparently it was mainly to do with people who wear contact lenses and have chins.
Next: French scientists who seem to have ruined their faces with cosmetic surgery. Everybody loves them, and they’re highly respected, but they made a song about chins and that’s why they’re on television now.
Another Ukrainian clip now, about a singer who doesn’t wear any clothes. That’s it.
And now the hosts are talking to a Bosnian transgender model. Jean Paul Gautier uses her a lot, and this just seems like a advert for that. She isn’t funny, and she has nothing interesting to say. This seems like a wasted... oh no, hang on, here’s a German man who sings songs about sausages. That’s more like it.
More old clips. Remember the Germans who dressed as Mongol invaders? Or the French man who made a noise like a pig? Or the Italians who made a song about a pizza? Because I don’t. Seriously, how did people manage to ejaculate in the 90s?
They’re interviewing a man who can tell the future by rubbing cauliflowers. My sincere apologies to any 13-year-old boys who sneaked upstairs to masturbate to this.
We’re back! The hosts are dressed as vegetables and discussing their penises. To think, people used to masturbate this before the internet was invented. No wonder old people are so cranky.
Also, just FYI, I think that Eurotrash might be a legitimately unlivebloggable programme. This can only end badly.
This isn’t what Eurotrash was normally like, was it? That was just a clip of a woman who worse contact lenses. Listen, I don’t know much but I do know this: if the opening titles of your television programme contains a graphic close-up of a pooing horse, then your big opening film can’t be about a woman whose sole quirk is a pair of contact lenses. I want to see filth! I want depravity! I want to see someone from Latvia hammer a nail through their penis! Come on Eurotrash, you can do this.
OK! Actual new stuff. It’s about Ukrainians who want to be Barbie. Becoming a Barbie mainly involves getting really skinny, wearing giant contact lenses, leaning against a tree, singing to a snake and claiming to be an alien. Oh, and being an unconvincing DJ.
Antoine de Caunes is now interviewing a giant nose about its views on the referendum. It is communicating in honks.
We’re into a flashback to classic Eurotrash, a clip about an Italian politician who professed her pro-Euro credentials by singing about French willies. And now, I think, a French politician who is either a dog, or has a dog, or something.
Gautier is dressed as Little Red Riding Hood and hand-feeding a man dressed as a deer. I don’t know why this happening. This liveblog is four minutes old and the show has already got away from me.
Antoine and Jean Paul are here, as if they’d never been away, dancing around in skirts and yelling incoherently. Honestly, I’ve missed this.
Three seconds into the opening titles and there’s already an pooing animal. This is a brilliant start.
Here we go: strong language, full-frontal nudity and adult themes. Welcome to Friday night.
Now I’m watching children watch Mamma Mia. First Mick Hucknall blocked me on Twitter and now this.
We’ve received our first comment!
No thanks. The clue is in the title - trash.
It’s going to a long night, isn’t it.
Before Eurotrash begins, you can watch Gogglesprogs on Channel 4. It is currently broadcasting a segment where children watch documentary footage of charred spider corpses and then dry heave. Entertainment.
Bon soir, readers, and welcome to tonight’s Eurotrash liveblog. Yes, in what is either a vital addition to – or a welcome distraction from – next week’s European referendum, Channel 4 is reviving its most beloved kaleidoscope of continental kinkiness for one night only.
And, frankly, about time too. Jean Paul Gaultier and (especially) Antoine de Caunes have been away from our screens for far too long, and their ability to poke fun at our national prurience has been much missed.
We all have our own memories of Eurotrash. Maybe we watched it coming back from the pub. Maybe we watched it in bed as teenagers, our forlorn attempts at adolescent self-pleasure perpetually undone by close-ups of farting anuses. Maybe, if my mum is reading, we didn’t do any of these things. Still, it’s been a horrible week, and an hour of day-glo ramshackle sauciness sounds like the perfect thing to take the edge off. Hooray for Eurotrash!
Am I being too enthusiastic? I’m not sure. The last thing I liveblogged was the first episode of Top Gear, so compared to that an hour of flaccid Belgian penises is going to seem like a masterpiece. The show starts at 9pm. I’d be very happy if you could join me.
