In the US, Groundhog Day is celebrated on 2 February. Over here, it happens a day later. Another day; another dose of Europe. Having fluffed his best lines in Chippenham the day before, David Cameron was forced back to Westminster to see if he could deliver them more convincingly. MPs were not impressed that the prime minister had chosen to inform Siemens staff about the brilliance of his EU negotiations before them, and the speaker duly gave Dave a punishment beating. Ministerial statements usually last an hour at most; this one was dragged out for two and by the end Dave was on his knees.
There was no slight intended to the Commons, Dave assured MPs. The only reason he had nipped off down to Wiltshire the day before was to give MPs more time to read the draft proposals. He knew how much interest there was in the EU referendum and he wanted to make sure MPs were fully in command of the facts before they had a chance to question him. The facts, of course, were the last thing any MP really wanted. Partly because there were almost none to be had and partly because there isn’t a single member in the Commons who has yet to make up their mind about where they stand on Europe. Apart from possibly a few Cabinet ministers and junior Tories with a keen eye on their own preferment.
“Yes, there are gaps in the text. Yes, there are some details to be pinned down,” Dave said, just as he had the day before. By some, he meant all. “But I believe I have negotiated a deal that gets to the heart of people’s concerns.” Or a deal that gets to the heart of what might be negotiable. It was almost word for word the same text as he had used in Chippenham, only with slightly less arm-waving and more hammering of his fingers on the dispatch box. It’s how Dave nails things down. There was slightly more verve and conviction second time around, but not much. The most compelling case Dave could make for staying in Europe would be to point out how much we need the other EU leaders; the idea that Dave might be left to run the country entirely by himself is terrifying.
For the second time in as many days, Jeremy Corbyn also stood up to repeat himself. Corbyn’s outrage at Cameron’s non-appearance the day before seemed to have been mitigated at the pleasure of witnessing the Tory party tearing itself to pieces yet again. The EU is the Conservatives’ very own psycho-drama: Who’s Afraid of Angela Merkel? The Labour leader muttered a few words of introduction that no one listened to, before letting the Tories eat themselves.
All too predictably they obliged. Ken Clarke stood up to declare the reason the Eurosceptics were so angry was because Dave had delivered so much more than expected. Hegelian logic at its most suspect. Europhile Dominic Grieve suspended disbelief still further by referring to the “remarkable specificity” of the document. Dave must have wondered if Grieve knew something he didn’t.
Then came the Eurosceptic torrent. Bill Cash, John Redwood et al got up to say they were angry because … because they are only happy when they feel marginalised. Steve Baker tempered his “polishing the poo” to “polishing the deal” and even the usually polite Jacob Rees-Mogg was roused to near incivility. “Thin gruel has been further watered down,” he said. “The prime minister has a fortnight to salvage his reputation as a negotiator.”
Throughout all this the opposition’s contributions were helpfully anodyne. The most telling came from Alan Johnson who was keen to flush out his Conservative namesake. His father and his brother were committed to staying in Europe, he observed. Could the prime minister say if Boris was also going to join the Johnsons for Europe? Dave couldn’t. Nor could Boris. When John Bercow initially offered Boris a chance to speak, the London mayor stayed silent. Sensing his hesitation had been interpreted as cowardice, Boris made a move 10 minutes later. His question was dull, vague and not thought through; spoken more from a need to speak than a need to think.
“Let me tell the house,” concluded Dave. “No ministerial careers will be threatened. Members must vote for what they believe; they have no need to fear deselection or boundary changes in their constituencies or deselection.” By which he meant the opposite. Boris and the Tory rebels were on a warning.
