Dear Malcolm,
I’m here from the future – go with it – to tell you some very important stuff I’ve learned in the 20 or so years since I was you. OK, it’s not that important, because I know how this space-time continuum business works: one life tweak could send us spiralling into a woebegone reality.
So here’s some harmless, but nonetheless excellent advice.
Like most teenagers you’re a super sensor – you feel everything so acutely you’re virtually one of Stan Lee’s mutants: Jean Grey in stonewash jeans and a multicoloured sweater. But you can’t read minds and your habit of concocting speculative futures with anyone who so much as scans your shopping with a smile is not helpful.
Stop imagining what other people are thinking altogether and when you do finally meet someone, avoid overanalysing the relationship. If you have to talk about it endlessly, it’s not working. If you have to play games, it’s not working. Find someone who jumps at the chance to have a midnight picnic in February and doesn’t try to make you feel guilty for anything, ever.
Crushes will happen – with that boy who came to read the meter, the boy two years above you who plays water polo in the thinnest blue Speedos, and the blonde floppy-haired boy from the posh school who makes you cry every time he goes home with his girlfriend. Guess what? These crushes will pass, blondie will dump that girlfriend and when he gets married you’ll love his wife as much as him.
Heartbreak will happen – it’s the pits – but here’s the good news: most of your breakups end in lifelong friendships, so be kind to the people you fall into bed with and keep your mind open, because sometimes the rebound guy is the love of your life.
Bonus note: in the future there’s this thing called the friend zone, you’re going to want to give that a swerve. If they don’t snog you straight away – retreat and disengage.
When it comes to personal style you’re still learning, but the 80s have got your back. Growing up with the sartorial dopamine of Saturday morning TV presenters, Duran Duran, Merchant Ivory and the brat pack means you will come to see fashion as a glorious game of dress up, not a rigid stamp of identity. Be bold and screw the outdated dogmas of masculinity. In the years to come, gender boundaries will blur and you’ll wish you’d been a bit more adventurous, but maybe wait till you’re out of Catholic school before you dig out the crop tops and tulle.
Quit pretending to like alt-rock. There will be a re-evaluation of the entire Abba oeuvre, so there’s nothing to feel guilty about. Are you listening? Stop being pretentious. Yes, Bertolucci’s anti-fascist masterpiece The Conformist is an important late work of classic Italian cinema, but Road House has Patrick Swayze’s bum.
Don’t fight your hair – it wants to be wavy, let it kink; do not get sucked into the straightener vortex or, worse, encourage the curl to a pert clown hat. Sidenote: rag-rolling your hair like a war widow the night before your mum’s second wedding is to be avoided at all costs. You should, however, bleach your hair at least once every couple of years, because eventually you’ll regret that you didn’t.
Your metabolism is Olympian, but instead of obsessing about knees the size of cooking apples on legs the size of bread sticks, embrace the waif. Love your bony body and be glad the gym culture of 2019 doesn’t exist. Take your shirt off when it’s warm, cavort in your pants at any given chance and be glad everything works.
Growing up on the tiny island of Jersey, you assume everyone “off-rock” is better than you – more talented, wiser, funnier and cooler – but that’s just not true. You’re a lot more special than you think. Embrace your authentic self, believe that you have what it takes to be a worthwhile addition to humanity, and at some point stop trying to make terrible people like you.
Right, here’s the quick-fire round. Grab a felt-tip and get scribbling: don’t try to change people, it’s a losing game. Admit when you’re wrong – it won’t be very often – and that will annoy the hell out of people. Try to be humble. Dream, but be realistic. Don’t hesitate: blunder, make mistakes, learn from them, cringe and keep a diary – it’ll be the funniest book you ever read.
You can forget all of the above if you remember this one thing: you are young, really young and that’s a currency that makes the Swiss Franc look weak. Rinse it. Being young is the best free gift any of us gets and it lasts for ages, but not forever. Run around and be a terror – soon, technology will capture your every move, but right now nobody’s watching. So go crazy, be brave, try everything and stay up all night while you can – because in the not-so-distant future 10:30pm is going to seem awfully late for a weeknight.
Oh, and go see David Bowie live as soon as you can, he won’t be around forever.
Eternity Calvin Klein, available on Boots.com
