OH MANOLAS!
After the top story on one English tabloid’s website brought us the sensational news that footage recorded in the wake of Liverpool’s Big Cup win over Manchester City revealed the floor of their dressing room to be strewn with discarded footwear, The Fiver feels somewhat behind the curve with its only-exclusive-if-you-haven’t-already-seen-it-somewhere-else revelation that bananas, apples, bottled water, energy drinks and what looked like a selection of cold cuts were laid out on a table for Roma’s jubilant players following their epic win over Barcelona. It was an upset for the ages; those plucky Italian underdogs turning around a three-goal deficit to leave Leo Messi looking, as PG Wodehouse might put it, “as anguished as some duck which, sauntering in a reverie beside a duck-pond, had inadvertently stubbed its toe on a broken bottle”.
“Roma have risen from their ruins!” roared commentator Peter Drury during scenes of unbridled sideline ecstasy after Kostas Manolas headed home the decisive goal from a corner. “Manolas the Greek god in Rome! The unthinkable unfolds before our eyes! This was not meant to happen! This could not happen! This is happening! Barcelona extraordinarily eight minutes from elimination and [Roma manager] Di Francesco does not know where to go! Iniesta does not know where to look! It is a Greek god from Rome who has come to the seven hills of Rome and pulled off a miracle!” Drury’s was football commentary at its very, very best and a soliloquy that will surely live forever in the memory of the handful of BT Sport’s couple of thousand subscribers who were actually watching.
While Roma fans and their chief suit celebrated like ducks pogoing in a reverie beside an ornate Fontana dell’Obelisco in the Italian capital’s Piazza del Popolo, the gentlemen and women of the normally restrained and level-headed Spanish press were sharpening their quills. “TOTAL FAILURE IN EUROPE!” screamed Real Madrid fanzine Marca, which reserved half its front page for a picture of Pep Guardiola holding his head in his hands, despite the fact he last worked for Barcelona six years ago. “A HISTORICAL DEBACLE!” fumed Mundo Deportivo, while El País chuntered on about “A NIGHT WITHOUT FOOTBALL OR FIGHT!”
Speaking after a game in which Barcelona’s players demonstrably didn’t try to give the maximum and paid a heavy price for their complacency, Andrés Iniesta said: “We always try to give the maximum but we are knocked out and now feel everyone’s pain”. Unlike so many thousands of comparatively overworked and underpaid culés, the Fiver can’t help but feel Senor Andrés and his chums won’t take quite as long to get over it.
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QUOTE OF THE DAY
“As a boy, I lived in a tent with a couple of goats, and one of them I used to call Gary, because of Gary Lineker. It is normal to have goats or camels in the south of Tunisia, where it’s very dry and they can survive the heat and go without drinking for days. We would use the goat’s milk for breakfast. Leo now, my little boy, I tell him about the story and he always says: ‘Daddy I want a goat for my birthday.’ I take him and my daughter, Maya, home every year to see my family and all the rest of it” – Stevenage manager Dino Maamria gets his chat on with Ben Fisher.
FILM-BUFF OF THE DAY
“We went go-karting. I was rubbish. Danny Batth was quite quick. The foreign boys were driving like Miss Daisy – not used to the English roads” – we’re going to stick our neck out here and guess that Wolves captain Conor Coady has never watched the 1989 film about a long-standing friendship between an elderly widow and her chauffeur that transcends racial prejudices and social conventions.
THE FIVEЯ
It’s our not-singing, not-dancing Ethics World Cup Fiver. Out every Thursday lunchtime BST.
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FIVER LETTERS
“I know what pride comes before but what about smug arrogance? Ah, yes …” – Noble Francis.
“By quoting the late, great Jim Bowen, is Tim Woods (Tuesday’s letters) suggesting that Fernando Torres could have won a speed boat if he stayed at Liverpool?” – Andrew Want.
“I just returned to the USA! USA!! USA!!! from a week-long trip to London. As an Arsenal supporter, I was disappointed (a feeling I’m used to) at their lack of Premier League action while in town but I completely forgot about the Big Vase and their match last Thursday. Imagine how I felt when I returned to my hotel room to read The Fiver and realised that an Arsenal match was just two tube stops away but that the match was nearly over at that point. However, that disappointment didn’t get close to matching the despair I felt upon returning home and realising that I forgot to seek out and sample Tin whilst in England. I feel as though I’ve missed out on the quintessential English/Fiver football experience!” – Bryan Duncan.
Send your letters to the.boss@theguardian.com. And if you’ve nothing better to do you can also tweet The Fiver. Today’s winner of our prizeless letter o’the day is … Andrew Want.
THE RECAP
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BITS AND BOBS
Dejan Lovren has revealed that his gob had a hand in inspiring Liverpool’s second-half turnaround against Manchester City. “To be honest I was shouting a bit at half-time,” honked Lovren. “I told the lads to wake up because it was not good enough and I said we were sitting too deep.” Meanwhile, Pep Guardiola has been charged by Uefa for giving the referee some choice verbals and communicating with the bench during his side’s defeat.
Ipswich boss Mick McCarthy has bundled himself aboard the good ship Do One four games early after his side’s 1-0 win over Barnsley was played out to a soundtrack of boooooooooos. “It was a disgraceful reaction, that, but I won’t have to listen to it again because that’s my last game. I’m out of here,” he roared.
And Roma president James Pallotta has agreed to pay a fine and apologise to mayor Virginia Raggi after jumping into a downtown fountain to celebrate the win over Barcelona. “He did it in a moment of excitement but he realises the importance of the example he needs to provide,” deadpanned Raggi.
STILL WANT MORE?
Jürgen Klopp is more than just a cheerleader, cheers Andy Hunter.
If you were hoping for a simile about a petrol mower in a piece about Manchester City imploding, then this hot-take by Barney Ronay will be right up your street.
“A historic humiliation!” Yes, it’s the Spanish press reaction to Barça’s loss at Roma.
“Bigger than a miracle!” And here’s your giddy take from the Italian media.
Barcelona showed they can’t really defend – but can anyone, asks floating football brain in a jar Jonathan Wilson.
Marina Hyde on Chris Coleman channelling Seinfeld, obviously.
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