Question: I'm a 63-year-old married man with two adult children, but I am also living a double life. I have a secret second family that my first family knows nothing about. I've worked hard over the years to amass a fortune — a sizable nest egg, two vacation properties, family heirlooms — and I love both families dearly.
I want to ensure everyone is taken care of after I'm gone, but I'm not ready to confess my secret. I know I need to update my will, but I'm terrified that the legal process will expose my second family to my first. What should I do?
Answer: Before we get into any estate planning advice, it's worth noting that a financial or estate plan that's based on secrecy, particularly beyond a person's death, can be tricky, complicated and potentially messy.
"Estate plans don’t operate in private. They’re carried out by people — executors, trustees, financial institutions — and examined by beneficiaries, sometimes, if it’s after a death, it’s when emotions are high, and everything is questioned," says Pam Krueger, founder and CEO of Wealthramp. "The more complex the personal story, the more likely it is that questions get asked and documents get scrutinized."
Keep in mind:
- If your estate ends up in probate, your will becomes a public document in many states.
- Executors of wills are legally required to notify legal heirs and/or interested parties of what's in the estate.
Can estate planning be completely secret?
With that out of the way, now to the big question: Can you keep it secret?
Yes and no.
As far as updating your will goes, you are in the clear, for now. There is no automatic system that triggers an alert to family members or beneficiaries when your will is changed. It is generally an easy and private process while you're alive.
But after you die, your privacy may go out the window, especially if your legal family suspects something is amiss.
"Estate documents don’t stay hidden in a drawer. They get reviewed, interpreted, discussed and often openly shared as part of the settlement process," said Krueger. "So that’s typically when questions arise. Especially if distributions don’t match up with what people expected, or if beneficiaries compare notes."
An estate plan often gets public scrutiny when there are questions, which will likely be the case if you keep the second family secret upon your death. If there's suspicion of hidden funds funneled to a secret partner, Krueger said beneficiaries can dig into financial records, potentially uncovering everything.
"The biggest blind spot in all of this is assuming the paperwork does the heavy lifting. It doesn’t," she said.
How to pass assets to your second family
You can have only one will leaving assets to your legal family, but you can have two revocable trusts, which is a way to leave assets to your second family.
The assets in a revocable trust avoid probate, are only known to the beneficiaries and you retain full control of the assets. You can change terms at any time while you are alive.
But a big reveal may come after you die, because of estate taxes, said David Handle, partner, trusts & estates at Kirkland & Ellis.
"Ultimately, the assets in that trust will need to be reported on an estate tax return if one is required, and some of the income in that trust will be reported on the person’s final income tax return, so the 'first family' is likely to learn of it at that time," said Handler.
Most married couples file jointly. To maintain secrecy, you can switch to "Married Filing Separately," but that may trigger a conversation you seem to want to avoid at present.
If you aren't married to the "second spouse," the assets passing won't qualify for the estate tax marital deduction and could trigger estate taxes. That means the taxes on the assets you are leaving to your second family could end up being paid by the first family.
While the federal estate tax limit is high ($13.99 million in 2026), don't assume that keeps you safe. First, 17 states levy an estate tax — often with a much lower threshold — which your estate would need to pay. Second, your final income tax return will still show income generated by your assets. If your legal wife is the one filing that return, she will see the income from that "secret" vacation property or bank account.
Name an outsider as trustee
It's extremely important when setting up the revocable trust that you name a professional or independent trustee as the executor rather than your legal wife. But depending on the state you live in, that might not be enough.
Some states, including California, Delaware, and New York, have "Notice to Heirs" requirements that legally require a trustee to notify all legal heirs. In this case, your first family would be notified when the revocable trust becomes irrevocable at death.
That's even if the heirs aren't getting anything. In other words, your first family will be notified about your second family's trust if you live in a state that has that requirement. To get around that, you can set up an Irrevocable Life Insurance Trust (ILIT) in which the assets bypass your estate and the notice requirements.
As for any heirlooms you want to leave to your second family, you can write a Letter of Instruction, but it's only as private as the person holding it.
To keep your legal family from finding it, you must name a professional executor (like a bank or attorney) for your entire estate. If your legal wife is your executor, she has access to everything, including that Letter of Instruction.
Seek professional help
Providing for both families financially is easier to do while you are alive. It is possible after you are gone, but the odds are against you.
The best advice is to get help from legal and estate planning professionals who can help you avoid estate planning mistakes and steer you in the right direction.
