If you are unaware of ITV2's docusoap The Only Way is Essex and its new E4 rival, Made in Chelsea, a quick guide follows should you find yourself locked in conversation with a 15-year-old girl who will talk of nothing else. TOWIE (in this genre, acronyms are all) features beautiful, rich and mostly dim Essex-dwelling youngsters who shop and argue about relationships. MiC (stay with me) is similar but the youngsters say "ya" instead of "shut-aaarp" because they are from opulent west London. Both are a peculiar hybrid of documentary and soap that sees the participants acting out staged scenes from their own lives for the cameras. Here's how they compare:
The Only Way is Essex
Main attraction High-maintenance misery Lauren and her feckless on/off boyfriend Mark.
Supporting cast Amy (beauty therapist/vajazzler), Kirk (club owner), Harry (like a newborn foal, the world is a constant surprise to him) and Nanny Pat (wise old woman of Brentwood).
Vernacular "Shut-aaarp. I'm well jell." (Be quiet. I'm jealous.)
Target audience The aforementioned 15-year-old will like both, but the Essex cast are more obviously likable and their innate warmth has enticed a broad demographic to their yard.
Made in Chelsea
Main attraction Flirtatious singer/songwriter Caggie, who sounds like Zara Phillips doing karaoke Dido, and her dangerous chemistry with spoken-for Spencer, a beautiful bearded brute with whom she's been "fronds" for "yars".
Supporting cast Amber (cruel eyes like Joss Stone), Francis (self-important diamond magnate), Funda (Spencer's understandably sour dupe of girlfriend) and Freddie (lanky male model with look of a haunted lion).
Vernacular "Har yew? Rilly gud." (How are you? Really good.)
Target audience While TOWIE is friendly, MiC requires a more Brechtian distance. You hate them because they're rich/posh and should never delve into their motivations or it'll spoil the fun.
• This article was amended on 11 May 2011. In the original, it stated that Kirk bought his girlfriend a pig for Christmas. It was Arg who bought the pig. This has been corrected.
