I just got off the phone with a client of mine. She's lovely. She's 55 years old but looks 45 (which I never say!), extremely physically active, and has a smile for miles. I'm helping her manage her Match.com account _ selecting men, helping arrange dates, etc.
She had a first date last week with a gentleman from the site, and they met at a dimly lit wine bar. I have my clients fill out a short survey after each date with their thoughts and feedback so I can get a sense of how it went in real time. Excerpts from the survey read: "Yes, this was a quality guy. Good find!" and "I found myself more and more attracted to him as the date passed." On the scale of 1 to 10, she gave the date an 8, saying, "I liked him _ he has a laid back disposition, he speaks calmly but he is very interesting and has done a lot of interesting things in his life _ we had a lot of similar interests."
I was thrilled. She was thrilled. They arranged a second date. That second date happened and I received this email right afterward:
"I am just back from my second date. I am completely perplexed ... I feel (he) is not what he put forward on his profile _ I want to see his birth certificate. He has 2 hearing aids. I didn't notice them in the dim light of the lounge at (the location of the first date), but I did tonight.
He is laid back and very adventuresome ... or was. But something tells me something is not right ... such a difficult feeling to sort through. It's not like I can say what year were you born? Show me your birth certificate.
He is nice but I feel he is much older than 58. Or, am I not in touch with myself and this is what a match is for me?"
I was certainly disheartened when I saw this note. The power of dim lighting and alcohol on the first date perhaps had more of an impact than she thought? Much worse than the date not going well, though, my client started to doubt herself.
Now, I never do this, but I was curious, so, using the little information I had from his Match account, I did a bit of sleuthing and found her date's profile on LinkedIn. (Honestly, I was surprised she hadn't beaten me to it!) Assuming he graduated college at 22, using my elementary school math skills, that would have put him at 64 years old, not 58. For the record, lying online is not okay. Not ever.
When my client and I spoke this morning, she was so upset. Rather than being upset with her date for portraying himself inaccurately and wasting both of their time, though, she was upset about her entire dating life. In her eyes, what message was she putting out there to attract this "old man"? Was she lowering her standards? Was this really the only type of man she could "get"? She even went as far as asking me, "Should I just start grilling all of my next dates about the year they are born and their past relationship history?" (She also mentioned that he grew out his ear hair to cover up the hearing aids.) After I almost threw up a little in my mouth and made a bad joke about a comb over, here's what I did:
I cut her off with a resounding NO, and may or may not have made a joke about changing her Match password so she wouldn't be tempted to start the inquisition.
She was, unfortunately, letting this one man's lie impact her own self-view and worth. I told her that she can't let one person's behavior _ or aging process _ impact her thoughts about her own dating life or value. He should not, nor should anyone, have that power. I told her that his lack of confidence made him hide his real age. That had nothing to do with her. I told her that she can't project this one man's behavior on other dates, thereby penalizing them before she even meets them.
She had a major high after the first date and then a major low after the second. Her view of her dating life is so precarious that after each date, it could teeter completely the opposite way, and stay that way until the next date.
I encouraged her, as I would with any client, to remember that your dating life is not only as good as your last date. Take each date for what it is _ one date. No singular date should impact the whole of your dating life. Like in the law of large numbers, the more dates you go on, the less sway each one should supposedly have. With not very many in my client's sample size, each one can really impact what she perceives as the average. As she, and you, go on more dates, you'll see that it's important to treat each one separately, not let one person determine your self-worth, and try to go into each new experience with an open mind and an open heart.
