"Why aren't you married?"
"Can you really make a living doing that?"
"Is that what you do full time?"/"Is that your real job?"
These are questions I get almost daily. Not from family. And not from friends. From pure, absolute, danger-is-my-middle-name strangers ... and lots of Uber drivers. These are people who have met me not a minute prior, if at all, and think it's their business to ask such intrusive questions.
"Why aren't you married?" translates into "What's wrong with you?"
Assuming one should be married (and have children) by a certain age perpetuates the old conventional wisdom that one size fits all when it comes to a life plan. Just like my childhood one-size-fits-all tights that I still have yet to grow into, there is not one solution for everyone. Far from it. Asking this question puts people on the defensive when often they have nothing in the world to be defensive about. Marriage isn't everyone's goal _ anyone can achieve that if they really want to _ happiness usually is. That's my goal anyway.
If you're asking me specifically because you want to see if online dating, what I help people with as my career, "worked for me," the answer is, of course, a resounding YES. What people often forget is that no one _ sometimes not even the people involved in it _ can predict or guarantee the longevity of a relationship. Life throws curveballs sometimes, and no one is immune to that, myself included. So, as a potential client, if you want to work with someone who knows the ins and outs of dating (because I've done it, and do it, myself), then you've come to the right place. If you want to work with someone who is married who may or may not have any experience, or recent experience, with dating, then it's time to assess why this life choice that someone else made, whether happy or not, is so important to you.
"Can you really make a living doing that?" translates into, "How do you support yourself?" and/or "Where does your money come from?"
I work for myself, running a business that I'm very proud to have started in early 2011 (pre-Tinder!) helping people with the various, and often challenging, aspects of online dating. I write people's profiles, take photos, write messages, and plan dates, all while coaching my clients through the process. The answer is that, yes, I make a living doing what I do. Not because I'm lucky or because it's easy. Neither could be further from the truth. I make my living because I am the hardest worker I know. I quit a job in finance to start and run a business doing something I'm passionate about, where I can actually help people and touch their lives in a tangible way (which I, sadly, never felt in all of my time at Fannie Mae). Sizing me up based on how much money you think I make _ or should make _ doing what I do is akin to looking me up and down and judging me based on the brand of jeans I'm wearing or how straight my teeth are. It's short-sighted and unfair. And, more importantly, it's not your business.
"Is that what you do full time?" or "Is that your real job?" is similar to the question above. It roughly translates to, "There is no way in the world you could live off of being a dating coach! You must have a side hustle. Or maybe this business is your side hustle. Either way, it can't be the only thing you do." Ah, assumptions. You know what they do to you ... and me. I repeat, yes, this is my full-time job. Because I work my tail off and found my niche. I treat all clients as if they are my only client. I respond to everyone within hours, if not minutes. I never over-promise and under-deliver. Again, it's not possible because it's easy. It's possible because I made it work. Actually, it often feels like more than a full-time job!
In each of these questions, there's a compliment buried somewhere in there, being severely overshadowed by the negative assumptions.
"Why aren't you married?" hides "You're pretty and seem like a catch."
"Can you really make a living doing that?" hides "I'm really impressed that you could turn an idea you had into a business that affords you a nice lifestyle."
"Is that what you do full time?"/"Is that your real job?" hides all of the above, plus, "I'm a little jealous. Your job sounds a lot more fun than mine is." (I won't lie _ it is fun.)
So, the next time you walk up to a stranger (or someone you know ... it is holiday season after all), think before you ask your question, "Am I trying to compliment this person or potentially bring him/her down when it's really none of my business?" If the former, then simply give the compliment. And if the latter, think about why you want to ask this question. Is there something missing in your own life? Are you pushing your agenda onto someone else who may want entirely different things than you do? Are you making assumptions about people before you know more about them?
It's great to be inquisitive. Ask me anything about my favorite movie ("Sleepless in Seattle"), foods (soup and muffins, just not together), or perfect way to spend a Saturday (a trip to the dog park is usually involved). But, if it has to do with my personal relationships, my uterus, or my net income, please bite your tongue. It's not inquisitive. It's nosy.
