Every so often, I get a great dating question or two from a client that I want to share with my readers. This week, I'll be sharing two of these, one from a man and one from a woman, respectively, along with my responses:
Q: I went out with a woman in early March for coffee. I then went on vacation, so we got together on Monday. I ended the date with a hug since I didn't want to rush things. I'm going to see if she wants to go with me to my friend's community theatre performance this weekend. She's very nice, and I think maybe this could grow into something, but I didn't want to rush into anything.
At the same time, I'm trying to set up two dates with other people that I'm curious to meet. Sometimes I think it's just bad timing, so I don't want to give up on these prospects.
Do you have any advice or a mindset I should have for these situations? I don't want to lead anyone on. At the same time, if I keep hugging her at the end of dates, this will kill any chance of progressing either. Like a self-fulfilling prophecy, my indecisiveness may kill the chance of progressing either. My friends think I should always go for a kiss at the end of the second date. Is there a rule for this as well?
_ Gene, 33
A: Thanks for sharing what's been going on. To answer your question, you're not leading anyone on at all by scheduling these new dates. That's the whole point of dating _ to get to know someone to see if you'd like to pursue more. It's not bad timing at all! Just dating. Also, you're allowed to kiss one woman and still go out with others until you decide if/when you'd like to see someone exclusively. It sounds like you're putting a lot of pressure on yourself to decide something when in reality, there's nothing to decide right now at all. Just keep getting to know people.
I agree that if you don't make a move by the end of a third date, it will usually shift you into "friend zone." There's no rule like you asked, but in general, I would go in for a kiss when you're feeling it, be it a first or second date. It shouldn't be prescribed, though, like always at the end. If you're feeling a moment in the middle, go for it. If you're not, don't. But, if you never make a move, a woman will assume you're not that into her or are too scared, neither of which is a positive assumption. In general, if she's agreeing to see you and is enjoying herself on the date, she'll likely be open for the kiss, but she's waiting for you to make a move. Make sense?
Q: Good looking is so subjective and different for everyone. Yes, I can overlook certain "good looks" to find a good quality man, but I CAN'T fake it when I meet someone. If the chemistry isn't there, it makes things extremely awkward for me. I end up walking away from the date feeling I've wasted their time or, even worse, I got their hopes up! I know for the most part what I like when I see it. And of course personality plays a huge role in the men I date, but I haven't dated a man I wasn't attracted too because he was extremely intelligent or had it all together financially. If that were the case, I would be with an extremely wealthy, non-attractive 60-something since they seem to want 40-somethings (aka arm candy).
_ Eileen, 48
A: At a certain point, it's important to explore and see what's out there, just as you'd want someone to do for you. No one is asking you to fake anything, but when you meet someone and get to know him, you may see something. And judgments can't be made in the first five minutes. With people who we're extremely attracted to at the offset, we tend to overlook significant things in a relationship. There is a happy medium between someone who knocks your socks off looks-wise online but isn't as good a fit as someone unattractive.
I know it's been a struggle the whole time with us and agreeing on who you should meet. I'll always push for people I think are appropriate and people who I think have a good chance of liking you too. I'd be doing you a disservice if I didn't stick to my guns on that. My most successful clients are the ones who go against "type" sometimes to find things they didn't even know they were looking for.
In the end, a date is a date (even a bad one), and no one has wasted anyone's time. It's just about seeing if there's a connection. That's it. Never feel guilty for that.
