Everyone loves to share their online dating stories. When pressed, someone's either sharing a love story or a horror story. Usually, the latter. Why? Because that's what's entertaining and memorable and leads people to draw certain conclusions:
"I hate online dating" or "I'll never do online dating."
I, as the dating coach (or friend), have to follow up with "why?" When a person makes a bold statement like that, he or she wants to elicit a response. And the reason is always the same _ this person has a story to tell.
Here's an example from someone recently:
My friend met her ex-husband on Match.com. He is crazy! She had to get a restraining order against him! Can you believe that?! I would never do Match after that!
There is so much to digest here. Does this woman not hold her friend responsible for any of her actions? I mean, she married the guy! It's not Match.com's fault the relationship didn't work out. It's the two parties involved.
I was hosting an event recently, and one woman started the conversation the same way, with one of the three infamous lines above that she quit online dating. When I asked the "why?" she was eagerly waiting for, she said, "All three, yes three, guys I met online lied about their height!" I can't dispute the fact that lying is wrong (and sadly, many people do it), which I expressed to her, but is a guy lying about his height enough to make you completely take yourself offline and out of the reach (no pun intended) of plenty of other eligible men? That just seems short-sighted, (pun intended this time) to me.
One client recently told me that she, in all of her excitement, told her brother-in-law that she had met someone great on an online dating site. The brother-in-law, in return, sent her a story about a woman who got killed by someone she met online. (I wish I were joking.) While there's no disputing that this was a horrible story, my client luckily has a good head on her shoulders and knew that her brother-in-law meant well ... we think. I told her to reply with no words but simply a link to one of the many published "success stories" that the sites tout.
My gripe is when people equate one or two stories, whether good or bad, with their definition of what online dating is. I've heard it all... . "My friend got stalked!" "My sister met her husband online!" "He met a woman on OkCupid who cheated on him." "We met when I was stationed in Germany ... on Tinder! And we got married last year." How about all of the in-between stories, the mediocre dates, the run-of-the-mill experiences, the three-date wonders? No one ever talks about those. Why? Because they don't draw conclusions, and they're nowhere near as fun to share.
Online dating isn't the cause of good or bad dates, good or bad relationships. The two people involved are. So, when people say to me that they have "quit" or "banned" online dating from their lives, that to me means that they haven't taken much personal accountability. Or, maybe they aren't using good judgment when writing a profile or choosing dates. In fact, perhaps this ban of the medium is often a defense mechanism so as to avoid future rejection. You can't fail if you don't play the game.
It's the same thing when I hear, "Women are difficult," or "Men are pigs." Some are, sure. But most aren't. I always find myself correcting people, saying, "Yes, your last date was difficult," or "Yes, that guy was a jerk." But to project that onto everyone just isn't fair.
In the end, don't let one person or experience dictate your dating experience, online or otherwise. If you have a bad date, so be it. Don't let that person prevent you, through your decision to quit online dating, from being happy. No one should have that power over you ... particularly someone you barely even know. As a former economist, I can tell you that a sample size of one or two _ or three, in the height case _ is not statistically significant enough to draw any conclusions. Far from it.
