I once saw a meme that said:
Me: I hate being single.
Also me:
— *Doesn’t reply on the apps for weeks.*
— *Cancels dates if I don’t feel like getting dressed.*
— *Cuts people off for the dumbest things.*
I hear things like this almost daily from both clients and friends. They complain about being single (and not wanting to be), but when I ask what they’re doing to put themselves out there, I’m often met with “Uh … not much I guess.”
Here are my questions:
— When’s the last time you’ve opened your dating apps? (I hope it’s within the last day or two.)
— Do you truly believe there are good people out there? (Hint: There are.)
— Have you explored other ways of meeting people, like speed-dating events or special-interest groups? (Eventbrite is a great resource.)
In case it’s not clear from my questions, dating takes work. I know we all remember the story of the one couple who met on the bus or at a wedding. That’s lovely, but it's not common. But we can’t rely on serendipity. We can, however, count on hard work. And even then, there’s no guarantee.
So, how do you put in the work? By devoting a certain amount of time in your day to dating — whether online or otherwise.
Often, when a client shows me the activity, or lack thereof, in a dating app, I see a lot of matches with no messages, or messages that hit a dead end, never to be picked up again. It hurts my brain! With each client, we go through the app together until it’s organized and efficient. We clean out the stale matches with no conversations started. We look at each profile and decide whether to send a message or not. For the ones who don’t interest my client, we “unmatch,” or essentially delete, them. And for the ones we do like, we send a short message (ending with a question is always encouraged) to catch that person’s attention.
Once we go through the matches, we swipe a bit. I like the rule of thumb “50 swipes or five matches, whichever comes first.” (On the larger sites like Match.com, try to send at least 10 messages a week.) Once we get any new matches, we write a message immediately.
For some people, even when they feel ready and willing to date, they try to “vet” people to the point where no one is “worth meeting.” They’re essentially rejecting everyone before even giving themselves the opportunity, which is simply another excuse. Stop worrying so much about wasted time; that’s a very limiting thought. I think we all plan to live a lot longer, so what’s an hour out of your life to meet a new person?
So much comes down to people realizing that anything in life that’s worth it takes effort, time and a little risk.
