I got an email yesterday from a client who had met a woman at a party the previous weekend. She promptly found him on Facebook and suggested they meet. (Good for her for taking the initiative!) He then asked me if it was a date. I said yes. A few days later, this message came through to my inbox:
"Kind of in a pickle now _ she asked if another mutual friend can join us. I think this is bad! It probably is a signal that she doesn't think of this as a date nor wants it to be. What should I say to her?"
My client is right ... it doesn't sound good, does it? But, rather than making an assumption, whether correct or not, it's best to go straight to the source. My response to his question was, "I would ask. I know that sounds scary, but it's the only way to know. I assume she asked you that over text, yes? Then say, 'I was actually looking forward to getting to know you one-on-one, like as a date. Not sure if that's what you had in mind, so I just wanted to clarify.' I know you have it in you!"
To be honest, I don't think he'll ask, not because he doesn't want to know, but because he doesn't want to jinx somehow his chance of it being a date. Or, if she says it's not a date, he'll feel rejected, and he would prefer the uncertainty than the chance of a certain "no."
This happens all the time, and not just in dating. We assume things about people _ why they called, why they didn't call, what something means, what something doesn't mean. Sometimes we're correct, and other times we're far off. There's only one sure-fire way to get your answer: Ask. This often means 1) doing something outside your comfort zone and 2) opening yourself up to hearing something you don't want to hear.
A friend of mine, Sylvia, had been seeing someone for about three months. She thought they were entering into relationship territory. I asked her one day if they were exclusive. She replied, "Yeah, I think so." Nope. Not good enough. I followed with, "Do you want to be exclusive?" to which she replied that she did. When we dug deeper, she revealed that her new beau mentioned early on that he wasn't seeing anyone else. Okay, well, what about the month after that? Just because he wasn't seeing anyone else at that time doesn't mean he wouldn't plan on it. They had never agreed not to see anyone else, so he very well may be.
I next encouraged her to have a talk with him about the direction things were going and whether or not they were ready to be in an exclusive, committed relationship. Sylvia was scared _ less scared about the conversation itself (though bringing it up can be nerve-wracking) and more scared that the answer from him would be "no." Both of those fears led her to accept the status quo (and, as I always say, you get what you allow) for much too long, until she finally learned that he was not, in fact, looking for a relationship.
I don't share all of this to make my client and my friend look bad or weak _ quite the opposite. I share all of this because I want everyone to know, in dating (and in life), the only way to know someone's motive or the answer to an unanswered question is to simply ask. It's true that you may not get the response you want, but in the long run, that's better than continuing to be in denial. And, it's much better to know that sooner rather than later. So, while asking difficult questions of someone you like might feel uncomfortable and scary, the thought of going through a situation while always being in unknown territory is much worse. In the end, it's better to ask than to assume.
